The Wish
by Leiria
Summary: Remus wishes for something he doesn't believe he can have. **It's not abandoned, I promise! I'm just a little stuck...**
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, its characters, or anything else related to the novels or movies. They are the creation of J.K. Rowling and she owns them. I'm not about to willingly rip off anything and no copyright infringement is intended. This disclaimer is good for all of the chapters in this story, I'm not going to repeat it every chapter.**

The Wish

I should be asleep right now, but that's not happening any time soon. It has to be three in the morning, but I'm still wide-awake. I've just come to what is probably the most soul-shattering realization I'll ever have and now that I think about it, I can't believe I've missed the signs. It's three days to the full moon and I know he's going to be there with me, but for the first time, I almost don't want him there. Now that I know what I'm feeling, I want to spare him the sight of me tearing myself apart. It's like…if I can keep this from him, maybe I'll have a chance. But then…I know…he's already seen me at my worst. The most I can say is thank Merlin he's still around because I don't know where I'd be without him.

Without him. That's a thought that I don't even want to explore. I've been by his side nearly every day for the past five years and now we're here, sixteen years old, and he doesn't have anywhere to call home. He's never had a decent family, but now he doesn't have a family at all. He's left them just as surely as they've forgotten about him. I'll never forget him, not for as long as I live.

I wish I could tell him these things. I wish I could walk up to him and kiss his lips because nothing would give me more pleasure than that. I wish that I could be just one of the dozens of girls fawning over him. I wish that he could possibly allow me to hold him. I wish…I wish for so many things, but I know that none of them are possible because I know that I'll never have him. I've only just realized my feelings, but I'm fairly certain that I can accept that he'll never look at me the way he does Lorena. The only comforting thought is that I know that his relationship with her will never last. None of them do.

I don't mean that to sound the way it must. I want him to be happy with someone and I want that happiness to last a lifetime. I would just rather it be with me than with some random girl he couldn't care less about.

I sigh as I stare up at the scarlet canopy above my head. I'd give anything to have him here with me. The problem is, he's out there, somewhere, with her. I was the only one awake when he opened James' trunk and took the Invisibility Cloak for the night. James and Peter were both snoring loudly enough that he didn't even spare a thought to my alertness. I'm the only one that knows that this is the fourth time this week that he's snuck out, and did I mention that it's only Wednesday?

I got up to use the restroom at precisely the same instant that Sirius closed the lid to James' trunk, putting the Cloak back where it belongs. We both froze and stared at each other and I can tell that he's desperate for a shower.

"I didn't think anyone was still awake," Sirius said softly.

I shrugged. "It's three days to the full moon," I said. "You know I never sleep well this close to it."

Sirius nods, as though he's reminding himself that I am a werewolf and that his next big adventure is coming up soon. Some days I wonder if that's all I am to him—an excuse to break the rules, but then I remember that he's the one who extended his hand in friendship to me first, even before James did. It's one of the thousand things I love about him.

"Did you have fun?" I asked, walking over to the bathroom, not really keen on hearing how his nightly excursions went. "Lorena, isn't it?" I asked.

Sirius cleared his throat nervously. "Actually, no," he said. "Left her on Monday. This one is Brianna."

I stopped walking just as my hand reached the doorknob and I turned to look at Sirius. "You're joking," I said, my tone failing to hide my shock and, in all honesty, _disgust_ that he could do something like this. "Who the hell is Brianna?" I asked, opening the door and walking into the loo.

We talk through the door, just like we always do. Sirius keeps nothing from me and I keep nothing from him, save this one realization.

"She's a Ravenclaw," Sirius says. "She's a seventh year this year."

"So you've left a fifth year for a seventh year?" I asked, staring at myself in the bathroom mirror.

"Not exactly," Sirius answers. "Loraine and I…we just weren't working out," he says. "Besides, I was starting to get bored. We were together for a month."

I let out a bitter chuckle that I know Sirius can't hear as I do what I came in here to do. A _month_ and it all ended because he was bored. It's instances like these that make me realize just why I should never be with him. Would he treat me like one of these girls? Would I be just another notch on his belt? How could I possibly subject myself to such heartache? I'm pretty sure that Loraine isn't as nonchalant about the end of their relationship as he is and I _know_ she hasn't started shagging someone else already. What's going to happen to Brianna when Sirius bored of her? Does he ever stop to look back at the wreckage he leaves behind just because he's bored and some other pretty girl walks by?

"A month?" I asked as though none of these thoughts passed through my mind. "Isn't that a record for you?"

I hear his chuckle and I know I'm right. "Yeah, I guess," he answered. "I think it's the second longest. Mary was six weeks."

His longest relationship is six weeks? Merlin, it would be a miracle for him to find the person he's going to be happy with for the rest of his life, if he ever does. Then again, maybe he's already met her and he's broken her heart so completely that when he realizes that he was actually in love with her, she won't have anything to do with him. Where will you be then, Sirius? Who will you be then?

"Anyway, I'm not expecting this one to last either," Sirius said, dragging me back to our conversation and away from my wishes of him.

"And why is that?" I asked.

"Well for one, she's a seventh year," Sirius said. "Which means that she's not going to be around for very long. She's also a Ravenclaw which means that she's going to be smart enough to figure out that either I am a werewolf or someone very close to me is."

I sighed. We'd finally reached what it all came down to. Me. Sirius couldn't have a lasting relationship because he didn't want to give up the one night of the month where he could leave everything behind and run with a pack.

Actually we weren't a pack to Sirius. To Sirius we were just a bunch of animals running free with no obligations and no reason to think about our human lives. This was the one night of the month that he lived for, while on my end, it was the one night of the month I dreaded.

I sighed and shook my head before I washed my hands and opened the door. Sirius was sitting on his bed looking completely sexed. The smell coming off of him was intoxicating and I was surprised I didn't notice it when he walked into the dorm. He smelled like sweat and sperm and lust and it was enough to make my already fragile willpower crumble. Somehow, I managed to hold on to that last shred of self-control long enough to make it to my bed. I sat down as he walked into the loo to take a shower. While he was showering, I cast my silencing charm, and I took care of the problem Sirius would never know about.


	2. Chapter 2

November is always cold but for some reason this year it seems colder than most. Maybe it's because of the discovery that shattered my world last night and the realization that came directly after it, leaving the world colder and bleaker than before. I suppose being a werewolf and only having two days to go until the full moon doesn't help. This is always the hardest time of the month for me.

For some strange reason, I ended up outside in the middle of a snowstorm. My thoughts had captured my mind so well that I was now shivering by the lake and wondering what the hell had possessed me to come out here. I drew my cloak tighter around my body and shivered. I didn't want them to come with me this month. How can I tell them that I want to take away their one night? How can I tell them that I don't want them to see my torture when they are the only reason I don't destroy myself?

Early this morning, after Sirius had finally gone to sleep I realized something else. My torture has finally completed itself. Not only do I turn into a raging beast once a month, I love a man who can never truly love another. My feelings for him will never be reciprocated and even if I had my chance to teach him how to love, I would never allow myself to give in to my feelings. I could never set myself up for that heartache.

No…I will love Sirius from afar. I would never do anything to jeopardize our friendship. Even if it kills me, I will be nothing more than his friend. That is the decision I can make. That is the choice I have control over.

"Oy! Remus!"

I turned sharply to see Sirius, James, and Peter standing less than ten feet away from me.

Sirius ran up to me while James and Peter walked. Sirius tackled me and we fell back on the snow. After a minute of rolling around, he finally pinned me, breathless. I gulped for air and stared up at him. I couldn't help but think that this would be better if we were in a bed.

When I realized where my thoughts had suddenly gone, I pushed Sirius off of me and stood. I couldn't let that go further and have him discover my feelings. I held out my hand to help him up and he smiled that charming smile that made every girl weak in the knees. And yes, it worked on me too.

"What the hell are you doing out here?" Sirius asked.

I watched the snow fall for a moment before I shrugged. "I was thinking," I said.

Sirius chuckled. "You do that all the time," he said. "Why come out here in the middle of a bloody snow storm?" he asked.

I shrugged again as James and Peter reached us. "Wotcher, Moony," James said with a grin.

"Hello, James," I said with a nod. "Peter."

Peter smiled at being acknowledged. Even though he was one of us, he never took for granted that there was always the possibility that we could turn on him, not that we ever would.

"So what kept you from class?" James asked.

I shrugged. "Just not up to it," I answered. "Full moon being so close…"

James nodded his understanding. I knew he would. I also knew he would catch any hidden meaning and by the look in his eyes, I knew he did.

"So why don't you want us to come with you?" James asked.

Sirius stared at me in shock. "You don't want us to come?" he asked, clearly hurt by this sudden admission.

I sighed. "It's not that I don't want you three there," I said softly. "I just…I don't know," I confessed. "I get like this sometimes, you guys know that."

James nodded. "So we're coming with you?" he asked.

I chuckled. "Even if I said no, you'd still be there," I said. "What's the point in fighting?"

Sirius laughed and yet again I was captured by how beautiful a sound it was. "That's the truth," he said.

I had to get away from them. I had to escape the thought that Sirius was the only one I would ever love. I couldn't bare the thought of that. I couldn't bare to be around him when I knew that I loved him and he would never love me.

Who could ever love a beast?

I let out the expected chuckle and searched for an excuse to leave. I decided I needed chocolate, which wouldn't be a lie, and I excused myself. I quickly walked away, but I couldn't get away fast enough.

James and Peter let me go. They always let me go when I was like this. Sirius, on the other hand, would never let me go so quietly. I walked as fast as I could without running or looking like I was panicking, but Sirius was faster than that. I hadn't even reached the castle when Sirius grabbed me by the shoulder and turned me around roughly.

"What the bloody hell is the matter with you?" he demanded.

I pulled away from him. "Nothing," I answered. "I just need…."

"You used to be able to tell me everything, Remus," Sirius said softly, following me as I walked into the castle and began the journey to our dormitory. "Every day we would stay up all night and just talk. Last night you hardly said anything to me. We had an entire conversation and you weren't even there for it," he said. I distantly wondered when he'd gotten to be so perceptive.

I sighed as we walked up the stairs. "It's just the full moon," I said softly, barley audible as there were other students in the hall. "Look, Sirius, you know I get like this."

"No, you don't," he insisted. "You've never been this isolated, Remus," he said. "You've never pushed people away as hard as you are right now. You've never been so uninvolved in a conversation that we've had. Now you're lying to me, I can feel it. What the hell is going on?"

"Nothing!" I insisted, turning to face him. "Merlin, Sirius, just leave it alone! There's nothing wrong except for the fact that we are two days away! I'll be fine in a few days, Sirius, just leave me alone for right now."

Sirius looked as though I'd physically struck him. He took a step back, down the stairs, his light blue eyes pained. Sirius had much more emotion than I ever gave him credit for and it felt like a knife piercing my heart as I realized that, perhaps, he did have the capability to love.

I would not be the man he turned to with all of his secrets anymore. I needed to distance myself from him. I needed to cut him out of me. I needed to find a way to leave him behind.

I turned and I ran the rest of the way to our dormitory and I locked the door behind me so they could not come in, not that they would.

Chocolate waited for me in my bedside drawer. I knew that there was booze in Sirius' trunk and I had cigarettes in my pocket. I walked over to my bedside table and pulled out a chocolate frog. After I opened the package, I bit off its head savagely.

Immediately I started to feel the chocolate warm my frozen body. I tossed the frog onto the table and went to Sirius' trunk. Inside, I knew there was a bottle of Firewiskey. I'd pay him back if it came down to that.

I opened the bottle and took a drink. I coughed as it burned its way down my throat and pulled the cigarettes out of my pocket. I lit one and sucked on the fag. Two more gulps of the Firewiskey, another drag, and another bite of the chocolate frog. Four more rounds of that and I was not only drunk, but still very upset. The room smelled of cigarettes so I opened all four windows and sat next to one as I lit up my third cigarette in fifteen minutes.

That was when someone decided to knock on the door. I didn't even move. I stared out in the direction of the Shrieking Shack and I couldn't help but think of what it was going to be like for me two nights from now.

The door burst open and that was what made me turn. Sirius was standing there, his wand extended and there was a look on his face that I couldn't name, though I think that was the liquor.

Sirius walked over to me and yanked the bottle out of my hands. Next he took my cigarette. "You owe me," he said before he took a drink. "Get the fuck out of the window."

"What gives you the right to boss me around?" I slurred, sliding off of the windowsill and back into the dormitory. Sirius took a drag of my fag before I took it away from him. "That's mine," I said.

Sirius let out a bitter chuckle. "So now that you're completely pissed, will you talk to me?"

"Talk about what?" I demanded, stumbling over to my bed and falling on it. I managed not to burn anything as I fell and then rolled over onto my back. I took a drag as Sirius drank more of his Firewiskey.

"Why you're suddenly lying to me."

I sat up so fast I nearly vomited. The feeling of nausea made my head swim and I knew I'd never make it to the bathroom in time. That didn't stop me from trying.

Sirius rushed to help me to the bathroom and if he hadn't been there, I would never have made it. As I spewed my guts into the toilet, Sirius stayed with me. He sighed as he sat down on the floor, leaning against the wall.

When I exhausted the contents of my stomach, I felt just as weak as I did after every transformation. I started crying and I never felt so embarrassed, knowing that Sirius was still sitting there. I folded my arms across the seat of the toilet and I sobbed like a child. I couldn't stop myself.

Sirius pulled me away from the toilet and held me as I cried.

"Just tell me what's going on," he pleaded with me. "Just tell me what's wrong…"

I shook my head. "I can't," I cried. "I just...I can't...."


	3. Chapter 3

I sat in the Shrieking Shack and watched the sun set through the slits in the boarded up windows. My life was controlled by a satellite that was thousands of miles away and I couldn't understand how one gigantic rock could control me like this.

I sighed as I watched the sun disappear and the darkness overtake me. It was still an hour until the moon would rise and that was not a sight that I wanted to see.

The trap door opened a few minutes after sundown. I couldn't believe that they would come here before my transformation. That was one thing that they knew I hated above anything else. Then again, this was the time I hurt myself the most.

The three of them transformed into their Animagus forms right before moonrise. I doubled over in pain. Sirius was right there. He was the one that fought me so that I wouldn't tear myself to shreds.

With the transformation over, I looked around and I saw three creatures standing with me. The stag was Alpha. The dog fighting with me was Mate. The rat was just another beta. I tilted my head to the side when I realized what I'd thought about the dog. Mate. I'd never thought about the dog that way before, but it made sense. The dog was always with me and he understood me in a way that the stag and the rat didn't. I decided that it must be something to do with my human half and I walked over to the dog and licked his nose. The three of them stared at me and I went running through my cage to the upper level. I didn't want to leave tonight, like we did some times. I wanted to stay in the warm cage instead of heading into the snow. I could smell it and I could feel its chill. I wasn't in the mood to be cold and wet, especially when the human inside of me didn't want to venture into the icy wonderland.

The other three followed me. It was always hard for Alpha Stag to follow us up the stairs, but the dog was right at my side.

There was something wrong with the dog. I didn't understand his hesitation and I could smell his frustration and I knew it was because of me. I tilted my head to the side and let out a yip. The dog let out a sigh and laid down on the floor in front of me, which was not his usual behavior. Alpha Stag and the rat on his head looked at the dog and I curiously. Somehow I knew what they were asking, even if they could not speak my tongue.

I shook my entire body as though to tell them that I didn't know what was going on any more than they did.

The dog whimpered and I understood that he wanted something from me. Actually from the other me. The human half of me. Why he wanted something from the human, I didn't know.

Alpha Stag beat his hoof against the ground and shook his head impatiently. He wanted to do something other than sitting around here all night but I wasn't going to go anywhere and I knew that the dog wasn't much in the mood either. Not for the first time, I wanted Alpha Stag and Rat to leave. They didn't mean as much to me as Dog did and the human and I both wanted to be alone with Dog, even though the other me had mixed feelings about such things. He didn't know that Dog felt the same for us as we did for him.

I could feel the other half's shock as my thoughts led him in realization. Yes, Dog does care for us the way we care for him, however Dog doesn't know it yet and Other Half won't remember when he wakes up in the morning. It is a shame, but I've come to accept these things as fact and I do not dispute them.

Alpha Stag became impatient again and I looked at him oddly. _If you don't want to be here than leave,_ I thought.

Alpha Stag huffed and turned around to walk back down the stairs. I jumped onto the soft bed and laid down. I looked at Dog and tilted my head. _Join?_

Dog huffed and jumped up onto the bed beside me. I could feel his confusion and frustration. _Why?_

I slowly woke the next morning, underneath the blankets in the bed of the Shrieking Shack. I turned over slowly, the pain in my body enough to make me cry. I knew before I even opened my eyes that I had enough cuts and bruises on my body that moving around wasn't going to be easy.

When I did finally open my eyes, I was surprised to see Sirius on the bed next to me.

My initial reaction was to jump out of the bed and frantically search for my clothes, but the sight of him there, with the sun softly beaming down on him, held me still. The beam of light that was blessed enough to touch his face made it look like he was glowing in the darkness of the shack. It made him seem even more like the light in the darkness of my life.

I sighed and wanted to reach out to touch the dark brown hair that had fallen over his face, but I had become the expert at self-restraint over the past three days. I kept my hands to myself and pushed myself out of the bed. My clothes were, as usual, waiting for me in the corner. I limped over to them, got dressed, and looked back over at Sirius. My cuts and bruises were one thing, but when I saw that Sirius had cuts and bruises of his own, I hated myself. I was the cause of those cuts and bruises. I was the reason he was injured.

I shook my head, sighed again, and got dressed before I walked back over to the bed. I sat down and briefly wondered where James and Peter had run off to. I hesitated before I reached out and shook Sirius' shoulder to wake him. "Pads, wake up," I said softly.

Sirius mumbled something incoherent in his sleep and rolled over. I shook my head and reached out to shake his other shoulder.

"Owe! Fuck!" Sirius hissed, holding his shoulder tightly.

I winced and quickly withdrew my hand. I couldn't believe that I'd hurt him again. "Sorry," I said, hanging my head in shame.

"No worries," Sirius said softly, wincing as he sat up. "That was one hell of a fight you put up last night though."

"Was it?" I asked.

Sirius nodded. "I haven't seen you that aggressive since the first time we were here with you," he said. "You were acting odd enough last night that Prongs and Wormtail took off early."

"So why did you stay?" I asked.

"You wanted me to," Sirius said softly.

I gave him an odd look. "How do you know that?" I asked. Just by the look he gave me, I knew that the wolf had either communicated something, or he knew something I didn't. Which was entirely possible because the wolf often knew things that I didn't and he always did something I didn't know about. There were days when I felt that he was a much better creature than I.

Sirius sighed. "Look, Remus, when are you going to tell me what's wrong?" he asked.

I shook my head. "To be honest, Sirius, I have no intention of telling you," I said softly. "I'm sure you'll figure it out someday," I sighed, forcing myself to smile. "After all, you learned my biggest secret."

"Exactly," Sirius said. "I know your biggest secret, Moony, so why are you keeping this one from me?" he asked.

"I'm not," I lied. I sighed heavily and started playing with the blanket. "Look, Sirius, I'm just…I'm not keeping it from you, but I'm not going to tell you either," I said. "I'm sorry, Sirius," I said softly. "Just leave it alone."


	4. Chapter 4

Three months later, my secret was still safe. Sirius went through three girlfriends, James had finally gotten Lily to agree to go on a date him, and Peter was distant. Everything was normal, in a way. We were now into February and I was starting to debate returning for my seventh year. Nothing good would come of it and the Order of the Phoenix needed new bodies in the fight against Voldemort. What did a werewolf need with NEWTs when one simple question on any job application would negate the grades?

We had just gotten through another full moon and Sirius was as persistent as ever in trying to get me to spill my secrets to him. I was as distant as I had ever been, but I still loved him more than anything. I couldn't explain it. Hell, to be honest, I didn't much want to. Explaining it meant facing it and I didn't want to face it anymore. I wanted it to disappear. I wanted it to fade into nothingness so I could go on with my life.

Maybe if I could go a year without seeing him, things would be easier for me. The more I thought about it, the less likely I was to come back for my seventh year, no matter how lucky I was to have even been able to come here for my first six.

It was late, probably three o'clock in the morning. I remembered clearly the day I figured out that I was gay and that I was in love with my best friend. I remembered that the realization had left me shaking and I couldn't believe that it was only three months ago.

Sirius and I were the only ones awake, but this time he was in the dormitory. I could hear him tossing and turning in his bed and it was his restlessness that made me believe that he was still awake. I sighed as I pushed myself into a sitting position on my own bed and stared through the break in the curtains at the window. We were less than a week after the full moon and my injuries were completely healed. Sirius still had a cut or two, but he was fine, as usual.

I got out of bed and picked up the pack of cigarettes that I kept in my bedside table. I walked over to the window and opened it. The others had heating charms on their beds and they'd never notice that the window had been opened, even if it was the end of February. I sat down on the sill and stared at the night sky as I lit my cigarette. The flame from the lighter stung my eyes, but I wasn't about to let that stop me from my addiction. Chocolate was my vice, but smoking kept me from killing everyone else. It was a bad habit and the only way James and Peter ever tolerated my smoking was if I was sitting at the window. They both turned their noses up at the habit, but I was fairly certain that Peter only did so because of James.

"Remus?" Sirius asked.

"Yes?"

I heard Sirius move before I saw him. He walked up to my window and sat down on the opposite side. "Can I have one?" he asked.

I shrugged and pointed to the pack on my nightstand. Sirius stood to grab one and I handed him my lighter without another question. He lit his fag and sat back down on the sill with me. "Why are you still up?" I asked.

Sirius shrugged. "Can't sleep," he answered stiffly. Our relationship had taken quite a blow since I told him that I wasn't going to divulge this one secret that now lay between us. He thought he had it figured out once. In a way, he was right, but he was still far from the truth. He had thought that it was his relationships and the fact that he plowed through one girl after another and that was what had bothered me. He was partially right, but I didn't tell him that. How could I?

"Why not?" I asked.

Sirius shrugged. "I've just been thinking about a lot of things," he answered, rubbing the ash off of the cherry of the cigarette on the windowsill. He took a drag and let the smoke out slowly. "You know how I ran away last summer?" he asked.

I nodded. It wasn't likely that any of us were going to forget any time soon. Sirius had gone first to Wormtail, since he lived in London. When Sirius got bored of him, he came to me in Scotland. He didn't stay with us long because I'm a werewolf and my parents don't know that my friends are Animagi. They'd die if they ever found out that my friends had done something so risky. Sirius finished out the summer in Wales with James, and when we'd all met up at King's Cross, Sirius looked worse for ware. Regulus didn't help much when he walked up to Sirius and punched him. That was the last time Sirius and Regulus were within twenty feet of each other and I knew that they were likely to kill each other if they should ever meet again. Regulus had been branded a Death Eater, but there wasn't anything we could do about it yet.

"I don't have anywhere to go after school gets out," Sirius said softly. "I don't have a home."

"What about the money your uncle left you?" I asked. "You could get a flat with that, couldn't you?"

Sirius nodded and flicked his cigarette out through the open window. I tossed mine out as well and considered getting another. "I could get a flat but it would be pointless to get one for just the summer. I'm better off staying at the Broomsticks or Cauldron or something. Unless I just don't come back…."

"Why wouldn't you come back?" I asked tiredly.

"Because I don't think you're going to be here," he said softly. "What's the point in coming back here when my best mate won't be here to help me cause trouble?" he asked.

"You have Prongs and Wormtail for that," I sighed.

"So that's it, is it?" Sirius asked. "You don't think you're coming back? Why?"

"What good is a NEWT to a werewolf?" I asked. "And besides, I should figure out how to survive while I'm young enough to do so."

"You're coming back to school next year, Moony," Sirius said. "Even if I have to drag you by your ears, you're coming back."

I sighed. "Why?" I asked. "So I can be reminded of everything I can't and don't have?" I asked. "Sirius, I've already considered it. I have nothing to gain by coming back and I've heard that the Resistance needs more bodies. I can go help."

"You're not going off to war without me," Sirius said. "And I've decided that when we're done here, you and I are going to get a flat together. Since you're going to have a hell of a time finding work and I'm rich, I'll take care of you. We can even put up residence in Hogsmeade so that you can still have access to the Shrieking Shack for full moons."

I sighed. "You're not making this easy," I said softly.

"What's supposed to be easy?" he asked. "Look, Remus, I think I've figured out what your secret is, and I've got to say, I really don't give a damn. You're still going to live with me."

I decided that now was a great time for that next cigarette. "What do you think it is this time?" I asked.

"I think you're gay," he said softly. I forced myself to remain calm as I inhaled the smoke from the cigarette.

"And?" I asked.

"I haven't figured out that part yet," Sirius said softly. "But I'm right, aren't I?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yes," I answered. "You're right. You guessed it."

Sirius nodded. "Why did you think I'd care?" he asked. "I mean, it's not like you've professed an undying love to Prongs or Wormtail, which, by the way, would _not_ go over very well."

I noticed that he didn't include himself in that, but I couldn't let him know. Not now, not ever. "It's Snape, actually," I lied.

"_What?_" Sirius hissed. "Merlin, Moony, are you fucking kidding me? That slimy git is the one you fancy? You're fucking mental!"

I sighed. It was better this way, I knew it was. I just couldn't get my brain to believe that. "I'm sorry," I said softly. "Now you know why I didn't want to tell you."


	5. Chapter 5

Sirius glared at me with hatred in his eyes. He took another cigarette from the pack that sat between us and lit it. As the smoke slowly escaped his mouth and nose, I was strongly reminded of a dragon, ready to strike.

The lie was easy. Making it believable was going to be the hard part. Luckily for me, I hadn't said that I was dating anyone. How could I tell him that I fancied Snape? Damn my brain for being faster than I am.

"You hate Snape," Sirius said softly.

I shook my head. "I never hated him," I said. "You know that. Sirius how could you have missed it? I'm the one who kept standing up for him! I'm the one who keeps trying to talk you out of pulling a prank on him. Think about it."

"I am thinking about it, Moony," Sirius said darkly. "I'm thinking about a lot of things and the only thing I can come up with is that this _has_ to be a lie."

I sighed. "Forget it," I muttered, taking my cigarettes and tossing the stub of the fag I'd been smoking out the window. I put pants on over my pajamas and grabbed my shoes. Next I put on my cloak, and I left before Sirius said anything else.

When I got to the lake, I sat down in the snow and I cried. I couldn't believe that I had just told the man that I love that I fancied the man he hated the most. Merlin I'm an idiot!

Sirius wouldn't speak to me unless we were talking as a group for almost a month afterwards. The next full moon, he wasn't even going to be there. It was just as well. I was starting to get worried about what the wolf might do around Padfoot.

As Pomfrey led me to the Whomping Willow that evening, I couldn't help but wonder what had possessed me to tell such a lie. Once she left, I slowly walked upstairs, shed my clothes, laid down, and I waited for the moon to rise.

The next morning I woke with the usual cuts and bruises. There wasn't anyone here with me, which was normal…and expected. I was completely alone and that was what made the tears fall. I knew he hated me. How could he not?

I heard the trap door slam and I rushed as fast as my sore body could to get dressed before whoever entered the building made it up the stairs. I was shocked when Dumbledore appeared at the door a moment later.

"You were specifically instructed _not_ to tell anyone of your condition," he said. There was such fury in his voice that I knew that I was about to be expelled for sure.

"I-I didn't!" I stammered. "I didn't tell anyone, just like you told me," I said quickly.

"Then would you like to explain to me why Severus Snape is in the hospital wing with three broken bones because he wanted to see a werewolf?"

My jaw hit the floor. "_What?_" I whispered.

"James Potter found Mr. Snape trying to get here late last night," Dumbledore informed me. "Luckily the Whomping Willow's defenses kept him from getting through or we would have either a dead student, or a second werewolf. How did they know?"

"Sirius," I hissed under my breath.

"Excuse me?" Dumbledore asked.

I sighed. "Sir," I began, "James and Sirius and Peter…they all know. I didn't tell them, they figured it out. Sirius is mad at me so I imagine that he's taking that out on Snape. I'm sure he didn't mean any actual harm," I said. "But he's gone too far this time."

Dumbledore nodded. "Quite right he has," Dumbledore agreed. "I've spoken with James and Severus already," he said. "Severus says that Sirius informed him that you had requested to meet him here in the shack. He says that Sirius told him that you had something very important to tell him and you wanted to make sure that no one overheard you. James says that he found out what Sirius had done and intercepted Severus before he breached the willow. Return to the school, Remus," Dumbledore said. "When I've spoken with Sirius, I'll decide what happens next."

I nodded and, shaking, I followed Dumbledore back to Hogwarts.

Two days later, the four of us were called into Dumbledore's office. Sirius hung his head, James repeatedly ran his hands through his hair nervously, and Snape and I sat in stony silence. I was yet again reminded of what a bad idea it was to love Sirius. This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't lied.

"I want you all to know the severity of this situation," Dumbledore said softly. "Remus' condition must not leave this office or he will be expelled from Hogwarts and the Ministry will interfere. The Dark Lord has reached a new height of power and he has people in the Ministry. They will not hesitate to execute Remus for any reason simply because he is a werewolf.

"Severus, can I trust you to keep this secret?"

"He tried to kill me, Headmaster," Snape said bitterly. "I don't care if he claims innocence, he was there."

"Remus Lupin did not try to take your life, Severus," Dumbledore said sternly. "According to everyone here, Sirius is the one to blame for your presence at the willow and therefore he is the one who will be punished. I daresay Remus goes through enough every month."

Snape shrugged. "If he leaves me alone, I won't say anything," he said.

Dumbledore looked at me and he didn't have to ask the question. I nodded and he looked at James.

"James, what have you to say?" Dumbledore asked.

James sighed. "Well, I guess…I wasn't involved in what was going on, Sir," he said. "But Sirius told me what he'd done and I went out there because…well, just because I don't like Snape doesn't mean I want him dead, or worse. No offense, Moony."

I shrugged. None taken.

Dumbledore nodded. "James, Remus, Severus, you're free to go. Sirius, you and I have something to discuss."

Sirius nodded, his eyes downcast and I couldn't believe, yet again, that I'd fallen in love with someone who could nearly kill someone else just because of a lie. Would it change anything if I came out with that lie? Not likely. Best not to make things worse.

The second James and I got back to the tower, we wordlessly walked up to our dormitory. James kicked Peter out and I went for my cigarettes in my bedside table. Shaking, I put the fag to my lips and lit it.

"Sirius told me that you said you fancied Snape," James said softly. "Now, I've thought about it and all I can come up with is that you're a bloody liar and I can't believe that you would stoop so low."

I sighed. "I didn't mean any harm," I said as I sat down in the windowsill. "I told Sirius that to get him off my back."

"Remus, you used to tell him everything. Since November you've been acting weird around Pads. What's going on?"

I sighed and rest my head against the stone border of the window. "You want the truth?" I asked softly.

James nodded and sat down on my bed, facing me. "All of it," he said.

I sighed. Here goes nothing.

I told him everything. I told him about that night, back in November while Sirius was out on one of his many sexual escapades, when I'd realized I was in love with him. I told him that I did my best to ignore my feelings, but Sirius was just too smart for me to keep it from him for long. I told him how Sirius figured out that I was gay and then I told him the lie I'd told Sirius to save my skin.

"It looks like I've done something far worse than tell a simple lie," I whispered, wiping the tars off of my face and tossing out my fourth cigarette. "I didn't mean for this to happen, Prongs," I whispered. "Merlin knows I didn't want this…"

James was silent for a few moments. "You have to tell him," he said softly.

I shook my head. "I can't," I said softly. "Especially not after this. What would you do if you were me and Lily had done what Sirius did?" I asked.

James sighed and nodded. "I guess you're right," he said softly. "Remus, if Sirius gets expelled for this, I'm telling Dumbledore what you told me."

I let out a bitter chuckle. "If Sirius gets expelled for this, I'll be packing my bags," I said softly. "There's no point in being here if he isn't."

James sighed and shook his head. "That's bollocks," he said. "You know it is."


	6. Chapter 6

Sirius came back late that night and he looked worse for ware when he stumbled into the dormitory. He slowly walked over to me and grabbed a cigarette without a word. A moment later, he sat down on the windowsill next to me and I was shocked to see the tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" I asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

Sirius sighed. "Detention for the rest of the year," Sirius answered. "No Hogsmeade trip."

"That's not too bad," I said softly.

"Yes it is," Sirius whispered.

"What happened?" I asked again.

"Dumbledore's making me watch these videos over and over," he whispered. "They're about what the Ministry does to werewolves when they attack a human…"

My heart stopped beating for a split second. I knew those videos intimately. Dumbledore had made me watch them before he let me in to Hogwarts so that I would know what would happen to me if I ever broke out of the shack and hurt someone. They were not only horrific, they were enough to make me never want to leave the shack, even with Prongs and Padfoot right there to keep me in line.

I reached out and held Sirius' hand. I saw the tears fall from his eyes before he let out a sob and I held him as he cried. "It's so horrible," he whispered. "God, Moony, I'm so sorry."

And this was why I love him so much it hurts. This is why he's the bright spot in my never-ending night. This is why…

"It's alright, Sirius," I whispered. "Everything's just fine. Snape wasn't hurt and I wasn't exposed and nothing's going to happen to me. Everything's just fine…"

"No it's not," Sirius whispered, pulling away from me. He dried his tears. "I think I fucked up your chances with Snape for life," he whispered. "I'm sorry. I just…when you told me that you fancied Snape, I just went crazy."

I let out a laugh and Sirius looked at me like I was insane. "I thought you knew me better than that," I whispered.

Sirius continued to stare at me in shock. "What are you talking about?" he asked.

"You were right when you said I was lying," I said softly. "It's not Snape and I should have told you that from the beginning. I shouldn't have lied to you because then we wouldn't be in this mess. Merlin, I can be an idiot sometimes but I didn't think you'd actually believe me."

Sirius took a drag from his nearly-gone cigarette as he thought about what I'd just confessed. "So who is it then?" he asked softly.

I sighed. "I'm afraid to tell you," I said softly. At his glare, I quickly went on. "It's not someone you hate and I understand that if I had just told you to begin with we wouldn't be sitting here like this, but just hear me out," I said. He sighed and leaned against the wall of the window with a new cigarette that he lit off of the first one. I took out one and lit it before I continued. "They guy I'm in love with is one of the most amazing people I know," I said softly. "He's smart, he's funny, but there are times when he doesn't know when to stop and things get out of hand. He was dealt a pretty shitty hand in life, but no matter what he says, it's made him a better person. The problem I have is that I can't tell him that I love him because he's so completely straight that I know I'd never have a chance. I have to live with just being his friend, that is if he'll still have me as one after the lie I told him to get him to leave me alone when I was frustrated. And even if he did somehow manage to have the same feelings for me, I don't think I would do anything. I'd be too afraid of getting my heart broken by him…."

"Why would I break your heart?" Sirius asked softly.

I felt the tears burn my eyes before they fell down my cheeks. "Because you rip through everyone you've ever been with," I whispered. "You dump a girl on Monday and you're shagging the next by Tuesday. How could I not think that, Sirius?" I whispered.

Sirius sighed. "Moony, do you know what my perfect person would be like?" he asked. I shook my head. "It would be a person who could get along with my friends and put up with my pranks but at the same time have a measure of intelligence that made me feel like there was always something new to learn," he said. "It would be a person who I could trust and that I would care enough about to try something new just to prove that I can be smarter than I seem and _especially_ when I know that it will help that person out."

I felt my heart stop beating again. Did he realize that he'd just described _me?_ I sighed and took a drag from my cigarette and let the smoke out slowly. "I hope you find her," I whispered.

Sirius let out a bitter chuckle and shook his head. "Are you thick?" he demanded. My heart stopped again. "Merlin, I just described _you,_" he said. "Remus, think about it. Since November, you've been acting weird and I knew about it right away. You were always jealous of my girlfriends, not because they took me away from the group, but because they took me away from _you._ They all knew and they all pointed it out to me eventually. They all knew that I loved you and that was the reason I left them. Not because I got bored, but because I talked about you enough that they picked up on it. When you told me that you fancied Snape, I couldn't believe it because I was pretty damn sure I'd figured out that you were into me the same way I was into you. I paid attention and you never even look at Snape unless we're doing something to him or we're plotting something to do to him. I knew you were lying, but you made it so convincing that I had to believe you."

I sat in stunned silence. "Really?" I whispered. It was the only thing my brain could communicate to my mouth.

Sirius nodded. "Really," he answered.

"So…"

Sirius chuckled. "Look, Remus, I'm not the best guy in the world, especially not after I got so jealous I almost killed a person…but…" Sirius sighed and took a drag from his cigarette. "You said that I basically plowed through one girl after another and you're right, I did. I was looking for something that none of them had."

"What was that?" I asked.

"They weren't you," Sirius whispered.

My heart thundered in my chest. I couldn't believe that this was happening and I was expecting myself to wake up here at any moment. There was no way this was actually happening. This had to be just another tormenting dream of mine.

"I'm not jeopardizing our friendship for a fling, Sirius," I said softly. "I'm not going to be another notch on your belt and I'm not going to be just another ex girlfriend. If this happens, this has to be _real._ You can't just toss me aside after a month because you're bored."

Sirius let out a growl and chucked the stub of his cigarette out the window. "You haven't been listening, have you?" he demanded.

"That's where you're wrong, Sirius," I snapped back. "I _have_ been listening. I've heard every word you've told me and this is what the terms are. Take it or leave it but this is a one-time offer. If you don't take it now, it will never happen. You are far too important to me for something like this to destroy us. If this doesn't work, I don't think I can be your friend. There is no going back."

Sirius sighed and ran his hands through his hair in an uncharacteristically nervous gesture. "I'm not going to toss you aside, Remus," he said softly. "I'm not going to add you to the pile of ex girlfriends. We'll take it at whatever pace you want it to go, but please believe me when I say that this _is_ what I want. This is what I've been looking for. I don't have to worry about you getting in the way of me spending time with my friends because you are my best friend," he said. "I don't have to worry about anyone finding out that you're a werewolf because, well, you already know. And you know all of my secrets, Remus. You know _everything_ about me and all of those girls…they were toys to me just like I was to them."

I nodded and let the air out of my lungs slowly. "So…you agree to the terms?" I asked.

Sirius chuckled. "Of course I do," he said softly. "Now come closer and kiss me, damnit."

I chuckled and flicked my cigarette out the window. How could I refuse such a request?


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning I woke up and I couldn't remember if I had dreamed the events of the night before or not. James and Sirius were both waiting for the shower when I finally drew back the curtains, which meant that Peter was the one who had gotten up first. He'd been doing that a lot lately. I had been the first one up for five years, but this last year had led to many sleepless nights, which meant that there were quite a few late mornings. I wasn't usually the last one up though.

"Hey, Moony," James said. I smiled my greetings to the two of them and went for my cigarettes. I noticed James make his face of disgust and I didn't care. I sat down at the window and lit one up. Sirius walked over to me and smiled as he took one too. The great thing about magic was that my pack of cigarettes never emptied. It was a wonderful thing.

Peter came out of the bathroom a few minutes later and James looked over at Sirius and I. "I'm jumping in," he said.

Sirius nodded and I shrugged. I wasn't next in line anyway. Peter finished getting himself ready and told us that he'd meet us for breakfast in a few. I wasn't in any hurry to leave the dormitory, and I knew Sirius felt the same.

"Last night feels like a dream," Sirius said softly, looking out at the early morning landscape. "Doesn't it?" he asked.

I nodded, realizing that it wasn't a dream. Either that or this was another dream. "I wasn't sure it had actually happened," I confessed.

Sirius chuckled. "Neither was I," he said. "I guess that means that we have another chance to say whatever we need to say before it's actually official then."

I smiled as I brought my cigarette up for another drag. "Anything you want to add then?" I asked.

Sirius sighed. "What do we say to Prongs and Wormtail?" he asked. "I mean…do we tell them anything?"

"James will figure it out sooner or later," I said. "He's bound to because we're probably going to want to spend some time by ourselves. It's hard to _not _notice these kinds of things." _Especially after what I told James,_ I silently added.

"You know, he's the one who actually talked me in to telling you," Sirius said softly. "He said that there was no way that you could like Snape and that you probably just said that to hide the truth. If I'd listened to him…"

"Then James already knows," I said softly. "And you didn't listen to him. There are times when you just don't listen to anyone. You really should consider doing that sometimes."

Sirius chuckled. "I should," he said with a nod. "That doesn't mean I will though," he sighed. "Do you remember how I asked you to move in with me?" he asked. I nodded. "Will you?"

I smiled. "You think you can stand living with me all the time without a break?" I asked.

"Are you kidding?" Sirius asked softly. "Why would I ever want to spend a day without you there?"

I smiled and leaned in close to him. "Stop being so cheesy and just kiss me," I whispered.

"Gladly," Sirius said with a smirk. "I was starting to get nauseous with all that shit."

I chuckled and reached up to grab the collar of his pajama shirt and pulled him towards me.

Last night had been out of this world and I hadn't even committed it to memory because I didn't think it had actually happened. But now…. I wanted to memorize every part of him. The taste of cigarettes, the smell of the sun and laughter, and the morning stubble on his chin as it scratched against my own. His lips were just as soft as I'd always thought they would be and his tongue was velvet against my own. I didn't want this moment to ever end.

"Ahem."

Sirius and I pulled away from each other so quickly that we both cracked our heads on the window frame behind us. "Fuck!" Sirius hissed. I managed to keep my mouth shut but that didn't stop the smarting from the back of my head to make the tears burn at my eyes.

"Nice to see you two getting along again. The shower's free."

"Thanks, Prongs," Sirius muttered, rubbing the back of his head. "Any reason you felt the need to interrupt such a delightful snog?"

I chuckled as James smirked. "Well, I tried to wait for the two of you to break apart or something, but that didn't happen. Sorry, but I felt it was important for you to know that you could have your shot at the shower. Try not to use it at the same time."

I blushed as Sirius was finally shocked speechless. I couldn't imagine any reason for his shock, after all, Sirius was famous for jumping in the sack and shagging a girl the first night he knew her. His sudden shock that James would call him on it shocked me.

"There's no need to worry about that yet, Prongs," I said softly. "We'll meet you down at breakfast, right?" I asked.

James laughed and nodded. "Right," he said. "See you."

Sirius sighed and hung his head the moment the door closed behind James. "That was embarrassing," he muttered.

"Why?" I asked. "Sooner or later it was bound to happen. Our friends were going to see it someday."

"Yes, but James is like my brother," Sirius muttered. "That's the embarrassing part."

I sighed. "Sirius, it's nothing big. Just go take your shower."

Sirius tilted his head to the side. "My Moony is mad at me," he said softly. "What did I do and how can I fix it?"

"I'm not mad," Sirius," I mumbled. I was irritated that he would think that kissing me was embarrassing, or at least, kissing me in front of James….

What did he know about being gay anyway? What did he know about men period? Sirius' expertise was with women, not men.

"Come here," he said softly, reaching up and gently pulling my chin to face him. I didn't even remember looking away. I let my chin go, but I closed my eyes. "Look at me," he said softly. I let out a small sigh and opened my eyes. "I'm not embarrassed about kissing you in front of James or anyone else," he said softly. "What embarrassed me was the fact that it was _James._ He's basically my brother."

I sighed and reached for the cigarettes. "I said I'm not mad, Sirius," I repeated. "Just go take your show so I can have mine."

Sirius sighed and leaned in to kiss me one more time before he got up to head into the bathroom. I sighed as he shut the door behind him and leaned back with my cigarette.

He was embarrassed about kissing me in front of James. Figures. Leave it to me to finally get the man I've been in love with for so long and then find out that he doesn't like kissing me in front of his best friend. I shook my head and took a drag from my cigarette. Figures.


	8. Chapter 8

My shower that day was longer than usual. I couldn't get over the thought that he was actually embarrassed to kiss me. I let the hot water run over me and I swear I felt tears fall, even though I didn't want them to. I sighed and stepped out of the shower thirty minutes after I'd stepped into it. I reached for my towel and wrapped it around my body as I walked over to the sink.

The mirror had completely fogged over and I raised my hand to clear it. I wasn't surprised to see that my eyes were red, but I had hoped they wouldn't be. I couldn't claim that on the shower. Those red eyes were a direct result of crying. Merlin, if it was only day one and this was already happening to me, what would happen to us? How could I be this depressed and elated at the same time? What was the big deal about a fucking kiss?

I would have thought that it was just the fact that Sirius wasn't a big public affection type of person, but I had watched him virtually have sex with a girl in the common room. It wasn't that. Thus the only logical conclusion I could come up with was that Sirius didn't want it known that he was dating another man. Go figure. I didn't care anymore. Everyone knew I was different though, thankfully, none of them knew that I was a werewolf. If I came out as gay, people would finally leave me alone. Maybe.

I stepped out of the bathroom once I was fully dressed and I was surprised to see Sirius waiting for me. I eyed him curiously as I walked over to my trunk to put away my things. "I thought you would have gone off to breakfast," I said softly as I sat down on my trunk. "What are you still doing here?"

"You're still upset with me," Sirius said softly with a sigh. "I couldn't leave knowing that you're still mad."

I sighed in frustration. "I'm _not_ mad, Sirius," I said again. "Though if you keep accusing me of it, I'm likely to become pissed off very quickly."

I stood up and went for my cigarettes and sat down on the window ledge. I lit the fag and took a deep drag before I looked over at him again. "I'm upset, yes," I finally consented. "But I'm not mad."

"Why are you upset?" Sirius asked, walking over to me. He grabbed a cigarette from the pack and lit it as he sat down across the window from me. "What did I do?"

I shook my head and closed my eyes, taking another drag. "You're embarrassed to kiss me in front of James and I don't understand why," I finally whispered. "Care to explain that one to me?" I asked.

Sirius sighed. "Merlin, I must look like the world's biggest asshole to you," he sighed.

"Sirius, no," I said softly, reaching out and grabbing his hand. "You're not the biggest asshole in the world, I just don't understand how you can practically fuck some random girl in the common room in front of all of us, but you're embarrassed to kiss me in front James."

Sirius sighed and squeezed my hand before he took a drag of his cigarette. "I don't know how to explain it, Remus," he said softly. "It's just…this is new to me, you know?" he asked. "I haven't done the guy thing before and I really do love you, but it's James, you know?" he asked.

We'd finally reached the heart of the matter and I was one of the few who were able to read between the lines when Sirius spoke. I let go of his hand and took a drag of my cigarette. "In other words, you're scared shitless and you don't want anyone to know you're with a man," I whispered, tossing my cigarette out the window. I stood and started heading towards the door, attempting to end the conversation. I had barely put my hand on the handle when he turned me around and kissed me.

I easily welcomed the kiss because, after all, this was Sirius and I loved him more than anything else in the world. His hands un-tucked my shirt from my slacks and slid across my chest and wrapped around me, holding me close to him. He broke the kiss in favor of my neck and I couldn't hold back the gasp and neither of us could fight the arousal.

After kissing me again, he met my eyes. "I don't care who knows," he said, his voice husky and deep and somehow made things happen that shouldn't be happening at that moment. He swallowed audibly and continued. "I'm scared. I'll freely give you that one, Remus, but only because for the first time I'm _sure_ of something and that's never happened before. I've never let that happen before. I always got out of the relationship before I passed the point of no return, but, Remus…we're just starting this and I came into this relationship passed that point. There's no going back for me, you have to know this. I'm in this for the long haul. I don't want to walk out on you and I'm starting to wonder if you're trying to suddenly push me away again."

I sighed and closed my eyes, resting my head on the door behind me. "I'm just scared that I'm going to end up like all those girls," I whispered. I opened my eyes and met his. I didn't see shock or astonishment, I saw regret. Regret for what? For leaving them and giving me this insane notion? Probably. Hell, if I believed the words, it was more likely that he regretted giving me the image that he would leave me. I wasn't sure if I believed the image or words, and that was going to be our biggest problem in the very near future.

That was when it struck me. I was worrying way to damn much. I was freaking out because my best friend, who was now my boyfriend, had a history with _women_ that I didn't want to happen to me. There's one _huge_ difference between me and everyone of the girls Sirius dated. I'm not a girl.

Sirius gave me a look of confusion that lasted only a split second before I pulled him close and captured his mouth with mine. Fuck doubt. Fuck illusion and skepticism. I love Sirius and, by Merlin, I'll be with him for as long as I can be. Come what may.

Sirius pulled away from me, confused. "What changed?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Does it really matter?" I asked. "Just a thought."

Sirius shrugged and kissed me again, this time lightly, so that we didn't get caught into something. "Are you ready to go down to breakfast yet?" he asked. "Or do I still need to convince you that I love you?"

I shook my head. "Convinced," I said softly. "Let's eat."

Sirius withdrew his hands from my shirt and stepped back. I couldn't help it, I looked, just to see if I really could affect him like his previous girlfriends had. He closed his robes, covering what had risen in the ten minutes or so he'd spent convincing me of things I had to convince myself of.

I felt the smirk and that had formed of its own accord and Sirius noticed. He shook his head and chuckled. "Unless you'd rather stay?" he asked.

I shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant about it, but my heart was racing at four times its normal rate and thundered in my ears. I shook my head. "Not here," I said softly. "I can think of better places to go."

Sirius laughed that rich, velvety laugh that I swore actually brushed against me, caused things in lower regions to throb with need. It made me wonder if that laugh could be bottled and used as a drug. It certainly worked like one for me.

"Breakfast then," Sirius said with a smile. I smiled back and closed my own robe over things I didn't want the world to know about and we left the tower.


	9. Chapter 9

We got to breakfast with enough time to eat something small before the food was gone. James and Peter looked at us oddly when we finally showed up, but James didn't say anything until we'd sat down.

"Mid-morning quickie?" he asked.

I blushed and shook my head. Sirius reached for my hand under the table and winked at me when I glanced over at him. I couldn't help but smile. He really was the most charming man in the entire school. And that wasn't me being biased. Just ask any girl or gay boy in this school and they'll tell you the exact same thing.

*

Summer came almost too quickly. Before I could blink, it felt like Sirius and I were just starting out and suddenly we had to leave each other for three months. Letters would have to sate our desire to be together for at least three weeks, since my family decided that we would be going to Venice for one last family vacation before I never came back.

The full moon came a week before we would leave. As Pomfrey guided me to the Whomping Willow, I looked back at the castle, hoping that Sirius would be here with me tonight.

I made my way through the tunnel and up the stairs to the bedroom above. I put the extra clothes I brought with me in the wardrobe, just in case these ones were ruined, and went back downstairs. I sat down on a chair and waited. For the full moon to rise or the others to get here, I wasn't sure. The only thing I really knew was that I was filled with this sense of waiting.

The trap door opened and Sirius came bounding into the room on four furry paws. He was almost always in Animagus form when he came into the shack. I managed to glance up at James, who had Peter in his pocket, in just enough time to feel the moon come up over the horizon.

I cried out as the first spasm struck me, nearly knocking me out of the chair. James was suddenly changing into a stag and Peter jumped from his pocket. I cried out again and dropped to my knees in front of the chair. Every bone felt like it was breaking. Every organ in my body felt like it was bursting. My blood felt like fire in my veins. My scream suddenly became a howl and Sirius was right there.

The cold wet nose on the side of my head irritated me. I lashed out with a clawed, half-transformed hand and knocked it away. Sirius came rushing back to me and we fought because the change always makes us fight. If I can't attack something else, I attack myself. There is no thought as to who or what I'm fighting.

I collapsed after the change was over, panting heavily. Dog came up to me and licked the side of my face. I winced and moved my head away because it stung. He laid down next to me and rest his head on my foreleg. He whined a little and I looked up at Alpha Stag. Why are they _always_ here?

I got to my paws and started walking over to the hill. Dog, Alpha, and Rat stared at me as I looked back. I shook out my fur before I started trotting up the stairs. Alpha never came up here. Rat didn't like it either. The den walls were too weak for them. They didn't like the way the ground moved above here.

Dog got to his paws and followed. I heard the sound that meant Alpha and Rat were leaving and grinned. I jumped onto the soft bed because I liked it up here and watched the door as Dog walked in.

He looked at me through confused eyes as he tilted his head to the side. I stood up and circled around before I laid down again. Dog seemed to understand even though we spoke different languages and joined me.

I could feel Other Half's contentment as I buried my nose in Dog's fur. It was nice to know that Other Half and Dog finally came to terms with what's really going on.

When I opened my eyes the next morning, I wasn't surprised to find that I was still in the shack. I woke up almost every time in the shack. What did surprise me was the soft snoring coming from beside me.

My body hurt in more places than normal and I winced as I turned my head to find Sirius laying in the bed beside me. The morning sunlight drifted in through the slits in the window and the dust in the air made it glow as it hit him. I couldn't remember anything that happened last night, but Sirius had a gash on his arm that I knew came from me.

Gingerly, I rose from the bed and went for the clothes I'd put in the wardrobe. I pulled them on, wincing with almost every movement. The smell of blood in the air was so strong it made me wonder how violent I was last night.

I sat back down on the edge of the bed and reached up to scratch an itch on the back of my neck. I was surprised to find that I'd been bitten there. Pulling my hand back, I saw blood on my fingers. Absently, I licked it away. Being a werewolf had its disadvantages in that we were often so very not-human that it was a little unnerving.

I sighed and reached over to nudge Sirius' shoulder. He cried out as his eyes opened and I jerked my hand away. "Sorry," I said quickly.

He looked at me. "No worries," he muttered as he slowly sat up.

He had a similar bite on the back of his neck. "What happened last night?" I asked.

Sirius looked confused for a moment before he sighed and shook his head. "Your wolf decided there was too much sexual tension," he mumbled.

I blushed and looked away. Sirius and I hadn't gone that far in our relationship yet, so to realize the wolf had decided it was time was another of those unnerving things. "Um...and what did you do?" I asked.

Sirius chuckled. "Funny thing there," he said softly before he reached up and pulled the collar of my shirt down in the back to expose the bite.

"Oh," I whispered. "Great," I mumbled.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I should have just left with Prongs and Wormtail, but I didn't..."

I sighed and held my head in my hands. Great. Not only was it our first time together, but it was _my _first time and I don't even get the luxury of _remembering_ it. With another sigh I got back up and hunted for my shoes. I found them under the foot of the bed and pulled them on.

"You're mad, aren't you?" Sirius asked.

"Stunned, a little shaken, and pissed at the wolf, not you," I said. "I just wish I could _control_ it," I said. "Or at least remember what it does."

"Remus, don't beat yourself up over this," Sirius said softly.

"Take a look at your arm again and tell me not to beat myself up," I said, finishing with the lacing up of my shoe. I pulled the other one on my foot and started lacing it up.

Sirius looked at his arm. "It's not that deep," he said with a nonchalant shrug. He pulled out his wand and tapped the cut. It was healed instantly. "See?" he asked. "Good as new."

"Lucky you," I sighed. My wounds never healed that quickly. Healing spells and werewolves didn't mix. It was like oil and water. You could try all you wanted to but the best you were going to get was a little here and there.

I felt the bed shift as Sirius got to his knees. He crawled up behind me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I hissed from the pain and stiffened. He loosened his arms, but he didn't move away. I was kind of grateful for that.

I leaned back into him and he kissed the top of my head. "I love you," he said softly.

I smiled weakly. "I love you too," I replied. I still wasn't sure how to react with the information of last night. That wolf inside of me was going to get me into serious trouble some day.

My return to the dormitory that afternoon was greeted by emptiness. The others, I knew, were still in the common room. Sirius and James were in the middle of a game of Wizard's Chess and Peter, for some reason, was reading in a corner by himself.

I made my way to the nightstand where my cigarettes were hiding and pulled one out. I eased myself onto the sill and opened the window as I lit it. I took in a deep drag because it was my first one of the day. I leaned my head back and held my breath for a moment for the nicotine to get into my bloodstream. I exhaled when I started to feel dizzy and watched the smoke rise into the bright blue sky.

The door opened and I glanced over. Sirius walked in with a triumphant look on his face. Clearly, he'd won the game, not that it was that hard. James was great at a lot of things, but chess had never been one of them.

Sirius reached for the cigarettes and took one as he joined me. "Why don't you get your own pack?" I asked. "You always smoke mine."

He smiled. "I like sucking your fags," he said.

I couldn't help but laugh. "You pig," I said as he sat down.

He laughed. "You're in a better mood," he said.

"I have cigarettes now," I replied, taking a drag.

"Are you looking forward to Venice?" Sirius asked.

I sighed. "Not really," I said. "I have to see all of the Muggle sights, spend most of my time with Russel, and wander around a country I don't speak the language of," I said. "If we were going to France again, that would be one thing — I can speak French. I can't speak Italian."

"You'll have fun," Sirius said. "You and Russ always have fun together."

I shrugged. "It was easier when he was younger," I said. "Five years is a big age-gap now. Besides, my step-father still hates the fact that I'm around. His whole thing behind this trip was a celebration of the fact I'm turning seventeen in three weeks and after next year, I won't be going back."

"He's still on about that?" Sirius asked.

I nodded. If being a half-blood werewolf wasn't enough, I had to have two Muggle parents thrown on top of it. All because my father ran off after I was attacked. It wasn't a story I liked telling people because it was a part of my life I was actually ashamed of.

"I might not come back."


	10. Chapter 10

I stared at Sirius in utter shock. "What?" I whispered.

"I might not come back next year."

He wouldn't look at me. He brought the cigarette back up to his mouth and slowly took a drag before letting it out and staring at the forest. I wanted to hit him. "What the fuck do you mean you're not coming back?" I demanded.

Sirius sighed and rest his head against the stones behind him. "What's the point?" he asked. "The excitement, the war, it's all out there, not in here. I want a head start."

"No," I said, shaking my head. "No, you are _not_ doing this to me." I stood up and angrily threw my cigarette out through the window. "Why?" I demanded.

"Why not?" Sirius asked. "What's the point in coming back? I don't need N.E.W.T.s, Remus. Why should I hang around for a test that I can drop out of school and take in two years? What's the point in hanging around when the resistance needs fighter? Voldemort is out there and he's killing everyone! I want to help stop him."

"You can't leave me, Sirius!" I nearly shouted. "We've always said that we'd go to war together – the _four_ of us! That doesn't mean that you drop out early and go off on your own, that means we all go after we've taken our N.E.W.T.s!"

"Whoa."

I whipped around, my body screaming at me for the sudden movement, and saw James standing at the door. "Get out!" I shouted.

James glared at me. "Don't fucking tell me to get out of here, Remus," he said. "If you two want to be alone for your little lover's quarrel, go somewhere else to do it."

"Fine," I spat, grabbing my cigarettes and heading for the door.

"Remus!" Sirius called.

I ignored him and slammed the door shut behind me. I ran down the staircase despite the ache and burn I felt in my body and made it to the lake before I realized I'd left the school. I bent down for a rock and threw it into the lake. It splashed and sank as I sat down. I held my head in my hands and felt a sob rise that I couldn't stop. It shook my shoulders and I couldn't figure out why I felt this way. Him not coming back to Hogwarts didn't mean he was leaving me. I just couldn't seem to convince myself of that.

"Remus."

"Go away, Sirius," I whispered. "I can't do this right now."

"I don't want to fight, Remus," he said softly, sitting down on the grass next to me. "Why is it so important to you that I come back next year?" he asked.

I glared at him. "You can't figure that out?" I asked. "Jesus, Sirius, if you go to war, I'll never know if you're okay. I want to be there with you, fighting next to you, so I know."

"You're afraid I'm going to die?"

I nodded. "Yeah," I whispered.

Sirius reached out and wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. I relaxed into his arm and sighed. "I'll come back," he said softly.

*

My mother sighed as the car pulled into the drive. We'd just returned from Venice and the full moon was tomorrow night. She hated cutting our trips so close to it, but my step-father kept insisting that we'd be fine so long as we came back today. It wasn't until I looked towards the house that I realized what she was sighing about.

Sirius stood against the post that held the awning over the stairs. I sighed as we got out of the car. My mother met my eyes over the roof. "He's not staying, Remus," she said. "Not this close to the full moon."

I nodded. "I know," I said. "I'll get my luggage when we're done talking," I said.

My mother nodded and the three of them started getting their suitcases from the trunk. I slowly walked up to Sirius. "Come on," I said, leading him behind the house and down a steep hill. There was a shack from one of the old farmers who had owned our home about fifty years ago at the bottom. Years ago, after we moved here, I'd taken it over because I needed a place to go that wasn't surrounded by Muggles and humans.

I opened the door of the little shack and walked in. With a flick of my wand, the candles sputtered to life. I sat down on the foam pad I'd brought out here and waited for Sirius to start. We'd left Hogwarts three weeks ago and this was the first I was hearing from him.

"How was Italy?" he asked, looking at his feet with his hands shoved deep in his pockets.

"Fine," I said shortly. "How is it living with James?"

He stared at me, jaw slightly open. "How do you know?" he asked.

"Some people actually answer the letters their friends send them," I said bitterly. "What I don't get is why my friend could but my boyfriend couldn't."

Sirius sighed. "I didn't know what to say," he said softly.

I pulled my cigarettes out of my pocket and lit one. Because I knew he'd want it, I tossed one up to Sirius. "You should have figured it out."

"I'm sorry," he snapped. "Quit treating me like a fucking child!"

"Stop acting like one!" I snapped, getting to my feet. "_You _should have told me what was going on, _not_ James!"

"Letters go two ways, Remus!" he shouted. "You only wrote _once_!"

"I was expecting a _reply_!" I shouted. "Excuse me for expectations that are _clearly_ above you!"

"_I almost died!_" he shouted. I was stunned into silence. "James didn't tell you that one, did he?" he asked darkly. "He didn't tell you how I showed up on his doorstep bleeding to death or how I had welts and bruises and gashes all over, did he?" he asked angrily. "How the fuck was I supposed to tell you that when you were so scared that I was going to die already?"

I felt like my heart had stopped. My knees gave out and I dropped to the floor on the foam pad. Sirius knelt in front of me and I wrapped my arms around him. "What happened?" I whispered, feeling tears burning my eyes.

"My parents found out I'm gay," he said softly. "Regulus is a Death Eater. He decided that he was going to wreak some Voldemort's attention-worthy havoc and attacked me in my sleep. I barely got out of there and I ran as far as I could before I collapsed. I transformed back into human-shape and then I Apparated to Godric's Hollow. Mr. and Mrs. Potter nursed me back from the grave and I just yesterday was able to anything without feeling like I was going to die doing it," he said.

I squeezed him, unable to believe that he'd almost died. The sudden burning on my finger reminded me that I had a cigarette. I hissed as I pulled away from him and tossed it into the old coffee can I had for the butts.

Sirius took my injured hand in his. "Are you okay?" he asked.

I shook my head. "No, I'm not okay," I cried, feeling the tears falling. He sat down and I wrapped my arms around his waist as I rest my head on his thigh. He lit his cigarette and held it in one hand while he ran his fingers through my hair with the other.

"I wanted to tell you but I didn't think writing it down was a good idea. What would you have done in Venice if I had?" he asked. "You would have gone completely crazy because you couldn't do anything," he said. "What was the point in ruining your vacation?"

"You should have told me," I said through my tears. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine," Sirius said. There was a break in his voice that I caught. I lifted my head and looked up at him. I was surprised to see a tear on his face.

I reached up and brushed it away. "Liar," I whispered before I leaned in and kissed him like I'd wanted to do for three weeks.

Sirius readily accepted my kiss, pulling me closer to him. He tossed his cigarette into the can and laid down on the pad beneath us.

He still had lingering bruises on his body, in places he probably hadn't told anyone about. The only reason I saw them was because I made him forget they were there. That shack was never intended for the things we did in it that day. What had been originally meant to be the place I could go when I needed a return to normalcy, became a place with Sirius' scent where I would be able to forget everything and fly to the stars.

I curled up with him when we were ready collapse from exhaustion. My ear over his heart allowed me to hear the steady, if fast, beating that assured me he was still alive and not going anywhere.

I was surprised when he pushed me away after a moment and stood to get dressed. He reached for the cigarettes and lit it, leaving me to figure out what I was going to do – lay there like an idiot or get dressed too.

I chose getting dressed because there was a look on his face that I knew was going to lead to a conversation I wasn't going to like.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, leaning against the old, uneven table that held the candles.

"Sorry about what?" I asked, lighting my own fag. I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly while waiting for him to confess whatever it was that he had on his chest.

"Do you remember Tosh?" he asked, flicking the ashes off of his cigarette and taking another drag. He pushed his hair away from his face and I felt like my stomach was suddenly made of lead and had dropped through the floor. I nodded. "Did you know she lives in Godric's Hollow?" Sirius asked, clearing his throat at the end of the question. That alone told me more than I wanted to know. Hadn't he just told me that he'd been injured badly and yesterday–

Yesterday.

"What did you do?" I asked, trying to keep the emotions from my voice. The rage, anger, hurt, and agony I was feeling managed to stay away from my voice long enough to get the question out. Once I'd asked it, the lump planted itself firmly and my throat tightened around it. I was determined to not let the tears fall. Not for him.

Sirius cleared his throat again and took another drag. He still wasn't really looking at me. "She...um..." He sighed heavily.

"Just say it," I said with a rough voice. "Don't skirt around it, Sirius, not with me." The tears filled my eyes. They were ready to fall.

Sirius closed his eyes and seemed to shrink inches and close in on himself. He hung his head, shoulders slumped. His hand shook as he took another drag. "Last night we slept together," he said in a voice that was barely above a breath. Too quiet to be a whisper. Sirius knew I'd hear it. He knew I was the only person in his life who would be able to hear it.

I took a drag from my cigarette. "Get out," I said as I exhaled.

He dared to meet my eyes. "Moony, I–"

"I said get out," I calmly repeated. I was surprising myself with how cold I felt. The rage and pain that shattered my heart kept me from being heated.

"Remus, please–"

I stood up with a glare so suddenly Sirius didn't see me move. One of the benefits of being cursed with lycanthropy. For a split second, he just stared at me. "Don't you even start," I snapped as he opened his mouth to speak. "I go three weeks without hearing from you because _you_ can't figure out how to tell me that your brother almost killed you and you're now living with the Potters. I can deal with that one. Then we have sex. Great sex, I might add. Then you pull away from me and tell me that you're _sorry_ because you fucked some other girl when you told me that was all in the past _four months ago!_" I shouted. "I am _not_ a notch on your fucking belt, Sirius!" I screamed. "Get the fuck out!"

"NO!" Sirius shouted. "You are _not_ pushing me away again! I fucked up, yes. I probably ruined everything we have, I get that. But you are _not_ going to shove me out that door until I finish."

"THEN FINISH!" I bellowed, throwing my cigarette down.

Sirius took one last drag from his and tossed it into the can. "You are a notch," he said. "You're just another fling in a long line of them."

I felt the shock numb everything I was feeling moments ago. My breath caught in my throat and wouldn't move in or out. My heart stopped beating.

Sirius' face softened from its stony glare. "But you're the last fling," he said softly. "You're the deepest notch. You're the first one on my heart. The only one there."

"Then why?" I whispered so weakly that I wondered if he even heard me.

"Because I don't know how to change," he said with tears in his eyes. "I don't know how to keep the good stuff in my life when I've spent so much time running from it and pushing it away. I don't know what to do, Remus," he whispered. "I don't know how to keep loving you and keep being true to you when every time it's gotten even remotely close to being this potentially I've run for the hills and shagged the first girl I could find who would let me," he said. "I don't know how to be monogamous."

"Well I can't share," I said. "So you either have to figure out how, or you have to walk away and never come back. Either way, right now you have to go. It's too close to the full moon, Sirius. I've got too much to deal with to have you put this shit out on the table right now. So go, okay?" I asked, begging my tears not to fall just yet. "Just go."

"Remus, I..."

"Don't say it!" I nearly screamed. "GO!"

He seemed to fall apart as I pointed to the door. Without another word or an attempt at one, he slowly walked to the door. He looked back at me as he opened it and I let my arm fall to my side. How could he do this to me? To us? With a heavy sigh, he left. I dropped to my knees as the door shut. I managed to hold myself together for a minute while he either walked away or Disapparated. After that, I threw my head back and I screamed, letting it all out before I dissolved into tears, too tired and too hurt to deal with it.

**AN: So this is the longest chapter so far. There are a few more surprises coming up for Remus. I want to shout out a special thanks to Harrypotterlover123 for all of the reviews. And an apology I meant to put on the last chapter for the delay in updating. I've been in the process of moving and getting settled in and the only reason Hermione's Suicide gets updated more often is because it was written more than a year ago and it's finished. This one still gives me trouble so if there are more delays in the future, and we all know there will be, I apologize now. Alright, so the next chapter's almost finished, expect it here in the next few days. Don't forget to review!!!**


	11. Chapter 11

I didn't surface from the shack until nearly nightfall. I numbly made my way up the hill to the car in the drive and pulled my suitcases from the trunk. I slowly walked into the house and up the stairs to my bedroom, tossed the suitcases in the corner and laid down. I needed a shower, but I didn't have the energy. I needed food, but I didn't have the energy. I needed _chocolate_ and I didn't have the energy to reach across the foot from where my hand sat to the nightstand where I kept my supply.

I ignored the knock on the door and the two times it happened again after that. The door opened and I didn't bother to even move my eyes to see that it was my mother standing in the doorway. "Remus?" she asked.

I didn't answer.

She walked in and shut the door behind her. She sat down on the edge of my bed and smoothed my hair away from my face. "What's the matter, Sweetheart?" she asked.

I slowly blinked and let out a sigh. "You know I'm gay, right?" I asked softly.

She nodded. Parents are always the first to suspect but the last to know. We'd never actually sat down and had the conversation, but she knew. I knew she did. "Is Sirius your boyfriend?" she asked.

The mere mention of Sirius' name brought tears to my eyes again. "I don't know anymore," I whispered before I buried my face in my pillow. My shoulders shook with a soundless sob. I wanted to scream again but managed to keep myself from it.

"Talk to me, Pet," she softly said. "What makes my boy cry?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I said.

"When you do, I'm here for you," she said softly. "You've a package from your father. It's down in the kitchen. Dinner's ready too if you want it. We've chocolate ice cream for dessert."

"Can I skip dinner and go for the ice cream?" I asked.

She nodded. "Of course you can," she said softly. "Come on. Out of bed. You'll not do yourself any good lying here."

I sighed and sat up. I hugged my mother because, even though she didn't understand so much, she understood what it felt to have your heart ripped out by the person you love. She has been through it after all.

The package from my father was on the dining room table. I ignored it while I got a bowl of ice cream and drowned it in chocolate syrup. Russel, my twelve-year old half-brother walked in and saw me with the ice cream. "Why do you get to skip dinner?" he asked.

"Because I'm seventeen," I answered, taking a bite and then turning to the box wrapped in brown paper. My father's name and address was at the top and mine was in the middle. For more than ten years I've wanted to know where he was. Now, for the first time since he left, I have an address.

I unwrapped the package and opened the box under the paper. Inside was a letter, a watch, and a book. I smirked as I unfolded the letter, wondering why he chose to get me a book. I expected something a little more...normal, I guess. He didn't know I liked books, after all.

I turned my attention to the letter. I had old ones from when he first left that I used to read over and over. His handwriting had gotten worse over time.

_Remus,_

_ How many years has it been? There are days that I feel as though I left you and your mother only yesterday and others where I feel as though I left you lifetimes ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and your mother. I know you both must hate me, I did leave you without a thought or a word, so it seems. You both have every right to hate me, but I hope that you read this letter in its fullest. There is information I will be writing down that you, especially you, are going to want to know._

_ First, let me tell you happy birthday. You are seventeen now! It feels like just yesterday your mother and I were bringing you home from the hospital. Imagine her surprise when you started levitating your car seat on the way home! I still laugh at the memory. I was so happy that you had inherited my family's magic._

_ And then the attack... You were five years old when it happened. Sandra always told me that my gambling problem would get us into trouble some day. I never imagined it would lead to a lifetime of problems for you. I never once believed that anything I did could affect you in such a way. Please, Remus, please forgive me for what I did. I had no right to put your life in danger. That is why I left. I want you to know that I have not gambled once since that day. Every time the opportunity arose, all I could see was your battered body in my arms and your blood everywhere. That night has haunted me and I couldn't face it. That's why I left._

_ The watch is a gift all Wizards receive for their seventeenth birthday. It was my great-grandfather's. It's been passed down for generations and now it is your turn to have it. I don't know what you're fond of, but the book, I believe, will benefit you greatly. It was written a few centuries ago and I found it in an old Muggle bookstore. When I saw who the author was, I couldn't help but grab it. It sometimes amazes me how many of our things end up lost in the Muggle world._

_ It was written by a man named Caine Lycan. He studied what he called the "Werewolf Phenomenon" for thirty years and wrote a book. During his studies, he was attacked by a werewolf and became one. He believed he found a cure based on legends and lore. He was never able to prove his theory. The information is in the book._

I stared at the paragraph in shock. A _cure_? My heart raced and I continued to read.

_Come visit me at any time. There is some information I don't dare put in a letter because I'm not certain I'll be able to write it correctly. I have a friend, he's a potions master, and he believes he may have found a way to make the transformations bearable. If he's correct, his potion could change the world. There could be an end to werewolf attacks everywhere. You would be able to keep your mind, Son. Come see me. He would like to speak with you as well._

_ I hope this package finds you in good health and spirits. I hope that your life is rich and full of everything you could ever want. I hope you come. The address is on the wrappings of the box. Day or night, Remus, don't be afraid to come._

_ Your father,_

_ Romulus Lupin_

Shaking, I put the letter back in the box. I quickly stood and raced for the front door, pulling my cigarettes from my pocket. You don't hear that kind of information and not need one. It took me three tries to light it and I was still shaking as I exhaled the third drag. "Holy shit," I whispered to myself.

"Remus?" my mother asked. I looked up at the doorway she stood in. "Yeah?" I asked.

"Are you alright?" she asked. "What did your father send you?"

"Information on a possible cure," I said with a shaking voice.

She stepped out of the doorway and let it fall shut. "A cure?" she asked. She moved to sit on the porch swing with me. "An honest-to-God cure?"

I shrugged. "Possibly," I said. "I haven't read what's in the book yet, but he told me it was written by a man who studied werewolves and eventually became one himself. It's a couple of centuries old."

"Good Lord, Remus," she said with a heavy sigh. "This is big news."

I nodded. Unfortunately, I'd been hit with so much "big" news that I didn't think I could take another one. Not with a full moon tomorrow night.

I finished my cigarette and went back for my melted ice cream. As I ate it, I pulled out the watch and looked at it closely. Alchemy symbols took the place of numbers and the hands had a moon and star on the tips. I put it in my pocket and pulled the book from the box.

The binding had been redone recently. So recently that I was certain my father had it done before he'd sent it as the spine cracked as I opened the unmarked cover. Inside, the pages were old and yellowed. The engravings on the pages were clearly hand-drawn. The entire book looked like it was written at night under candlelight with a quill and a bottle of ink.

I slowly flipped through the pages. There were places where it was almost impossible to read because the person writing it had been moving his hand so fast. Other places the penmanship was almost perfect. There were drawings of the transformation that made my stomach turn from the remembered pain. Towards the end, it started to look more like a journal. I found an entry that made me stop and read.

_18 October 1759_

_ For the first time, I know what it's like to be caught up in the pull of the moon. The attack I suffered last month has resulted in lasting consequences, for I now know that I carry the lycanthropy disease. This Werewolf Phenomenon is suddenly quite personal. No longer is it a subject of curiosity. My drive to find a cure is now fueled by desperation._

_ The transformation is unbearable. Every bone breaks, every organ ruptures, the blood turns to fire in the body. The mind goes numb with the pain and the wolf, the instinct, the animalistic fury takes over and there is nothing. Not even a memory. I have no idea what happened to me last night. I know that from now on, I will lock myself inside of the cellar to keep the town safe from my fury._

_ If there is a God in Heaven, I pray, guide me to the answers. If there is a cure, I pray I find it before it is too late._

I sighed as I closed the book and held my head in my hands. I decided in that moment to talk to my father, but it would have to wait until after the full moon. There was nothing I could do now, so I put the book back in the box with the letter and carried it back up to my room. I sighed as I laid down on my bed once more and let my body succumb to sleep.

*

**AN: Sorry this chapter's so short. I didn't realize it until getting ready to post it, but I didn't think it needed anything more. Things are going to get pretty exciting for Remus in the next few chapters. Sorry about the absence of Sirius here, but he's in the Dog House, if you know what I mean. ^_^ Don't forget to Review!!!**


	12. Chapter 12

I stood on the sidewalk and looked up at the house in front of me. My father was in that house. The answers to all of my questions were inside. It was a reunion twelve years in the making and I couldn't take that step forward. I couldn't make myself move.

I wanted Sirius with me. I wanted to know that if things went badly in there that I would still have someone out here to hold me and promise me that it was going to be okay. I wished he hadn't done what he had. I wished that I could forgive him easily. I wished for things I couldn't have. I didn't dare wish that I could become human again. If I started wishing for that, would I ever get it?

I sighed and mentally kicked myself. I took a step forward and felt my entire body start to shake with fear and anticipation. What was I going to find on the other side of that door? Had he remarried, like Mom did? Did he have any other children? Did I look like him? I couldn't remember what he looked like because Mom burned all of the pictures.

I reached the door before I was ready and raised my hand to knock. I promptly froze for a heartbeat and then put my hand down. I turned to walk away, but the door opened.

"Remus?" a man asked.

I slowly turned back around. He looked like me. Or I looked like him. We had the same chestnut brown hair and almost the same amount of gray in it. He was tanned, more so that I knew I would ever be, and he had deep lines on his face. "Dad?" I asked in a whisper.

He almost instantly started crying and pulled me into his arms. He hugged me so tightly I almost couldn't breathe. "My boy," he whispered.

I buried my face in his shoulder and hugged him back. I started to cry too because this was what I had wanted or twelve years and never thought I would have. My dad. My father. The person in my life who had left and finally came back.

I don't know how long we stood on the doorway but eventually he led me inside and poured us a cup of tea. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Do you mind?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Only if I can too," I said.

He raised an eyebrow. "You smoke?" he asked.

I nodded. "Mom hates it," I said, pulling the pack from my pocket. "She keeps telling me that it's going to kill me some day but it keeps me calm. It helps when chocolate isn't enough."

He nodded. "I understand that," he said. "I take it you got the package?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yeah," I said. "I got it day before yesterday. We were in Venice or I probably would have been here sooner."

"Do you go on a lot of vacations?" my dad asked.

I shook my head and ashed my cigarette in the glass ashtray on the coffee table in front of us. "No," I said. "Fred took the whole family out there to celebrate the fact that I'm graduating next summer and won't be returning home."

"Graduate?" he asked. "From Hogwarts?"

I nodded. "Yeah, Dumbledore got special permission for me to be a student. My enrollment is conditional and I almost got expelled last spring because of a friend of mine, but I've been there for six years."

"Congratulations," he said. "Now why aren't you going back home after you graduate?"

"Fred won't let me," I said, taking another drag and ashing again. "He says that by Wizard law I'm old enough to be out on my own and he's tired of paying for me to be alive so he's kicking me out on my arse. A friend of mine talked about getting an apartment for us, but I don't know if that's going to work."

"You can come here," my father offered. "If you want."

I gave him a smile. "Thanks, Dad," I said. "I'll think about it."

He nodded and sighed. "I bet you have some questions..."

I barked out a laugh. "That's an understatement," I said.

"Well, give me the first one."

I sighed. "What did you do?" I asked. "Why was I attacked?"

My father sighed heavily. "My gambling," he said softly. "I had such a problem with it. One night, I was betting on the outcome of the Quidditch match being played. I bet on the team Greyback hated. They lost and Greyback demanded payment. I didn't have it. I wasn't expecting them to lose because they'd won every other game they played that season. They were the favored team that night. Greyback, when I didn't have the galleons, promised that he would get his money one way or another. Two months went by and I still didn't have it. He told me that I would live to regret not paying my dues and that full moon you were attacked. The only reason he didn't kill you was because I was right behind you and cursed him. By the time I got to you, the damage had already been done."

"How did he get me?" I asked. I had no memory of the night I was attacked.

"You were under Imperius," my father said softly. "He'd placed you under the spell earlier that day and you had instructions to go to him when the moon rose. Nothing your mother and I did seemed to stop you. We tried locking you in your room, but you climbed out through the window. I realized something was wrong when I heard the growling. Then you screamed and I took off through the front door. Your mother was right behind me, but she couldn't do anything so I sent her back inside. After I got to you, I took you to St. Mungo's. They patched you up and said that you were now a werewolf. There wasn't anything that could be done. I knew it was Greyback. He's notorious for attacking the children of those who offend him."

"I know," I said softly. I pulled a new cigarette from my pack and lit it from the end of the first. Chain smoking...it must be a stressful day.

"What other questions do you have?" my dad asked.

I sighed. "Why didn't you tell us you were leaving?"

He sighed and pulled out a new cigarette for himself as well. "I didn't know how to say it," he said after he'd lit it and exhaled. "I spent weeks trying to figure out how to tell you two that I was leaving and I could never figure out the words. So, after your third transformation, once your mother was accustomed to what needed to be done, I slipped away. I packed my bags, got on the Night Bus, and stayed at the Leaky Cauldron for a few days until I could figure out where to go from there. I got a job working for Tom, found a flat, and moved on with my life."

"So do you have a new family then?" I asked.

He sighed. "I did," he confessed. "I married another witch and we had a daughter. She and I divorced about three years ago. Elissa is ten years old, she'll be eleven just in time to go to Hogwarts this year."

"So I'll be meeting her then," I said softly. "Especially if she ends up in Gryffindor."

"You're in Gryffindor?" my father asked.

I nodded. "I'm a prefect as well," I said. "My best friends are the other boys in my year. They all know that I'm a werewolf and have kept it a secret since they figured it out towards the end of our first year. When we were Third Years they figured out how to become Animagi but didn't perfect it until our fifth year. There are a few Slytherins who give us quite a bit of grief. Most of them are likely candidates for Death Eaters. And as soon as the four of us graduate, we're joining the war effort. Sirius wants to become an Auror but he doesn't have the patience for it. James is well on his way to becoming one though. Lily wants to be an Unspeakable because she's obsessed with the mystery of things. She's the brightest witch in the whole school. It surprises everyone to this day that she's Muggle born. And none of us are quite sure what Peter's going to do. Before last year we were certain he was just going to follow us into war because that's what he's done the last six years— follow us, I mean. He's been a bit distant lately, like something's changed for him. None of us can figure out what it is and he's not talking. It's almost not noticeable, but I pay attention to damn near every detail so I picked up on it fairly quickly."

"No plans for your life outside of war?" he asked.

I shrugged. "There were plans," I said. "I'm not holding my breath anymore though. I'm not exactly sure what's going on with..." How do you tell your father that you're gay when you haven't spoken to him in twelve years?

"With?" he prompted at my hesitation.

I sighed. "With my boyfriend," I said, deciding that he hasn't been a part of my life for twelve years and he can't accept this part of me than he has no reason to be in it in the future.

His eyebrows rose in surprise. "Boyfriend?" he asked. "Are you queer?"

I nodded. "Yeah," I sighed. "The other day he and I got into a pretty nasty row, so I'm not sure where we stand with each other right now. I was really upset with him."

"Well then," he said, clearly not sure how to deal with finding out his son liked blokes. "I hope it gets better for you."

I smiled weakly. "Me too," I said softly. "He's my best friend so losing him now would be pretty unbearable. Especially with my condition."

My father nodded. "I imagine so," he said.

"So, in your letter," I said, changing the subject because he was clearly uncomfortable with it, "you said that you had information that you couldn't write down," I reminded him. "What information is that?"

"Werewolf lore," he said, getting up and going to the bookshelf next to the fireplace. He pulled out a book and brought it over to me. I took it. "That is the generally accepted idea of why werewolves exist. It talks about their creation and the reason the moon is what makes you change. There's even a bit in there about it being the tides, not the moon, but there isn't anything concrete about that idea. Also," he said, going for another book, "this one talks about rare cases where werewolves have ceased transforming. They were never actually cured, if there really is a cure, they simply stopped changing."

I took that book eagerly. If there was, for some reason, no way for me to be cured, I would at least like to stop the transformations.

"And what about this friend of yours with the potion?" I asked.

"Frederick Belby," he said. "He's working on something he's calling the Aconite Potion. Seeing as how the aconite plant has been known to calm werewolves, he's trying to find a way to get it into a potion that won't actually kill anyone."

"He wants to make aconite ingestable?" I asked. "It's poisonous just to touch it!"

"He says that there are more than two-hundred different species of aconite, so he's looking for one that will have the same effect without killing."

I shook my head. "Good luck with that," I mumbled. "There isn't really even an _antidote_ for aconite poisoning. You'd have to find an antidote, mix it with the potion, and pray that getting rid of the poison doesn't stop the effect of aconite on werewolves. A drop of that stuff touches us and we're dead," I said. "I've done my research too."

"I guess that means you don't want to volunteer for testing the potion then?"

I shook my head. "Not a chance in hell," I said. "I can live with the pain and going crazy for a night and having absolutely no idea what I did so long as I'm alive to do it. If that cure really is out there, I'll try it. If there's a way to stop the transformation, I'll try it. But I'm not willingly going to shove aconite down my throat and pray for the best. Find another monster to test it on."

"You're not a monster, Remus," he said. "Whoever made you believe that..."

"You made me believe that," Remus said softly, sipping his cold tea. "When you left."

He hung his head. "I hope you can forgive me for that someday," he said softly.

"I hope so too," I agreed. I sighed. "I should go," I said. "I'm exhausted after yesterday and I didn't get much sleep today."

He nodded. "I'm glad you came," he said.

I nodded. "Me too," I agreed. "Can I take the books?" I asked.

"Keep them," he said. "You need them more than I do."


	13. Chapter 13

I froze as I started to walk up the steps to the front door of my house. Sitting on the porch swing was Sirius, holding his head in his hands and softly crying. I slowly walked up the steps and knelt in front of him, putting the books down on the deck beside me. I placed my hand on his shoulder and he flinched before looking at me. "Please don't leave me," he whispered before he threw his arms around my neck and slid off of the swing. He held me more tightly than he had ever held me before, as if letting go would mean that he couldn't go on. I could smell the alcohol, the cigarettes, the terror and desperation, the need....

I buried my face in the crook of his neck and held him just as tightly. "Never," I whispered, feeling as though my heart was about to explode with the feelings inside of me. I tried to pull away so that I could kiss him but his grip kept me immobile. I kissed his neck because it was the only part of him I could reach. He shivered under the touch and let out a shaking breath.

"I have news," I told him softly. "There could be a cure out there for me."

Sirius pulled away from me so quickly I thought he was going to fall. I kept my arms around him as he met my eyes. "A cure?" he whispered. "What is it?" he asked. "When can you take it? How do we get it for you?"

I sighed. "It isn't something I can take, it's something I have to do," I said, thinking back to the book by Lycan. I'd read most of it yesterday while waiting for the full moon to arrive. "I have to kill the person who made me what I am," I said softly. "And there's no guarantee that it will work because there's no way of knowing for certain that I have never tasted human flesh or blood. There's also a man working on a potion that will make a transformation bearable. He's working on making it so that werewolves everywhere can keep their minds on the full moon."

"Merlin," Sirius whispered. "Really?"

I nodded. "Really," I said with a smile. "I got a package from my father for my birthday. I...I saw him for the first time in twelve years today," I said.

Sirius hugged me tightly again. "Merlin, Remus, I chose a shitty time to fuck up, didn't I?" he asked.

I chuckled and held him close. "You're forgiven," I said. "Just don't let it happen ever again."

"I won't," Sirius whispered in my ear.

I leaned back and brushed the hair away from his face. For a moment that last for an eternity, I simply stared into his cool blue eyes. Then I kissed him. For the first time in too long, I was able to hold him again, kiss him again.... I never wanted to fight with him again. I never want him to have to tell me he's fucked up like that again.

"Holy shit!"

Sirius and I jerked apart from each other. I turned to the door and saw Russel standing there, staring at us in shock. "MOM!" he shouted, looking to the door.

Our mother was there in an instant. "What the blazes is the shouting about?" she demanded. She saw Sirius and I kneeling on the patio and Russel staring at us. "Oh," she said. "Russ, your brother likes blokes, not girls. Perfectly natural. Go play."

"But—"

"I said go play," our mother said again, a little more sternly than before. "I mean it. Your brother's an adult now in his world that means he gets to kiss whoever he damn well pleases. Be happy he's found himself someone worth kissing, it's not easy for someone with his condition."

"Condition?" Sirius asked softly.

"Play along," I whispered. "You're not supposed to know, remember?"

He nodded. "Right," he said.

Russel stared at us a little longer. "But...it's gross," he said. "Blokes don't kiss each other."

"I'd rather you both turn out to like blokes," she said, surprising me. "Means I won't be a grandmother any time soon. Now get going." She turned and looked at us. "Nice to see you two have made up," she said. "Sirius, you're welcome to stay for dinner tonight. I expect it's quite the journey back to London."

"Actually, I'm living in London anymore," Sirius said. "I live in Godric's Hallow."

"Who's what?" my mother asked.

"It's a wizard town, mum," I said, getting to my feet. I held out my hand for Sirius as Russel finally ran off to play with his friends. "Up north a bit."

"Oh. Well then, I expect it's a long journey wherever you'll be going. Might as well stay for a bite."

Sirius nodded. "Thank you, Ms. Johnson," he said, remembering my mother's married name. He got points for that one in her book. She hated being called Mrs. Lupin. She tolerated it from Hogwarts only because she didn't have the heart to make me go in and have them change it and she didn't understand how an owl could deliver a message.

She nodded. "Come inside," she said. Sirius started walking into the house as I picked up the books my father had given me. As I walked passed her, my mother grabbed my arm. "How is he?" she asked softly.

I sighed. "He's good," I said. "He remarried about a year after he left us and was divorced again about three years ago. I have a sister who will be going to Hogwarts next year."

"He married a witch then?" she asked. I nodded. "Well, good for him."

"He says he's sorry, Mum," I told her. "He didn't know how to tell us that he needed to leave because he felt so guilty so he just left. He said he never wanted to hurt us and he's stopped gambling."

She smiled. "Well, good of him then," she said. "Pity he couldn't have stopped when I told him to."

I nodded and walked passed her. I had a feeling that tonight my mother would be up late crying. She often cried over my father. It was something Fred always hated, the fact that my mother still loved my father. It was one of his many reasons for hating me.

Sirius chuckled as I joined him in the living room. "What?" I asked.

"I've been to your place half a dozen times in the last six years, but this is the first time I've _ever_ been inside," he said with a smile.

I chuckled too. "I think you finally racked up enough brownie points with my mother to earn the invite," I said. "Besides, this is pretty much the bring the boyfriend over dinner. She knows, clearly."

Sirius chuckled again. "Clearly," he said.

"And most of the times you've come over, you've shown up as a dog," I reminded him. "We have no pets around here so bringing you in...."

Sirius nodded. "True," he said. "So, do I get a tour?"

I smiled and stood. "Sure," I said, holding my hand out for him. "Come on."

I showed him the kitchen, dining room, bathroom, den, and back yard, which Sirius had seen before. I managed to avoid taking him upstairs.

"So where is your room?" he asked suggestively.

I raised an eyebrow. "My room?" I asked. "It's upstairs."

"Do I get to see it?" he asked.

I smiled. "Why do you want to see my bedroom?" I asked.

"To see what you're like when you're not at Hogwarts," he answered smoothly.

I chuckled. "Keep in mind that my bedroom is right next to my parents and across the hall from Russel's," I said. "There's no fun to be had in there."

"Did I say anything about that?" he asked.

"You implied it," I said, taking him back into the house and up the stairs. My mother was in the living room as we passed.

"Remus!" she called. I turned around and looked in the den. "No sex up there," she said sternly.

I blushed. "Mum!" I cried. Behind me, Sirius laughed.

"I mean it, Remus," she said. "You have the shack if you're in the mood."

I blushed redder because she didn't know that we'd already used the shack for such a purpose. I glared at her and shook my head before making my way back to the staircase. I led Sirius up there in time to see Fred walking out of the upstairs bathroom. He stared at us for a moment. "Who is this?" he asked.

"Sirius," I answered, letting go of his hand. "A friend from school."

Fred nodded and walked back to the room he and my mother shared. I sighed and started walking again. It wasn't until my bedroom door was shut that Sirius asked the question.

"I take it that's your stepfather?" he asked.

I nodded. "That would be him," I said.

"And he doesn't know you're gay?"

I bitterly chuckled. "He'd beat me within an inch of my life if he found out before I moved out," I said. "Even then I'm not sure he wouldn't try if I ever came around afterward. I'm not planning on telling him and hopefully Russ doesn't either."

Sirius nodded and looked around the room. Most of what I'd had put up had been taken down over my years at Hogwarts.

"It's pretty plain in here," Sirius said, sitting down on my bed.

I nodded and sat in the chair at my desk. "I've been taking things down and packing them up over the years," I said. "Most of what's important is actually out in the shack because my parents never go out there. That's where all of my Wizarding paraphernalia is anyway. The first time Fred saw a photograph that moved he nearly shat himself."

Sirius laughed. "I suppose that would be weird for Muggles to see," he said. "Of course, for us it's weird when they _don't_ move."

I nodded. "Yep," I said. "And I don't have anything from Hogwarts in here except for my books and robes because of Fred. The first time I tried to put anything up, he took it all down and chucked it. He said just because I was different didn't mean I needed to broadcast it. Besides, my friends out here are Muggles."

"You have friends who aren't us?" Sirius asked, playfully shocked and hurt.

I smiled. "Two," I said. "Aislynn and Amy. They live just a few houses down. The _love_ that I'm gay," I said with a chuckle. "They make sure that their boyfriends are good enough for them by making me meet them if I'm around."

Sirius smiled. "Does this mean that I have to meet them?" he asked.

I chuckled. "Probably," I said. "If all of their boyfriends have to pass the Remus Test, I'm sure you must pass theirs."

"The Remus Test?" Sirius asked with a laugh. "What is this Remus Test?"

"A series of questions followed by a written report with the answer given in three to five business days," I answered, trying to school myself into seriousness and failing.

Sirius gaped at me. "Are you bloody serious?" he asked.

I chuckled. "That would be you, not me," I replied.

He laughed, like he did every time that joke was thrown into the conversation. I let myself drown in the sound. There was no better sound in the world than his laugh.

"So why are you so far away?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Because if I'm any closer to you, I'll want to kiss you and if I start doing that we're going to have to go down to the shack because I'm not going to want to stop," I said.

"And here I thought I had cooties or something," he said with a smirk. "Shall we go to the shack then?" he asked. "I kind of like that idea of yours."

I glanced at the clock on my nightstand. "Dinner will be at five," I said thoughtfully. "We don't have time."

Sirius glanced at the clock. It read 4:05. He looked back at me. "We don't have the time?" he asked with an eyebrow raised. "Do you expect me to run a marathon or something? We've done plenty in less time than that."

I smiled. "I expect you to be your usual self as always," I said. "And I don't want rush today." Not today. Not after this fight. I want us to take it slow. I want to feel that he really does love me because I'm still doubtful here. There will be no rushing.

He smiled. "I promise I'll stay out of your pants if you come sit with me," he said softly.

I smiled and went to set the alarm for fifteen minutes before dinner. I didn't feel like taking the chance of Fred or Russel walking in and finding us in a compromising position, like Russel had earlier.

I sat down with Sirius and curled up against him. "Better?" I asked.

He wrapped his arms around me. "Much," he said softly.

*

**AN: For those of you who think Remus has forgiven Sirius a little too easily, he actually hasn't quite forgiven him yet. Remus always overthinks things so this will come up again. Don't forget to review!**


	14. Chapter 14

I opened my eyes to the sound of my alarm going off and reached over to hit it only to find that there was someone else in my bed. I sat up, slightly confused for a moment before I remembered. Sirius and I had fallen asleep. I yawned as he sat up and I finally turned off the alarm. Sirius rubbed his face. "Wow," he mumbled, shaking his head a little. He smiled at me. "Sleep well?" he asked.

I nodded. "For the first time in weeks, yes," I said, resting my forehead against his shoulder. "We should go downstairs."

Sirius sighed and kissed the top of my head. "If you say so," he said. "I wouldn't mind staying up here."

I chuckled tiredly. "Neither would I, but my parents will get suspicious and if Fred mentions something Russel will talk about what he saw earlier. I would really love to not open that can of worms if I can help it."

"Am I going to have to leave after dinner?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Probably," I said. "Just go down to the shack and I'll meet you out there if I don't just go out there with you."

He nodded. "Sounds good," he said. "How are you, by the way?" he asked. "The full moon was last night."

"I hurt," I said truthfully, though I honestly hadn't felt much pain since he showed up. "The gashes itch a bit, and they still sting. I've actually got to change the bandages before dinner."

"Do you need help?"

I sighed. "Yes, but I should ask my mother," I said. "You don't know, after all."

"Is it such a bad thing if I know?" Sirius asked. "Besides, can you honestly expect your mother to believe that I don't know what's going on when I'm your boyfriend?"

I shrugged. "I can try," I said. "And no, it's not bad that you know, but she won't understand why you know. Like she said earlier, it isn't easy for people with my condition to find someone to be with.

A knock on the door made me scoot away from Sirius. "Yeah?" I asked.

My mother opened the door. "Remus, we have to change your...err...."

"Mum, he knows," I sighed.

Her eyes widened. "What?" she hissed, walking into the room and shutting the door. "Remus, you were specifically told by the Headmaster that if anyone learned of your condition you would be forced to leave the school!"

I let out a bitter chuckle. "Yeah, well, Sirius, James, and Pete all know and I wasn't kicked out of the school for what Sirius did last March," I said. "And by the look on your face, you weren't even informed," I slowly added, feeling dread fill me up.

"Clearly," she said, looking angry. "Remus John Lupin, you had best tell me what happened."

She used all three names. I am in trouble.

Sirius jumped in. "It was my fault, entirely," he said. "That's why Remus is still at Hogwarts. I was jealous of someone in our year and nearly got him killed with a...prank, I guess," he muttered, knowing that _prank_ wasn't the right word. "Dumbledore said that so long as the general population, aside from the other teachers of course, didn't know about Remus' condition that he would be allowed to stay. All involved parties agreed."

My mother gave Sirius that look that made Russel and I shake with fear. "What did you do?" she asked in a very demanding, cold, and clear voice.

I heard Sirius gulp. "I lured the guy Remus told me he fancied to the Willow where he nearly got his head taken off by the tree," he answered before he looked at me, frightened of what she would do. The question was written on his face and he was smart enough not to ask it. _Is she always this scary?_

"Remus?" my mother said. I looked from Sirius to her. The look on her face was not happy.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"What the hell are you thinking?" she demanded in a harsh whisper. "He could have _killed_ someone!"

I nodded. "I know, Mum," I said. "Trust me, I know that better than anyone else who was involved. We've taken care of what happened and there will be no repeats. In fact, Sirius is going to leave the other guy alone, right?" I asked, looking at Sirius. Automatically, he nodded. "See?" I asked, looking back at my mother. "Clearly the situation wasn't grave enough that you needed to be informed of what happened, so it's okay. No one was killed, suspended, or expelled. Sirius had four months worth of detention—"

"And that's enough?" my mother demanded.

I met her eyes. "They made him watch the movies, Mum," I said.

She paled. "Good Lord," she whispered. She looked back at Sirius. "I hope you learned your lesson," she said softly.

Sirius nodded. "I did," he said.

She nodded. "Good. Help him with his bandages then, will you?" she asked. "I've got dinner to finish."

Sirius nodded. I stood to follow my mother out and hugged her as I passed. "What's that for?" she asked.

I shrugged."Everything," I said. She smiled and walked down the stairs while I went to the bathroom for the gauze, ointment, and a washcloth that I got wet before returning to my room. I put the stuff down on the desk and closed the door before I pulled my shirt up over my head.

"Son of a bitch!" Sirius cried when he saw the damage. It was always worse when I was alone.

He stood up and slowly walked up to me. Gently, he unwrapped the gauze from my ribs and arms before putting wrappings into the rubbish bin next to my desk. He looked over every scrape, gash, and gnawed part of my body before looking at me with tears in his eyes. "If that guy never figures out the potion that will stop you from doing this to yourself, I will," he promised before he kissed me and started cleaning the wounds.

*

Dinner went without a hitch. Russel didn't mention what he saw in front of Fred, for which I thanked him when Fred retreated back upstairs. His days off were almost always spent sleeping because he worked eighteen hours every shift. Russel nodded and helped our mother with the dishes. She gave me a knowing look and said that it was time for Sirius to go. I nodded and told her that I was going down to the shack. She gave me that knowing look again and whispered a thanks for following the rules as I passed her on my way to the back door. I nodded and we kept walking. Sirius didn't even hear her.

Once in the shack, I spelled the area to let us know if a member of my family was coming to investigate and a silencing charm so that no one outside of the shack would hear what was going on inside. Sirius and I could be pretty vocal and I didn't want to take the chance that this would be one of those times.

"Are you sure you're up for this?" Sirius asked.

I nodded and wrapped my arms around his waist. I rest my forehead on his shoulder. "I need you," I said softly. "After our fight, I need to know that you still love me."

"You know I do," he said softly, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. "Please tell me that you know I do."

I nodded. "I know," I said softly. "But I haven't _felt_ it in the last few weeks. I need that. I don't care how injured I am, I can deal with that. I can't deal with feeling like this anymore."

"Is that why you want to take it slow?" he asked.

I nodded again. "Yes," I said.

He reached up and turned my face to his before we kissed. After a moment, he waved his wand at the foam pad on the ground and transfigured it into an actual bed. I sat down on it and he knelt in front of me. He reached up and cupped my cheek in his hand. His eyes shown with an inner light and made me think of the star he shares his name with. "I love you," he whispered.

I smiled. "I love you too," I said.

He stood and straddled my legs, careful of the gash on my hip, and we kissed. He tasted of cigarettes, the beer we drank with dinner, and all things Sirius. I could smell the desire and lust coming off of him in waves and it only reinforced my own. I'd heard that two werewolves together was like nothing anyone could imagine because every feeling was reinforced one hundred fold simply by smell. Fortunately for me, Sirius didn't have to have a heightened sense of smell to notice my lust and desire. Every time I touched him, he became more aroused and and every time we kissed he wanted more.

I pulled his shirt up over his head and kissed every bit of skin I could find. He gently took mine and tossed it aside before doing the same to me.

As he kissed me, his hand traveled to my waist and I felt him unbuckle and unzip my pants. His hand stroked and pulled just enough, squeezed just enough, that I had to fight very hard to stay grounded in some way.

He smirked at me before he lowered his head and I cried out as he took me in his mouth. In that moment, I was undone. He brought me to a climax and then started kissing his way back up. He lightly nibbled on my ear. "My turn," he whispered. "Ready?" he asked.

I nodded and he took off his pants. I kicked mine off the rest of the way and tossed them to the floor. At some point, we'd been smart enough to take our shoes and socks off, but I don't remember doing it.

I winced, pulling a healing something as I tried to get the right angle for him. After the third try, Sirius sat up and kissed my cheek. "Don't hurt yourself," he said softly.

I gave him a weak smile. "Then I'm not going to be able to repay the favor," I said softly.

He smirked. "Then enough with the foreplay," he said softly.

We often took turns being top and bottom. I'd never admit it out loud, but I loved being the one on bottom. Sirius, I knew, preferred topping but liked receiving once in a while too. I didn't have the energy to pitch tonight and the look in Sirius' eyes said he really wanted to. I was okay with that. More than okay with it actually.

"Tell me if you need to stop," he said as he knelt behind me.

"I will," I lied. I would probably have a few wounds reopened by the time we were finished, but at that moment, I didn't give a damn.

He slowly pushed into me. My breath caught in my throat because it had been a month since I was last on the bottom and I'm a werewolf which means I heal a hell of a lot faster than the average human. Unless we do this on a regular basis, it hurts like the first time all over again. Sirius, as many other woman can personally attest to, is not a small man.

I swore when I felt him all of the way inside of me. He leaned over and kissed me between my shoulder blades and whispered an apology.

"I guess we should have gone this route last time," he said as he started to pull back again.

I let out a breathless laugh. "You didn't want to," I replied as he pushed back in. I cried out, in pleasure this time and moved against him, earning a moan. The rhythm sped up as we moved against each other. I was right when I figured we'd be pretty vocal tonight.

Unfortunately I was also right when I thought I'd reopen something. The gash on my hip reopened and I smelled the blood dripping down my leg by the time we climaxed together. I felt dizzy and lightheaded as I lay down on the transfigured bed Sirius rolled me over to kiss me and froze. He swore loudly and jumped off of the bed to dig through his clothes for his wand.

"What?" I asked, propping myself up on my elbows to look at him. I glanced down my body because I realized that my hip actually didn't hurt anymore.

Call me crazy, but the sight of blood always makes me nauseous. My own especially. It makes being a werewolf rather difficult, especially when your three best friends are always getting cuts from some stupid stunt they've decided to pull.

I felt the nausea roll over me in waves and laid back down. "Shit," I groaned.

Sirius put the butt can next to the side of the bed, knowing my weakness, and waved his wand over my hip, muttering a few charms to stop the bleeding and clean it up.

"Do you have the gauze and stuff out here?" he asked.

"Extras are in the drawer by the door," I said, holding my hands over my face. "Don't let me look again until it's covered."

"I won't," Sirius replied. "You should have told me it reopened."

"I didn't think it was a big deal," I muttered. "I still don't think it is."

"You don't get nauseous anymore unless it's bad, Remus," he said truthfully. "You've gotten used to it."

"I know," I said. The words were muffled by my hands. I swallowed the bile trying to force its way out of my body as another wave of nausea washed over me. I heard Sirius find the ointment and gauze and come back. He re-bandaged the wound and then did two others I hadn't noticed. Maybe it really was worse than I thought.

I heard him get dressed after he finished and then he helped me get back into my clothes. Funny thing about hip wounds...you really can't bend over.

With another wave of his wand, Sirius cleaned up the blood that had gotten everywhere and I laid back down. "I'm sorry," I said.

He crawled up next to me and wrapped his body around mine. "Don't ever do that again," he said softly. I could hear the tears in his voice.

"I guess this means we can't do this so soon after the full moon," I sighed.

"Nope," he agreed.

Again I felt nauseous, but this time it was like it slammed into my stomach. "Sirius," I said.

"Hmm?"

"Move," I said, sitting up. "Now!" I cried before he quickly moved away from me. I rushed to the door and made it outside before I emptied the contents of my stomach onto the ground to the side of the shack. A moment later, Sirius was there with a cold hand on the back of my neck.

"I told you it was bad," he said softly.

*

**AN: I thought it would be interesting to see what would happen if Remus was slightly h****emaphob****ic.**

**So ANYWAY, there's quite a bit going on, clearly, and it's hopefully going to keep getting interesting. I'm trying to keep this as cannon as possible, but, of course, I'm taking liberties. As much as I'd like to believe it was true, we all know this didn't really happen. :'( **

**And, on a final note, if there's anything you guys would like to see happen, go ahead and let me know. I have the general plot planned out for the rest of the story but I'm always up for adding in new twists and turns, so don't forget to review! REVIEW!!! You know you want to. ^_^**


	15. Chapter 15

We stayed in the shack that night, sleeping in the same bed for a whole night for the first time ever. Waking up the next morning, wrapped up in his arms, I never wanted that moment to end. The sun filtered through the window, much like it had that day in the Shrieking Shack. Sirius' steady heartbeat and slow breathing started to lull me back to sleep. I closed my eyes, perfectly content and happy for the first time in a while.

And then, in that eternally peaceful moment, her name came back to me. _Tosh. _Natasha Enfold, a fellow Gryffindor one year older than us. For the most part, she had been the stereotypical blond; falsely stupid, lustful, and obnoxiously cheerful. Sirius had gone after her simply because _everyone_ had gone after her and no one had actually managed to seduce her. He was the first to succeed and did so very early last year. He made no secret of it to James, Peter, and I, but he didn't tell anyone else.

I sighed as I sat up. This fight...it wasn't even close to over.

Sirius rolled over and I felt his hand on my back. "Morning," he said tiredly.

"Morning," I sighed, wishing that I hadn't thought about Enfold. I got up and wondered over to the table where Sirius had left the gauze and ointment the night before. I started unwrapping my bandages, pleased to see all of the minor wounds were now fully healed and some of the moderate ones would be in another day. The worst ones, like the one on my hip, would take another two or three days. Our natural healing was what kept most healing spells from working on us. That and any wound inflicted by a werewolf was technically a cursed wound. The only reason Sirius was able to heal himself from the injuries he got during my transformations was because he suffered them in animal form. Changing forms meant the curse was lost.

Sirius joined me at the table and bandaged what I couldn't reach without saying a word. He kissed my shoulder and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his chin on the same shoulder. "I love you," he said softly.

I closed my eyes because the words felt like a knife through my heart. "I love you too," I whispered.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

I shook my head. "Nothing," I lied, forcing a smile as I turned and kissed his forehead. "Everything's fine."

Sirius gave me a look. "You're a bad lair, Remus," he said. "Is it..." he looked down at the floor. "Is it what I did?" he asked.

I walked back to the bed and sat down. I nodded.

Sirius walked up to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, holding me close. Once more, I could hear his heartbeat, this time it was faster. He was anxious. He anticipated a fight and was trying to brace himself for it. "What can I do to prove to you that it will never happen again?" he asked. His voice reverberated in his chest and was louder to me than what it really was.

"I don't know," I sighed.

"I solemnly swear that I will love only you forever," he whispered before he kissed the top of my head. "I swear that I will never kiss, hug, or have sex with another person so long as you are mine. I solemnly swear that I am yours and yours alone for as long as you will have me."

I wrapped my arms around his waist. "I know you do," I said softly. "I'm just going to need a little bit of time before I can get over this. You did exactly what I thought you were going to do after promising me that you wouldn't. I told you that I didn't want to be just another person in the long line of them. You told me that I was just another notch. It hurts so much, Sirius," I whispered, clenching my eyes shut and burying my face in his chest. "I can't lose you, I can't.... How do I keep you?" I whispered, feeling tears fall.

Sirius' arms tightened around me as he folded his body over mine, cradling me in his embrace. "Just don't let me go," he said softly. "And when it gets hard for me and I want to run away, chase me down and make me stay because I want to stay. I don't want to leave you. I don't want to do anything that will make you leave me. Hold on tight, please," he whispered. "Never let me go."

I nodded. "I'll do my best," I whispered.

*

Hogwarts. For the last time, I stepped off of the train at the Hogsmeade station and looked off in the distance at the school. I could hear Hagrid calling for First Years and smiled at the familiarity. Sirius reached for my hand and gave me a smile. We walked up to the horseless carriages. I could smell the animals there and knew that they were pulled by Thestrals, but I didn't see them. I was glad I couldn't.

It was during the Sorting Ceremony that I saw my sister for the first time. Elissa Lupin looked a lot like I had when I was her age. She and I both looked more like our father than our mothers. She looked confident and when she was Sorted into Gryffindor, she skipped on her way to our table.

James leaned over. "Lupin?" he asked.

I nodded. "She's my half sister," I said.

"I thought you had a younger _brother,_" James said, a look of confusion on his face. "Since when do you have a sister too?"

"Clearly I've had a younger sister for eleven years," I said with a smirk. "She's my father's daughter from his second marriage. I met up with him for the first time in twelve years just after we got back from Italy."

James' eyes widened. "Holy Merlin," he said. He looked at Sirius. "You couldn't have mentioned that at some point?" he asked.

Sirius shrugged. "I didn't think it was my place to spill the beans," he said. "It's Remus' life."

Lily smiled as she looked at us. "Sirius, _you_ are Remus' life," she said.

I smiled. "That's the god's honest truth," I muttered as I looked back up at the headmaster. He finished his speech about growing dark forces in the country and the importance of banding together and putting aside our differences. He said that every day Lord Voldemort's power grew stronger and we were the ones who were going to fight in this war. I looked at Sirius. We were the ones who were going to fight in this war. There wasn't a seventh year student in the entire school who didn't want to rush into battle to defend their beliefs. Most, I knew, would be married within the year.

I looked at James and Lily. Would they be one of the many couples who elope? Would we all survive this war? The thought of even one of the five of us not being there to celebrate when Voldemort was finally taken out was sobering and made me wish for our survival.

James and Lily had Head Student duties to attend to so the other prefects and I led the first year students up to the tower. I gave them all the password and opened the door.

"Oy! Lupin!" someone called.

I turned and saw the sixth year prefect, Lorena Owens, looking at me and holding up a book. "You dropped this," she said.

I recognized the book and quickly rushed to her.

"What is that anyway?" she asked.

I shook my head. "Nothing," I said. I started to turn away and saw Elissa looking at me oddly.

"Can I help you?" I asked. "Are you lost?"

She quickly shook her head. "No, I'm not lost," she said. "Is your last name Lupin?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yeah," I said. "My father told me about you."

"Are you _Remus?_" she asked with a wide smile. "Father always talked about you but he said it wasn't likely that I'd ever get to meet you."

I was stunned. "He told you about me?" I asked.

She nodded enthusiastically. "All the time," she said. "I haven't seen him since he and my mum divorced though. I miss him."

I gave her a smile. "He misses you too," I told her, remembering the look on my father's face as he told me about my younger sister. "Get to bed," I said. "We'll talk tomorrow, I promise."

She grinned and ran off to her dormitory. I slowly walked up the staircase to mine and noticed Peter had already turned in.

"Wotcher, Pete," I said as I went to my trunk to put the book away.

"Hey," he said. He sounded depressed.

"You alright?" I asked, looking over at him.

"Fine," he sighed. "I just have a lot on my mind."

"Anything you want to talk about?" I asked.

He shook his head. "Not really," he said.

"If you need me..."

"I know."

*

Days turned into weeks. Weeks became months. Fall turned into winter which melted into spring and suddenly we were days away from graduating and leaving Hogwarts behind forever. I knew everything was going to change. I knew that when we left these grounds for the last time, there would be no more moonlit runs through the forest as four very odd animals moved as a pack. I knew that there would be no more late-night conversations by candlelight as we planned our next great scheme. I knew that Peter was going to be distant because he wasn't going to work in the same fields we were. He wanted to be a background player in the war. He wanted to research things we needed to do and analyze information. James and Sirius wanted to catch as many Death Eaters as they could. Lily wanted to find the way to stop Voldemort once and for all. I just didn't want to lose them. Any of them.

The night before graduation, James stood up and announced to the entire common room that he had just asked Lily to marry him and she accepted. Cheers sounded that could have been window shattering had there been just a few more of us. Sirius and I snuck out to the Three Broomsticks and bought enough Butterbeer for everyone to enjoy and then headed to the Hog's Head for some after-party alcohol. When we got back, Sirius took the alcohol to the dormitory and I passed out the Butterbeers.

Elissa walked up and took a Butterbeer from me. "Are you going to be the best man?" she asked.

I shook my head. "Nope," I said. "That'll be Sirius. He and James are like brothers. Anyone else stepping in and doing it would just be weird."

"That's too bad," Elissa said. "Are you going to be the bride's man then?" she asked.

I stared at her. "The what?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know," she said. "You know, instead of a maid of honor or something. There's the best man for the groom, so why not the bride's man?"

I laughed. "I don't think so," I said. "I'll probably be standing in James' line with Peter and Sirius."

"Oh," she said. "Can I come?" she asked.

I was stunned by her question. "You would have to talk to your mother," I said slowly. "Why do you want to go to the wedding?"

"I've never been to a wedding before," she said. "And Lily helped me out on lots of stuff this year. I really like her a lot."

I smiled. "I'll make sure you get an invitation," I said as Sirius walked up to the two of us.

"Hello, Moonette," he said.

Elissa looked up at him. "Why do you always call me that?" she asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" Sirius asked. "Your brother here is Moony, so you get to be Moonette."

She looked to me. "Why does he call you Moony?" she asked.

I smirked. "It was a name he gave me after a fairly devious prank in our second year," I said, easily producing the lie we had all agreed on for such questions. "Sirius here dared me to moon one of the professors and the name stuck."

"Which one?" she demanded.

"The Defense professor that year," I said with a chuckle.

"And I have to be named after _that?_" she demanded.

Sirius and I laughed. "Maybe when you're older I'll tell you the other half of the story," I said as I looked outside. The full moon was two days away. I looked at Sirius. "I'll be right back," I said. "I'm going up to the dormitory for a smoke."

"Just bring them down here and we'll open up one of the common room windows," he said, holding my hand to make me stay here.

I leaned in close. "Sirius, it's two days to the full moon and I need a break from the people," I said. "There's too much going on, it's making me edgy."

"You okay?" he asked, his light blue eyes taking on a dark hue of worry.

I nodded. "Fine," I said, kissing him on the cheek. "Love you."

"Love you too," Sirius said as I started to walk away. He held my hand until I was too far for him to keep a hold of it. Before he let me go, he gave my hand a squeeze and turned back to my sister.

"Are you going to marry my brother?" she asked.

I stopped on the staircase and turned to see Sirius smirk. "Maybe some day," he with a glance and a wink at me. I smiled and continued up the stairs. Wouldn't it be nice if we could? If wishes were hippogriffs....

I shut the dormitory door behind me and walked over to the window between my bed and Sirius'. I sat down and leaned my head against the stones behind me and closed my eyes, enjoying the lack of humming energy and the smells of the people in the common room. That many people feeling those many emotions were always rough on me. If it were any other day, I could probably handle it.

I lit my cigarette and slowly let the smoke out as I watched the stars in the sky. The moon drifted in and out through wispy clouds and a shooting star made me smile. I sent my silent wish out to the universe as the dormitory door opened. I looked and was surprised to see Elissa standing there.

"Can I come in?" she asked, holding a Butterbeer in in one hand.

I nodded and moved my leg so she could sit down across from me. "What's up?" I asked.

"Why do you get sick so much?" she asked. After a year of noticing the way I got sick once a month and had to be taken to the hospital wing with no visitors, I was surprised she hadn't asked before hand. "Is there something wrong with you that they can't fix?" she asked.

I sighed. "Yeah," I said. "I have a disease that has no cure," I told her. "I was diagnosed with it when I was five, that's why dad left my mum and I. He felt it was his fault and he didn't know how to deal with it."

"What is it?" she asked.

I sighed. "Lycanthropy," I said softly.

Her eyes widened. She clearly knew what the word meant. "You mean you're a werewolf?" she whispered.

I nodded and took a drag from the cigarette in my hand. "It's why they call me Moony," I told her. "That little story I told you downstairs is a cover. You have to promise me that you're not going to tell anyone," I said. "Even after I leave here. If it gets out, I could be in very serious trouble."

"What would happen to you?" she asked.

I sighed, flicked away the ashes of my fag, and took another drag. "The Ministry could send Aurors after me, take me in and tag me, and then monitor everything I did to make sure that I'm not a threat to anyone. If they decide that I am the slightest threat, they could bring me in and have me put down, for lack of a better term."

"Put down?" she asked. "You mean the Ministry would kill you?"

"If I proved to be a danger to anyone, yes," I said. "The law isn't nice to those of us who are different."

"I'm really happy I got to meet you this year," Elissa said with a smile. She took a sip of her Butterbeer. "Dad has a picture of you as a baby on his desk. Your mum's in it too. He told me that the picture was taken when you were about two years old."

I smiled. "That's an old picture," I said.

She shrugged. "I always knew that you were my brother and that I probably wasn't going to meet you. I'm really glad that they let you come to Hogwarts."

I smiled. "I am too," I said. I took one last drag from my cigarette before I flicked it through the window.

"Oi, Moonette!"

Elissa and I both looked to see Sirius standing in the doorway. "What?" Elissa asked.

"You, party," Sirius said, shaking his head towards the staircase. "I gotta talk to Remus."

"You talk to him _all_ the time!" Elissa cried. "He's my brother you know." She put out her bottom lip in one of the best pouts I've ever seen. I couldn't help but laugh, which didn't help her image at all. A point she proved by glaring at me.

"Holy shit," Sirius said. The two of us looked at him. "You two are too identical for my liking," he said. "That's a Moony glare that is. Anyway, all underage witches and wizards please exit the dormitory," he said, raising an eyebrow at Elissa.

"You're not a prefect," she said. "I don't have to listen to you."

Sirius' jaw dropped. "You little Lupin!" he cried. "Bloody hell, you really are just like Remus. Anyway, _please_ will you go downstairs and back to the party?" he asked. "I've really got to talk with your brother and its not a conversation for young ones to hear. You have almost as good hearing as your brother, so go. Please don't make me ask you again."

"Elissa," I said, making her look at me. "Go on downstairs, will you?" I asked. "I promise we'll chat again before we go back to London."

"Promise?" she asked.

I nodded. She stood up and I caught her wrist. "Remember what I told you," I said. "No one can know."

She nodded. "Your secret's safe with me," she promised before leaving the dormitory.

Sirius closed the door behind her and walked over to the window sill to sit down. He reached for my cigarettes and took one out.

"So what's up?" I asked as he lit it.

"Full moon," Sirius said. "Dumbledore just sent a note in that says you can stay the extra day and use the Shrieking Shack."

"Oh," I said, slightly surprised. "Why didn't he send it to me?"

"He did," Sirius said with a chuckle as he handed me the note. "I was the one who offered to take it up to you when McGonagall showed up. Anyway, I figured you'd want to know about it as soon as possible. I don't know where we're going after graduation...."

I sighed. "My father told me that if I needed to I could stay with him for a while," I said softly. "That doesn't help us with you though."

Sirius shrugged. "I can stay with the Potters until James and Lil get married. After that, I don't know what's going to happen."

"I'd like to avoid that kind of separation if at all possible," I said.

"I do have that money from my uncle," he said with a slight shrug. "We can try to get a small house in Hogsmeade. That way you're still close to the Shack for the full moons."

"That's actually a really good idea," I said. "We can go look tomorrow before graduation."

Sirius sighed heavily and nodded. "Yeah," he said.

"It would be easier if I could get a job..."

"Stop talking like that," Sirius said. "I've told you a hundred times already. I _want_ to take care of you. And I have the ability to do it."

"I know," I sighed. "I just feel like I should contribute _something._"

"You can always be the little housewife," Sirius said with a smirk. "That's contributing."

I laughed. "Can you _honestly_ see me in an apron washing dishes and cooking all day?" I asked.

Sirius chuckled and leaned in for a kiss. "Maybe if the apron is the _only_ thing you're wearing," he said before his lips touched mine.

I pulled away slightly. "Pig," I whispered before kissing him again. I swallowed his laugh.


	16. Chapter 16

The wedding was in August and was held on the grounds of Hogwarts. During the reception, Dumbledore walked up to the five of us. "Will you all please follow me?" he asked.

Curious, we followed without question. He led us away from the party and held out a piece of paper. "You all wish to join the fight against Voldemort, yes?" he asked.

The five of us nodded. Thus far, we'd been left to fend for ourselves. We were eager to join the fight but we couldn't figure a way to get into it without waiting an extra three years for Auror training.

"I am the leader of an organization called the Order of the Phoenix," he said. "It's a secret society that is at the forefront of the fight against Voldemort. The five of you have proved your worthiness to be a part of the Order time and time again. I am extending you an official invitation."

"Wow," Sirius said, taking the paper. It was blank. He flipped it over and we all saw it was blank on that side as well. He looked back up at Dumbledore. "There's nothing here," he said.

Dumbledore smiled. "There will be when the time comes," he said. "That paper will give you all of the information that you need to attend your first meeting. I want you to promise me that it will be burned when each of you have read what it says."

We all nodded. Dumbledore smiled. "Very good," he said. "James, Lily, congratulations. It's been a very beautiful ceremony. I have to attend to business so I'll see you at the appointed time and place."

We all nodded and watched as the aging headmaster walked back to the castle.

"Wow," James said, reaching for the paper. He looked at both sides closely before handing it to me. "You should hold on to it," he said. "You're the most organized at this point."

I chuckled and put the paper into the pocket of my slacks. "Let's get back to the reception, shall we?" I asked.

*

The paper was checked every day. Finally, a week after James and Lily's wedding, while Sirius and I were eating dinner in our small house, the paper suddenly flashed from where its post on our fridge. Immediately, Sirius and I rushed to the kitchen to see what it said.

_The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix is Number 18 Godric's Road, Godric's Hollow. Arrive no later than 7:00 pm on 24 August 1978._

I looked at Sirius in shock. "Godric's Hollow?" I asked.

"It's the last place Voldemort would be if you believe the stories," he said. "I'm calling James and Peter. Put that paper in your pocket. Make sure it doesn't go anywhere. This place clearly has the Fedelius Charm on it."

"Clearly," I agreed, shoving the paper in my pocket. I looked at the calendar on the wall. "It's this Friday," I said as he walked to the living room fireplace.

"Got it," he said, kneeling down and tossing in a handful of Floo Powder.

*

The twenty-forth arrived quickly. Sirius, James, Lily, Peter, and I stood outside of the entrance to the Order and looked at each other briefly before we walked in.

Chaos was everywhere. Papers were stacked up and floating around, people were shouting messages and information across the rooms, someone cursed about a papercut while four others ran passed us as we stood there taking it all in.

Finally someone noticed us. "Oi, who are you?" she demanded.

"New recruits, I guess," James answered. "Dumbledore gave us this piece of paper that told us to be here today."

"You burn that paper?" she asked.

I nodded. "Personally," I said.

"Scattered the ashes and all?" she asked.

"Smashed them and put them in the rubbish bin," I said.

She smiled. "That last was a joke," she said. "We've got to have something to joke about 'round here. Marlene McKinnon, by the way," she said, holding her hand out for each of us to shake. "Dumbledore'll be through that hallway," she said, pointing down a crowded hall. "Meeting starts at seven. Good thing you folks got here early. There's not much sitting room these days. So many people wanting to fight back. Too bad it still isn't enough."

James and Sirius led the way down the hall after Marlene McKinnon walked away. We found Dumbledore moments later, looking over a few large parchments. He glanced up as we entered and smiled. "Welcome," he said. "Everyone, take a seat, I've just got to find..." He pushed a few papers aside. "Ah," he said. "We need this information for every member of the order," he said. "May I have the forms of each of your Patronouses?"

"A doe," Lily offered first.

"Stag," James said.

"Really big dog," Sirius said.

"A wolf," I added.

"I can't cast one," Peter said. The four of us turned and stared at him. "You did one just fine two years ago," Sirius said. "What happened?"

Peter shrugged. "I just...can't do it anymore," he mumbled. I was reminded of the night we returned to Hogwarts last year. Peter had never once offered to talk about what was going on. I wondered if he was okay.

"Not to worry," Dumbledore said with a smile as he activated a Quick Quotes Quill to write down what we'd told him. "Next question: Do you agree to never speak of the Order of the Phoenix to anyone who is not a member?"

The five of us nodded. "What happens if we know someone would want to fight and we could use them?" Sirius asked.

"Then you come to me and tell me and I will decide whether or not to move towards bringing that person into the Order."

"Right then," Sirius said, leaning back in his chair. "What's next?"

"Do any of you have any artifacts or skills that would be useful in specialized missions?"

"I've got my dad's old invisibility cloak," James said. "It could be useful."

"We have many invisibility cloaks."

"Not like this one, I promise," James said. "It's been in my family for generations."

"Generations?" Dumbledore asked. "And it still holds its charms?"

James nodded. "Perfectly," he said. "It can even conceal more than one person."

"Interesting," Dumbledore said softly. "Anything else?"

James, Sirius, and Peter looked at each other. "We're Animagi," Sirius said. "James, Pete, and I," he clarified.

"You're a what?" Lily demanded, looking at James. "Why didn't you mention this before?" she asked.

"Well, we're not _registered_ Animagi," he said. "We did it so Remus didn't have to..."

"Have to what?" Lily demanded, looking at me.

I sighed. "If it's helpful, Dumbledore," I said, "put down my status as a werewolf."

"What?" Lily cried, staring at the four of us in absolute shock. "Merlin, what else have you four been hiding all these years?"

"A very good question," Dumbledore agreed, smiling at us with that twinkle in his eyes. "Anything else?"

"Not likely," Sirius said. "Unless I could possibly get back in on my family's good graces anyway. I'd be a great link into the Death Eater circles."

"Are each of you willing to go on missions which may take you away from home or work for extended periods of time?"

"I can't," Lily said. "Not for extended periods. On the first I start training to be an Unspeakable."

"Exploring the mysteries of the universe, Mrs. Potter?" Dumbledore asked.

Lily smiled. "You bet I am," she said.

"And Sirius and I start training in the Auror Academy next week," James added. Sirius nodded.

"Remus?" Dumbledore asked. "Peter?"

"I can serve missions," I said with a glance at Sirius.

"So can I," Peter agreed.

"Very good," Dumbledore said. He pulled out his pocket watch. "The meeting is about to start," he said. "Follow me."

That first meeting taught us a lot. We found out where Voldemort was focusing his attention, London of course, and how many of his Death Eaters were killing, capturing, or simply controlling many innocent bystanders. In the past month alone, eighty Muggles and nineteen wizards were killed. I held Sirius' hand as the gruesome facts were placed out in front of us before a strategy to fight back was discussed.

Dumbledore had somehow gotten wind of Voldemort planning an attack on Diagon Alley. People volunteered at once to help clear out as many people as possible and keep the alert high yet quiet. James, Sirius, Lily, and I were among those volunteers.

*

The attack on Diagon Alley happened three weeks later. The four of us cleared people out using the various secure and previously placed exits for the innocent people to leave through.

"It's Voldemort himself!" James called suddenly, pointing at a man with black hair.

Sirius, Lily, and I all turned to look at Voldemort. I felt a rush of fear before the four of us ran after him. He saw us coming and made his way to Knockturn Alley, throwing curses at us as he ran.

"COWARD!" James shouted. "FIGHT US!"

He stopped running and turned. His eyes flashed red as he smirked. "I usually don't kill purebloods," he said. He pointed his wand at Lily and then at me. "These two, however, I'll have no problems destroying.

At once, the four of us unleashed our curses. He blocked them all easily and shot off a curse that sent all four of us flying backwards. I heard Lily scream and tried to get back up. Something was keeping me down.

Voldemort's face swam into view above me. He pointed his wand at my forehead and smirked. "Follow," he said.

I felt the compulsion to follow him and fought it. I stood up against my own will and patiently waited. The wolf inside of me growled in anger at being forced to do something we didn't want to do. I couldn't help but let it out a little.

Voldemort's attention snapped back to me. "A werewolf?" he asked, approaching me. He grabbed my throat and I screamed from the silver of the ring he wore. I could hear and smell my own skin sizzling. I tried to aim my wand at him, but he grabbed my wrist with his free hand and lifted me off of my feet.

"Beg me for your life," he softly whispered. "Beg me to spare you."

"Never," I choked.

"LET HIM GO!" Sirius screamed. "Take me! Let him go!"

Voldemort dropped me and I held my hand over my neck and winced. I was nauseous with the pain and shaking.

"_EXPELLIARMUS!_" I heard James shout.

Voldemort's high, cold laugh sounded. "This is a war," he said. "Kill."

With a rush of wind, he was gone.

Sirius was suddenly at my side, pulling my hand away from my neck. He swore and looked up at James. "I have to get him home," he said. "We've got what he needs there."

James nodded. "We'll report to Dumbledore," he agreed.

Sirius grabbed me tightly and pulled me to my feet. A moment later, we were standing in front of our house. He wrapped an arm around my waist but I pushed him aside and doubled over. Apparating, even under the healthiest of conditions, could be disorienting and nauseating. Apparating under my condition led to me throwing up in the grass once more, which intensified the pain I was feeling.

Sirius guided me into the house and sat me down on the sofa. I laid down because the world wouldn't stop spinning and closed my eyes. When I next opened them, I could feel the bandages on my neck and I was in our bedroom.

I could hear voices in the living room. I sat up and winced as the muscles in my neck pulled a little. I stood and walked to the bedroom door. When I touched the handle, I heard what the voices in the living room were talking about.

"...bad shape," Sirius was saying.

"What do you think Voldemort chose him for?" James asked. "He said he didn't want to kill us, but he wasn't going to have a problem killing Remus or Lily. Then he chose Remus out of the four of us...."

"I don't know," Sirius sighed. "Maybe he just decided to kill him first."

"Or he recognized something in him."

"No," Sirius said. "It wasn't until Remus growled that Voldemort even realized what he is."

"Then why choke him like that? Why not just curse him?"

"Because he _is _a werewolf," Sirius said. "Most curses don't work on Remus. That's why he's such a valuable asset to us."

I hung my head. They doubted me. Suddenly I wasn't Sirius' lover, I was an asset to the Order. I sighed and moved back to the bed and sat down. Is that really all I am? An asset? A tool?


	17. Chapter 17

The next morning, the four of us were called to a meeting with Dumbledore to discuss the events in Diagon Alley. We told him about our encounter with Voldemort and Dumbledore looked at me. "All you four have is this one injury?" he asked, amazed.

We nodded, which, of course, hurt my neck and pulled on the bandages. Sirius reached for my hand and held it tightly for a moment. I couldn't help but think of his conversation with James the night before, which made me feel even worse if that were possible. I gave Sirius' hand a squeeze before I pulled my hand away. I leaned back in the chair and rest my head against the top, closing my eyes. I felt weaker than normal and I had an inkling that it was from the silver burn. Normally silver poisoning doesn't happen unless there has been prolonged exposure. For all I know, that ring was cursed. The damage was a bit more severe than it should have been after all.

"Remus?" Sirius asked. I felt his hand on my forehead, brushing hair away.

"Hmm?" I asked.

"Are you okay?"

"I feel weak," I said.

I heard Dumbledore's chair slide back and a moment later I smelled him next to me. He took my wrist and laid his fingers against the pulse there. "Go and summon Poppy," he said before someone else left. "Remus, how long have you felt like this?"

"Last night," I said.

"Did Voldemort curse you in any other way that you know of?"

I shook my head. "Not as far as I know," I said.

"He said something when he grabbed your hand," Sirius said. "Did you hear him?"

I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at him. "He told me to beg for my life," I said.

"He did?" Sirius asked.

"What did you hear him say?" I asked, confused.

"I heard a lot of growling and then he said he was going to kill you."

I looked at Dumbledore. "What happened?" I asked. "What did Voldemort do to me?"

Dumbledore sighed and retreated to his desk. "I'm afraid I can't say," he confessed. "It would seem that he has singled you out for your condition, which may mean he will come after you again. It's no secret that Voldemort wants the werewolves on his side. I'm afraid that means I'm going to have to ask you to help us get some of the werewolves on our side."

I sighed. "Great," I muttered.

"What's wrong with that?" Sirius asked. "Why...."

"Remus is very different from most other werewolves, Sirius," Dumbledore said. "What I have just asked Remus to do is likely going to cost him a few things and change him in irreversible ways."

"Cost?" Sirius asked. "What kind of costs?"

"Innocence," I whispered. "Humanity. The werewolves in the packs don't acknowledge their humanity, they never have. They hate Wizards because of all of the freedoms that have been ripped away from us because we have no control thirteen nights every year. These are creatures who kill people for sport," I said softly, sitting up and wishing I could smoke in here. I looked at Dumbledore. "I can't do anything until my neck is healed and the full moon has passed," I said. "If I go now, they'll see me as weak and it's already going to be bad enough because I've been a werewolf since I was five years old and have not joined a pack."

Dumbledore nodded. "I am aware of the risks you face," he said. "I do not ask you to do this lightly, Remus, but it does need to be done and you are the only person we can send in."

I nodded. "I know," I said as the door opened and James walked in with Pomfrey behind him. I glanced over at Lily. She sat with a shocked expression on her face, quiet as a mouse.

Pomfrey walked up to me and checked my pulse, as Dumbledore had done. She touched the tip of her wand to my forehead to check my temperature before she sighed. "How much contact have you had with silver?" she asked.

"Not enough for this," I answered.

"Well, you've got a mild case of silver poisoning," she said. She pulled a vial from the pouch she wore around her neck and handed it to me. "Three drops morning and night until you're feeling better," she said. "No less than three days," she said.

"Any specific time of day?" I asked.

"Whenever you're ready to sleep," she said. "It's going to make you groggy. There's experimental pain medication in there as well. Hopefully it will help."

I sighed and nodded. "Thanks," I said, taking the potion. I looked at Dumbledore. "I need to step outside," I said.

"Use the back door," Dumbledore said. "The charm protecting the house only goes to the front steps."

I nodded and stood. Sirius followed me as I made my way through the chaotic house and out the back door. I sat down, pulling my cigarettes out of my pocket and putting the vial in my robes. Sirius leaned against the railing and pulled out his own cigarettes.

"Do you need to go home?" Sirius asked.

I sighed. "I should stay," I said. "For the actual meeting..."

"I can fill you in on what happens," Sirius said.

I shook my head. "I'd rather stay," I sighed.

"What's going to happen to you when you go to the werewolves?" Sirius asked.

I took a deep drag from my cigarette. "I won't be home much," I said. "I'll have to spend most of the first three months with them, if not all of it. They'll make me kill someone eventually."

Sirius gasped. "Kill someone?" he asked, his face pale.

I nodded. "Yeah," I said. "It's one of the reasons I've avoided them for so long. They embrace the darkness of being a werewolf," I said. "The packs are cruel, to both the people inside and out. I'll have to fight for a rank. If I can get high enough, I'll be able to influence those beneath me. Before I get there, I'm going to have to work on the conscious partial transformation because if I can't do it, I'll be stuck at the bottom of the food chain and I won't be able to help at all."

"The what?" Sirius asked.

I sighed and took another drag. "Turning my hands into claws," I said. "Increasing muscle mass, speed, and basically becoming a half man half wolf. I've never even attempted it before because it's part of the darker aspect of what I am."

"Suddenly I wish there were more werewolves in the Order so that you wouldn't have to be the one to do this," Sirius said softly.

"I wouldn't wish my curse on anyone," I said softly. "Not even my worst enemy. And the odds of me getting the werewolves on our side are slim to none, but maybe I can at least draw them away from Voldemort."

"What are the odds of you being successful?" Sirius asked.

"Slim," I sighed, taking another drag.

The back door opened. Sirius and I both turned to see Lily walking out. She walked up to me and hesitated for a moment before she hugged me. "Don't lose hope, Remus," she whispered in my ear. "Everything will be okay."

I hugged her back. She would never know how much those words meant to me.

*

I sat outside that night, on the back porch lost in my thoughts. I stared at my hands, completely clueless as to how to control my transformation. There were werewolves who actually could stop themselves from transforming on a full moon. Others who could transform during any phase. Those books my father had given me had gone into it.

An owl screeched in the distance. I looked up and saw it was heading towards me. It landed on the back fence and I stood up. As I walked towards it, I noticed that it had a letter. I took the letter and the owl took off, back in the direction it had flown from. As I watched, I realized the letter had come from Hogwarts.

I walked back towards the house as I opened the letter. I scanned it over and saw that it was from my sister.

I resumed my post on the back steps and pulled out my cigarettes and wand. Before I started reading, I lit up and pointed my wand at the letter. It lit up and I read it.

_Remus,_

_An exciting thing happened today. I made the Quidditch team for Gryffindor! I'm a Chaser. Everyone says that James was the best, but I'm sure I can be just as good as he was. Hopefully we'll be able to hold on to the Quidditch Cup._

_I got a letter from Dad today too. I sent him one when I got here because Mom isn't here and can't stop me like she has before. He was so happy to hear from me. I want to see him so much but there's no way my mom will allow it. She says he's too dangerous and I don't know why._

_I talked to her about you too. She's not happy that I met you. She says you're even more dangerous than our dad but I don't see how. Sometimes I think she's gone a little crazy. She's always talking about how only pure wizards should be able to go to school at Hogwarts._

_Anyway, I hope you write me back. I think it's so exciting that you're my brother. And tell Sirius that everyone is calling me Moonette now. His name really caught on._

_Love,_

_Your sister,_

_Elissa_

I stared at the paragraph about her mother's beliefs for almost a full minute before I tossed my cigarette and rushed into the house. Sirius looked up from the stove and followed as I threw Floo Powder into the fireplace. I stuck my head through. "Lupin's house," I said.

I saw the inside of his living room for the second time in my life. "Dad!" I shouted.

He came running in a moment later. "Remus?" he asked. "What's the matter?"

"I just got a letter from Elissa," I said. "Who is her mother?"

"Vivian Rosier," he answered as though the information wasn't important. "Why?" he asked. "What did Elissa say?"

I shook my head. "Why did you two divorce?" I asked. "Why is she telling Elissa that you're dangerous? Does she have an older son?"

My father froze. "How do you know that?" he asked.

"Evan Rosier, was his name Evan Rosier?"

He sat down on the sofa. "Remus, what's happening?"

"Rosier is a Death Eater, dad," I said. "Is Vivian one as well? Elissa said that her mother has a purebloodist attitude."

"I wouldn't know," he said. "We divorced years ago, you know that."

"Why did you divorce?" I asked. "What happened?"

"I didn't like her ideals," he replied. "I thought she was outdated in her beliefs that purebloods were the only wizards who should be allowed wands and that Muggle-borns had some how stolen magic. I asked her about halfbloods, which was how she came to find out about you and she said that they should be kept as slaves. After a while, I got sick of it. She would disappear for days at a time, leaving me with Elissa and I had no way to go to work because I couldn't just leave her here."

"You need to find a way to take Elissa from Vivian," I said. "From everything you're telling me and from Elissa said in her letter, I'm forced to draw the conclusion that she is working for Voldemort." My father flinched at the name. "Stop it, Dad," I said. "It's just a name. Please," I begged. "Find a way to take her from her mother. Trust me on this. I'm part of the resistance. I've been fighting in the war since graduation. I know a Death Eater when I see one."

My father nodded. "I'll see what I can do," he said weakly.

I said goodbye and pulled myself out of the fire. When I turned around, Sirius stared at me in shock. "Is all that true?" he asked. "Everything you just told your father?"

I nodded and held out the letter from my sister. "I got that just before I came in here," I said. He took the letter and scanned it.

Sirius sighed as he handed the letter back to me. "Well, on the bright side, everyone loves the nickname I gave her," he said with a smirk.

I couldn't help but laugh. "You're horrible," I said, shaking my head.

"Just trying to lighten things up," he said with a shrug. "You've done all you can. Let's go to bed."

I nodded. "Please," I sighed.

*

**AN: Sorry about the delay in getting this chapter out. Life has gotten in the way and I haven't had much time to work on it. Don't forget to review!**


	18. Chapter 18

I rubbed my eyes, the lines on the pages in front of me blurring and running together illegibly. I reached for the coffee by my side and took a large drink. I reached for my cigarettes and lit one before I turned back to the book. I turned the page and saw a diagram of both the human hand and the half-transformed werewolf claw. The claw was more than twice the size of the hand.

I turned to my own hand and stared at it. How does a hand become twice its size?

Whether it was me concentrating on my hand long enough with that thought or simply will power, my hand began to change.

With a startled cry, I jumped out of my chair and nearly dropped my cigarette. I stared at my hand in shock and saw it shrink back into a normal hand. Had I not already lit a fag, I'd be reaching for one now. I took a large drag and slowly let it out as I stared at my hand again. This time, I was ready for it to grow and it happened again. I put my cigarette down and looked at my other hand. It too changed easily and painlessly. Like magic, but not.

When my hands were normal once again, I sat back down and finished my cigarette. Now that I had that part down, I needed to work on the rest. In order for it to do me any good, I needed to make it almost instantaneous. In a fight, there's no time out for shifting. I may not have joined a pack or actually seen any of it, but I knew the horror stories. I knew what they did. I knew how easily they would kill me if I made the wrong move at the wrong time. I could show no weakness. I had to harden my heart and ignore my conscience. Sever everything....

I sighed heavily. I would have to leave him. Even if only for the months I needed to stay with the pack to prove my self, I would have to forget about Sirius. I couldn't have him to remind me of the life I used to live. I couldn't risk him sending me a letter. I couldn't do the things I know I'll be forced to do and know that he's waiting for me.

I sighed and looked up at the ceiling through blurry eyes. This is the cost. This is what I must pay to complete the mission Dumbledore set for me. More than anything else in that moment, I wanted to tell Dumbledore to fuck off and leave me alone. But I had signed up for this. I was given the choice and I had known this would come up. What good is a werewolf to an organization such as the Order if it doesn't try to infiltrate the packs?

I sighed and reached for a blank piece of parchment and my quill. I dipped the tip into the ink nearby and put the tip to the page.

_Elissa,_

_Congratulations on making the Quidditch team, I'm sure you'll be great._

_I'm going to be out of touch for some time. I have something that I have to do and I can't tell you what it is. If you need anything, I'm sure Sirius will be more than happy to help you. He's very happy to hear that you're stuck with the name he gave you._

_I'll write you again as soon as I am able, but I'm not sure when that's going to be. I'm going to be extremely busy after the full moon next week._

_In regards to what you've told me about your mother, I've discussed the matter with our father. He's going to see if there's any way that he can see you, with or without your mother's consent. I hope you'll help him in any way you can. He really does love and miss you._

_I must go now. Good luck with your classes and let us know when your first match is. Even if I'm unable to make it, I'm certain Sirius, James, Lily, and Peter would love to see you play._

_Your brother,_

_Remus J. Lupin_

I tapped the parchment with my wand to dry the ink and seal the letter before I wondered down to Hogsmeade's post office to send it. On my way back home, I looked off towards Hogwarts and wished I could be there again. I picked up my pace and returned to the house Sirius and I shared. I reached up to the bandages on my neck as I walked. The skin underneath itched, but I couldn't scratch it.

*

I stood in the bathroom after my shower and slowly peeled away the bandage on my neck. The burn had healed almost completely and had scarred. I leaned closer to the mirror, tilting my head to the side to get a better look at the injury. My eyes widened when I realized what Voldemort had branded me with. On my neck was the Dark Mark. A perfect skull and snake. Dammit.

I picked my wand up off of the counter and tapped it against my neck, hoping to conceal the mark. Thankfully, it disappeared from sight. The last thing I wanted was for anyone to see it.

I shook my head as I put my wand back down and stepped away from the mirror. I had something I needed to try. The full moon was in two days. Two days after that, I would be going to the packs in the hopes that one of them would take me in.

I started with my hands. They became claws almost instantly. Then I focused on my arms and the rest of my body.

By the time I was finished, I was taller and bulkier. I could feel the strength of the wolf coursing through me, coupling with my own innate strength and doubling. I suddenly wanted to break something but then I would have Sirius to answer to and it was a fight I didn't want to have because he wouldn't understand.

I reverted back to my normal state, finished getting dressed, and left the bathroom. Once more, I heard voices coming from the living room. This time there were four of them, not just two.

"What do you mean, he's acting differently?" James asked.

Sirius sighed. "He's distant and he won't talk to me like he did before Dumbledore gave him this stupid mission. What's so important about the other werewolves anyway?" he asked. "The only one that's worth anything is already with us."

I smiled and shook my head. Leave it to Sirius to flatter me and not see the bigger picture.

"If the werewolves go to Voldemort, we will have one less ally," Lily said. "There are more than a thousand werewolves in all of the United Kingdom. That's a lot of enemies we don't need, Sirius."

Sirius sighed again. "I don't like what it's doing to Remus," he said.

"What does that mean?" Peter asked.

"I don't know," Sirius said. "It's just...with what he's been doing...he's different. Whatever's going on, it's already changing him and I don't like it. He's not the same person he was last year."

"Sirius, none of us are," Lily said softly. "War changes everyone."

"It's not about the war, Lily," Sirius said. "It's about what he's doing as a werewolf. The stronger he gets with it, the less human he is. Remus has always been terrified that he would become a monster. _Always._ Now...now he's embracing it and I don't know how to keep him if he keeps going down this road. I don't know that I'll be able to stay with him...."

I sighed and turned away from the living room. I went into the bedroom and picked up my cigarettes because I didn't want to hear anymore. I left the room again and ignored their conversation as best as I could as I passed the living room to go through the kitchen and out the back door.

"Remus?" Lily called. I ignored her and shut the door behind me. It opened a moment later, as I was lighting my fag.

"Remus, what's the matter?" Lily asked.

"Nothing," I said, forcing myself to sound as though I wasn't lying.

Lily gave me a doubtful look. She couldn't know someone was lying as well as me, but she was still good at discovering a falsehood from the truth. "Now, why don't I believe you?" she asked.

I sighed and sat down on the steps. "Because I'm lying through my teeth but I don't want to talk about it," I said.

Lily sat down anyway. "Remus, you're our friend and we're all worried about you," she said, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Talk to us."

I shrugged her hand away. "Please, Lily, just leave me alone. I've got to get used to not having friends around."

Lily sighed. "Be that way then," she muttered before she stood and went back into the house.

*

Two days after the full moon, I Apparated to London. If you knew what to look for and had a good enough sense of smell, you could find the packs in no time. I found the first marker near Diagon Alley and followed a series of markers and followed them to an old, run down apartment building. The scent of wolves was thick in the air and I knew I had arrived.

I pulled out a cigarette and lit it as I stood at the gate. You don't go into the wolf's den unless you're invited or you're ready to kill them all. I'd be waiting for an invitation and it would be a while before I received it.

Nearly four hours after I stopped at the gate, someone came out of the building. I watched the world in front of me, keeping an eye on him peripherally, and didn't even blink as he stood in front of me.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded. "You think you're strong enough for this pack? You think you can take it in there? Get the hell out of here and don't let me find you out here again. You're shit! You're worthless! Go!"

I stayed where I was standing and he walked back inside. As the sun was setting, a second man walked out of the building and made his way down to me. More insults were dished out along with a few punches. I stayed there as he walked back inside and wondered how many more they were going to send out before they let me in. I spat out the blood from his punch to my jaw and pulled out another cigarette. I was getting hungry, but it was going to have to wait. Such were the rules of the pack. You endured because if you didn't, you were weak and worthless.

Two more came out, one after full dark and the fourth around midnight. I stayed where I was and pulled out another cigarette after they left. It was near dawn that the alpha came out.

He stood in front of me and sniffed the air. "You're certainly one of us," he said. "You've got some power to you too. You know how to fight?" he asked.

I slowly nodded.

"Good. Get your ass inside, get some food and sleep. You fight for your spot at sundown.

*

Sleeping was an overstatement. They fed me and gave me a corner of floor to curl up in but every time I had started to doze off, I was kicked, had something thrown at me, or had someone decide to scream in my ear. By sundown, I was more exhausted than I had been before I'd tried to sleep.

I took down my first three opponents with little to no effort and without resorting to claws. I had a few cuts and bruises, but nothing big. My fourth opponent was a man with a lot more standing in the pack. He walked into the circle of werewolves with me standing in the center, and pulled his shirt up over his head before he tossed it aside. He made a show of forming claws with his hands and bulking himself up. He lunged for me and I moved to the side. He ran head first into the crowd, knocking four people over and nearly killing one of them with the attack that had been intended for me.

He rose up with a snarl and loud growl. "You think you can win this fight by moving out of the way?" he demanded. "It ain't smarts that gets ya to the top o' the chain out here," he spat. He lunged for me again and I moved just in time for his claws to graze my stomach, ripping my shirt but missing flesh. Since he kept running hunched over, I brought my elbow down on the back of his neck. He fell to the floor again and pushed himself back up a moment later. That move would have killed a human. It was nothing for a werewolf.

He stood and, instead of charging me as he had the first two times, simply attacked. I had no choice but to bring out the claws. He managed to draw first blood, but the fight wasn't until first blood. It was survival. My survival. I had to beat him. It wasn't going to be easy.

The wolf inside of me knew what to do better than I did and I let myself be guided by my instincts. The fight lasted almost ten minutes before I hit him hard enough that when he fell down again, he stayed down.

The alpha stepped into the circle and looked at the man I'd just knocked out. He stared at me for a moment and there was stunned silence from the others. I realized then that I had just beaten someone of importance.

"That was my second in command," the alpha said. He walked up to the man and turned him onto his back with a kick. He was out cold. The alpha looked back up at me. "That makes you my second in command," he said. "If you think you can handle the responsibility."

To turn down the offer, not that it really was an offer, was an insult to both the alpha and the pack. It also showed weakness on my part. I wasn't sure I could be second in command, but I nodded as I wiped the blood away from the corner of my mouth.

"Kneel," the alpha said. "And bare your neck."

I knelt and tilted my head to the left. The alpha of the pack walked up and moved my shaggy hair aside before he inspected my neck for marks. Not finding what he was looking for, he smiled before he suddenly bit me.

I tensed from the sharp and sudden pain but forced myself to relax. Relaxing meant it hurt less. The less pain I was in the happier I would be.

When he pulled away, I felt the blood trickle down my neck. So long as I didn't see it, I knew I'd be fine. "Welcome to the pack," the alpha said. "I am called Romeo. You will be called Aquarius. Stand."

I got to my feet as instructed.

"You and I have some things to talk about," Romeo said before he placed a strong hand on my shoulder. He guided me through the other werewolves and up a flight of stairs before opening the door to an apartment. "You'll be living here for the next three months," he said. "I think you'll understand why we can't just let you leave. It's standard procedure for new werewolves. You, on the other hand, are not new. How long have you been blessed?" he asked.

Blessed? This wasn't a blessing, it was a fucking curse that I despised. I was going to have to either learn to love being a werewolf, or learn to love acting.

"Since I was five," I answered, looking around the apartment. It wasn't the highest quality, and not anywhere near as good as what Sirius and I had in Hogsmeade, but it was better than what I would have been able to get on my own.

"Five?" Romeo asked. "And you've never been brought into a pack?" he asked.

I shook my head. "My mother was Muggle," I said. "She wouldn't allow me to join."

"What did she do?" he asked. "Chain you in the back yard like some common mutt?"

I smiled. "Locked me in the basement," I said. "My father was a wizard and ran out on us shortly after my turning. He blamed himself."

"Why?" Romeo asked. "Who turned you?"

"Greyback."

Romeo's eyes widened. "Merlin," he muttered. "No wonder you just took out my second like it was child's play. Do me a favor and don't fight me," Romeo said. "They find out who turned you and they'll expect it. I'm trying to turn this pack around but its taking some work. Most of them down there are too angry with wizards to give my preaching much thought."

I stared at him for a moment. "Why are you telling me this?" I asked.

Romeo smiled. "Because you're here to do the same thing," he said. "I can find out just about anything in a few hours. You are Remus John Lupin, Hogwarts graduate, and member of the Order of the Phoenix, which is lead by the great Albus Dumbledore." The way he said "great" made me think he wasn't actually all that fond of Dumbledore. "I get why you're here," Romeo continued. "In fact, I'd appreciate the help, but you're going to have to do some pretty evil shit before those blokes down there will give you a second glance, even though you did just take out Bartholomew. Though the chicks are going to love you the next time they see you."

I chuckled. "I don't chase skirts, mate," I said.

Romeo's eyes widened. "You're this strong _and_ you're a pouf?" he demanded. "Son of a bitch. Right, so, keep that to yourself and you won't be jumped in the middle of the night. Also, I just have to make this clear right here and now, if you try to undermine my authority without challenging me first, I will kick you out of this pack and you will become a rouge and you will not be able to join another pack for the rest of your life. You're marked now, which means you've been taken. We all eat together down where you got food earlier. You'll know when its meal time. I suggest you keep your door locked when you're sleeping or you're not in here. We're all pretty fucking poor thanks to those Wizarding bastards so thievery has become commonplace. The rule is if you get caught you're out, so most of them have figured out how to not get caught. It's pissing me off. Anyway, you don't have any thing with you, so I hope you don't expect to have to go home to get it. You can't leave now that you're in, not for three months."

"I've got it covered," I said.

"They don't like magic either so if you're going to do it, keep away from the bulk of them. They're not all lucky enough to have wands any more. Ministry's been taking them away thanks to that stupid Lord Voldemort. I strongly suggest you walk the straight and narrow until it comes kill time. The next full moon is going to be all yours."

I felt my heart skip a beat. "And what is it that I will be doing?" I asked.

Romeo smirked. "Killing," he said. "A human. Muggle preferably. If you've got the control over your claws and can pull them out that quickly, you should be able to control your wolf enough to find the target."

"And you support this?" I asked.

"You're a part of a pack now, Aquarius," Romeo said. "Whether or not I support the slaughter of innocent humans is irrelevant. It must be done. You're the strongest newest member therefore, it's on you. It's tradition. Part of proving yourself worthy. I don't like it any more than you do, but that's the way things are done. I did it. You'll do it. And the next guy will do it. Trust me, it gets easier."

He turned and left the apartment without another word. "That's what I'm afraid of," I whispered to the empty air.


	19. Chapter 19

As I lay in bed that night, I couldn't help but remember my last night with Sirius. I think it had to have been the worst night of my life. Sirius knew something was wrong. He knew nothing was as it seemed.

I eventually fell asleep on that threadbare mattress. Alone, for the first time in so long. I dreamed of that night....

*

_I walked outside after we finished dinner. Sirius cleared our plates away without a word and rinsed them off before he joined me outside. He sat on the step next to me with a heavy sigh. "So you're leaving tomorrow?" he asked._

_ I silently nodded, deeply inhaling the smoke from my fag. "I'll be gone for a while," I said. "I don't know when or even if I'll be back."_

_ "How will I know?" Sirius asked, his voice cracking with the words._

_ "You won't," I nearly whispered._

_ "And you expect me to be okay with this?" he demanded._

_ I glared at him. "Yes," I said. "I do expect you to be okay with this because this is a mission Dumbledore is sending me on and it's for the Order. It will, hopefully, help us win the war, Sirius. Merlin knows we need all of the help we can get."_

_ "Dammit, Remus, that's not good enough!" Sirius cried, standing up and facing me. "How the hell am I supposed to go at least three months not knowing if you're alive or not?" he demanded. "For crying out loud, Remus, you can't even stand the sight of blood!"_

_ I stood up. "Don't you think I know that?" I demanded. "Do you think I haven't thought about it?" I pulled up the sleeve of my robes and exposed an arm that had been cut to ribbons. "I did this to _myself,_ Sirius," I said. "With a fucking knife! I have to get used to seeing blood fast and this was the only thing I could think of. I don't know what you're going to do for the next few months," I said. "Keep in mind that I'm not going to know if you're alive or not either. I can't go there and do what I have to do if I know you're waiting for me," I said softly. "I can't be what they are going to demand I become if you're waiting."_

_ "What are you saying, Remus?" Sirius whispered._

_ I took a last drag from my cigarette and flicked the butt out into the yard. With a racing heart, I avoided Sirius' gaze. "I'm saying it's over," I whispered before I met his eyes. "I'm leaving you."_

_ "The hell you are!" Sirius spat. "Not like this! Not for this. It's you and me till the end, remember?" he demanded. "You are _not_ walking away like this!"_

_ "FUCK!" I screamed, kicking the bottom stair. Why did he have to fight? Why couldn't he just let me do this, let me walk away? "Did you not just hear me?" I cried, my voice growing hoarse with the yelling and emotions. "I _can't_ do it if you're waiting for me to get back, Sirius! I'll be killed! I'm ending things now!"_

_ Sirius shook his head. In the light of the waning moon, I saw a tear fall that nearly broke me. "No," he said with a shaking voice._

_ I closed my eyes for a moment and ran my hands through my hair. "Do you think I want this?" I asked. "Do you think I like doing this to you? That I like who I'm becoming? _What_ I'm becoming?" I demanded._

_ "How the fuck would I know?" Sirius yelled. "All week you've hardly said more than ten fucking words to me, Remus! All week I have felt like someone you _detest_ being with! Do you even know when the last time you kissed me was?" he demanded. "Or the last time you even said _thank you?_ For all I know, you _are_ getting some sick pleasure out of doing this to me! I LOVE YOU!" he screamed, his eyes blazing with an inner fire._

_ I felt a sob rise and twist itself in my throat. I let it out before it choked the life out of me right there. Sirius reached for me and pulled me into his arms and I let him because I needed him like I needed air. I clung to him desperately, knowing that to let him go was to die._

_ "Don't do this, Remus, please," he begged. "Don't leave me. I'll do whatever it takes to keep you. Please," he sobbed, his entire body shaking. "Please don't leave me..."_

_ "I have to," I thickly replied. My voice broke halfway through the sentence. "It's killing me but I have to."_

_ He held me more tightly. "I love you so much," he cried. "I don't know what to do without you."_

_ Another sob forced its way out of my throat. "God, Sirius, I love you too," I cried, "but I have to do this. No matter how much it hurts, I can't go through what's coming if I know you're waiting for me. It's why I've distanced myself from everyone," I confessed. "You have to let me go."_

_ "Dammit, Remus, I can't," Sirius said. "Not without a fight."_

_ I loosened my hold on him to meet his eyes in the bright darkness. "I love you," I said. "You are my world." I let him go and tried to take a step back while I still had the will power to do so. He wasn't letting me go that easy. "Let me go," I said with a shaking voice._

_ He shook his head. "No," he said. "I can't."_

_ "Then you're going to get me killed," I told him._

_ "Give me tonight," he begged. "Please, give me tonight and we can break up in the morning. I won't fight, I promise. Please," he said with a cracking voice, "just one more night."_

_ I sighed, knowing this was a bad idea, knowing that I should just go to my father's like I'd planned. Instead, I nodded and moved in to kiss him._

_I left the next morning before he even woke up, knowing that he'd be waiting for me when I got back._

*

I spent the next two weeks defending my surprising place in the pack and learning how they did things. Every night I was tortured with dreams of Sirius, wondering if he was going through the same. I almost wanted to hate Dumbledore for making me come here and do this. I couldn't though. We all had to make sacrifices for the greater good, right? It wasn't in me to hate anyone. At least, not on a personal level. ...Anyone who wasn't Greyback anyway...

The others in the pack were surprised when they realized I'd been a werewolf for quite some time before joining up with a pack. Romeo was right about the women. It's a mating instinct to find the strongest and procreate. They threw themselves at me, causing the other men in the pack to become insanely jealous. I kept gently turning them all down until I was fed up with it and stared angrily turning them all down. After the fourth time I turned down a woman called Armageddon, I shoved her into a wall and screamed at her for twenty minutes. She was in tears by the time I finished and ran away from me. The men who were standing around, watching, were suddenly impressed.

*

The full moon arrived too soon. I wasn't ready for it. The pack gathered and I was almost sick with my nervousness and fear. Romeo announced that I would lead their hunt and make the kill. A pack of wolves running around London would be quickly noticed so we went to the country side. A small hamlet to the north. I didn't know the name of the town.

The moon rose and we all changed, fighting each other or or ourselves before we were all wolves. It was the first time I had ever been with other wolves on a full moon and I was mostly conscious. The wolf had taken a back seat for the first time ever.

Romeo, a ruddy wolf with black tipped ears, feet, and tail, looked at me with golden eyes. I bowed my head in submission before he threw his back in a howl. The rest of us joined him before we began to run toward the village.

The woman wondering the dirt streets had brown paper bags filled with groceries. I lept, tackling her and shoving her to the ground. She screamed and began to struggle and my teeth found her throat. I bit hard, silencing her and tasting blood. My hope of becoming human again had just shattered in the name of bringing down a dark lord. I suddenly hated my father for bringing that hope to life in my soul. If I had a soul after this.

The blast of a shotgun made us run back for the trees, dragging the woman with us. There were eighty wolves in the pack. Had it not been required of me, I would have let them all have her.

*

We returned to the apartment building the next morning. I numbly went up to my apartment and locked the door behind me. I went into the bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet for only a moment before I threw up for the next twenty minutes. I hated myself for what I'd done. I hated myself for what I had become.

There was a knock on the door, so I got to my shaking feet and flushed before I went to answer it. Romeo was on the other side. The look on his face was grave. "You did well," he said. "Don't let them know how it's effecting you. They won't understand."

"Am I going to have to do that again?" I asked.

Romeo sighed. "At some point, yes," he said. "If you want out, now is the time to do it."

"It's not about what I want," I said, shaking my head. "I have a job to do."

"It's being done, Aquarius," he said. "I promise you that. I don't want to see you become them," he said softly. "You're a good person and the pack life isn't for you. If you don't get out now, you'll never get out. I'll keep in contact with you and let you know how things are going if you promise me you'll leave. You don't belong here."

"You couldn't have said this all to me three days ago?" I asked.

Romeo sighed. "I had to know if I could trust you," he said. "I had to know how far you were willing to go. Please, Remus, get out. Get out now while you still have some shred of humanity left in you."

I sighed. I nodded. "Okay," I said.

*

I didn't go home after leaving the apartments. With everything I'd brought with me in my pocket, I wondered the streets of London, looking for a way to explain what I had done, why I had left, and the truth behind Romeo's pack. I couldn't find a reason and I eventually found myself standing in front of my father's building. I considered walking up and knocking, talking to him about what I had been through, and realized I couldn't. I couldn't tell him that I had willingly sacrificed my chance to become human again. I couldn't tell him that I had done what I had always been afraid I would do. I couldn't....

I walked away and wondered if I would ever be able to face my life again.

I walked for an hour, lost in my thoughts.

"Remus?"

I froze, mid-step, and felt my heart skip a beat. I slowly turned and wished I hadn't reacted. It had been a month since anyone had called me by my name. Standing five feet behind me was Lily.

"Remus?" she asked again, her face lighting up. "Oh my _god!_" she cried before she rushed to me and hugged me. "You're alive!" she cried happily.

I winced and pulled away from her, clutching my side. Transformations were never easy and always painful. "Hi," I said, not quite sure how to react. "What are you doing here?" I asked, looking around to see if James or Sirius were around.

"I was just at St. Mungo's," Lily said with a smile. "James and I are trying to have a baby," she confessed. "I was hoping they could do something to help us. The medi-witch said that the odds of us actually having a child are slim. She said there's something off about my uterus."

I frowned. "Like what?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Haven't the foggiest," she said."I thought we weren't going to hear from you for a while," she said, quickly changing the subject. "I mean, longer than this. Sirius said it would be about three months before we got word from you."

I nodded. "Yeah," I said, running my hand through my hair. "I should probably go report to Dumbledore...."

"That's where I'm headed," Lily said. "There's a meeting tonight. Come with me," she said with a smile, as though nothing had changed. I had thought that they would all be able to just look at me and know what I had done. I was sure that they would all know with a glance. If Lily knew, she made no indication.

*

Lily and I arrived just as the meeting began. The numbers had grown significantly in the month I had been away. I saw James, Sirius, and Peter near the front row. My heart literally ached at seeing Sirius again. As Lily and I stood against the back wall, Dumbledore talked about hints of an attack on Hogsmeade and Godric's Hollow. He said Voldemort was looking for items of worth but he couldn't be sure what they were exactly. He said to be on the lookout for anything that had been owned by one of the Hogwarts founders. If we found anything, we were to report to him immediately with the item.

As Sirius and I lived in Hogsmeade, he looked first to Sirius and then to me, asking if we would keep an eye out. Sirius, realizing Dumbledore wasn't speaking to him alone, turned in his chair and saw Lily and I. He jumped up and ran to me, nearly knocking me to the ground. I cried out in pain and shock and he instantly retreated as I clutched my side, hoping nothing had been reopened.

Sirius stared at me with fear in his eyes for a moment before he hugged me more gently. "Are you back?" he whispered in my ear. "Are you coming home?"

I closed my eyes and held him tightly for a moment, breathing in the smell of him. It was an intoxicating mixture of cigarettes, his aftershave, and the hint of dog that made my stomach tie itself up in knots. Underneath all of that was pure Sirius, the way he smelled first thing in the morning if he took a shower the night before. "I don't know," I finally whispered.

"Remus, what news of the pack?" Dumbledore asked, reminding Sirius and I that we were not alone.

Sirius pulled away from me. Everyone stared expectantly. "Various insiders are trying to make the other werewolves a little more human," I said. "For instance, Romeo is trying to make the others in his pack see that Voldemort is not going to be any better to us than the wizards in charge now. Unfortunately, most of the werewolves look to Greyback as a sort of idol or hero. Most of them will follow him if they get a chance but there are a few other swing votes as well."

Dumbledore nodded. "I feared as much," he said. "We'll talk more in depth after the meeting," he promised. I nodded and waited for the attention to focus itself elsewhere before I slipped out of the room, palm pressed against the burning pain in my side, and found a bathroom. Sirius, I knew, was right behind me. He closed the door to the loo as I moved in front of the mirror. "Are you alright?" he asked.

I turned my injured side toward the mirror and lifted my shirt up to inspect the damage. I tried to ignore Sirius' horrified gasp. Last night, my side had been slashed to ribbons in the pre-hunt fighting and the shotgun blast from the man on the road had managed to hit me via debris. I was bruised and bloody, and the wounds had reopened.

"Merlin, Remus," Sirius whispered, moving closer to inspect the damage himself. As his fingers gently touched the skin around the wounds, I winced and wanted to get away from him. How could he care so much about me after I slaughtered a poor defenseless woman?

I stepped back, almost involuntarily, and reached for a few paper towels on the counter. I soaked them with cold water, then held the wad against the reopened gash on my side.

Sirius chose to ignore my distance. "Do you have to go back?" he asked. "To the pack?"

I glanced at him through the mirror before I shook my head and looked back at my side. "No," I said.

"Then you're coming home, right?" he asked. There was such hope in his voice and it made me want to fall to pieces right there. How could he love me after what I did?

I met his gaze for a brief moment, again through the mirror because it was easier to look at his reflection than it was to look at him, before I turned my attention back to the dripping paper towels. I pulled it away from my side and saw the dark red blood in a perfect copy of the wound. The edges faded to pink. I deserved them. The gashes. I deserved to have my hope of humanity torn from me for what I did to that poor woman. What if she'd had children? Or a husband? A father or mother? A family of any sort that were all mourning her loss today. They were grieving because I was guilty. Because I had decided that one life was worth the cost for the sake of the war.

"Remus?" Sirius pressed.

"I don't know, alright!" I cried, turning and meeting his gaze without the mirror to act as a median. There was a knock on the bathroom door as it opened. Sirius and I both turned to see Lily look inside.

"Is everything alright in here?" she asked.

"Yes," I said as Sirius replied, "No."

"Okay then," Lily said. "Dumbledore is ready to talk to you now, Remus," she said. "He's in his office."

I nodded. "Thank you, Lily," I said.

She nodded and I saw her brilliant green eyes find my wounds. Though her eyes widened, she didn't say anything, for which I was grateful, and closed the door as she left us to our misery.

I dabbed the injuries with the wet paper towels before I tossed the wad into the toilet and flushed. As I started to leave, Sirius asked, "Why don't you want to come home?"

With my hand on the knob, I looked back at him. "You deserve better than me," I said softly. "If you knew what I've done, you wouldn't want me to come home." Without waiting for a response, I opened the door and left the loo. He didn't follow me to Dumbledore's office.

I knocked on the open door as I entered the room. Dumbledore looked up and almost smiled. "We weren't expecting you so soon," he said. "Did things not go as well as we had hoped?"

I sighed. "Things were...alright," I said. "Romeo felt that I was not a good match for his back because I'm..."

"Too gentile?" Dumbledore asked.

I shook my head. I had been many things of the last four weeks and gentile had not been on e of them. "He didn't want me to become a beast," I said. "He told me to leave for the sake of my humanity."

"I see," Dumbledore said softly. I resisted the urge to tell him how much I thought he saw. He sighed. "Well, I assume this means we cannot send you to another pack."

I shook my head. "I was accepted," I said. "From here on out, I belong to that pack."

"You are still a part of the pack?"

"Yes," I said with a nod. "Technically. I was second in command. I have to be beaten or killed to be officially removed. Until someone in the pack challenges and beats me, I'm a member who isn't active. It works well for Romeo because any challenger to him has to go through me first."

"Then your mission now is to keep in contact with this Romeo and keep me up to date."

I nodded. "Of course," I said.

Dumbledore smiled in truth this time. "Then I suggest you go home and get some rest," he said.

*

Sirius was waiting outside, smoking a cigarette while talking with James and Lily. The three of them looked up as I walked down the stairs. James walked up to me and met me halfway to them. He held out his hand. I took it and he pulled me into a one-armed, brotherly hug. "We missed you," he said.

"I missed all of you too," I replied, pulling away from him. James met my eyes. "Sirius needs you," he said. "He needs you like I need Lily. Go home with him, Moony, please. Before we have to rush him to St. Mungo's."

I sighed and looked at Sirius. He watched James and I intently. "He deserves better than me," I said softly. "After what I did, I should rot in hell."

"Sirius might deserve better, but I think he deserves the man he loves," James said. "Since that's you, shouldn't you at least try?"  
I sighed again and ran my hand through my hair. "He should find someone else," I said. "Someone who isn't a monster."

"You are _not_ a monster, Remus," James said strongly. The conviction in his voice made me almost believe him. Merlin knew I wanted to believe that statement more than I wanted many other things.

I met James' light blue eyes. "You don't know what I did," I said.

"Nor do I care," James replied. "You've been one of my best mates since we were eleven years old, Remus," he said. If nothing else, go home with him tonight and talk about it."

I nodded. "I can do that," I promised.

James smiled and clapped his hand on my shoulder. I winced a little and he took his hand away. "I thought they were easier with a pack," he said softly.

I chuckled bitterly. "I wasn't with _my_ pack, James," I said as we walked up to Sirius and Lily. James chuckled as I looked at Sirius. "Can we go home now?" I asked.

Sirius laughed and pulled me toward him. "God, yes!" he happily cried.


	20. Chapter 20

When Sirius and I got back to the house that night, I was shocked to see the state it was in. Clearly, in the month I had been gone, Sirius had forgotten how to clean. Dishes were piled up in the sink, clothes where everywhere, garbage had been left wherever it was used and the bin in the kitchen was overflowing, and the entire house smelled of cheep bear and stale cigarettes.

"Sorry about the mess," Sirius said before he waved his wand and set almost everything right.

I watched Sirius as he fussed with what magic hadn't fixed for a moment before I walked up to him and put my hand on his shoulder. He froze under my touch before he slowly looked at me. "I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you've been a royal wreck since I've been gone," I said softly.

Sirius chuckled bitterly. "That's one way of putting it," he said. "I just..." he looked around the house, "I couldn't face it," he said softly. "Going to bed alone, waking up and knowing you wouldn't be here.... I just sort of stopped doing things and I've even been sleeping on the sofa for the last three weeks because that bed is too big for one person," he said in a rush. "But you're back now, so everything will be alright again."

I sighed and pulled out my cigarettes as I stepped back. I pulled out one of the two stools next to the breakfast bar and sat down, pulling the ashtray closer to me as I lit up a fag.

"Please tell me you're back," Sirius softly begged.

"Do you know what they make other werewolves do?" I asked. Sirius sat on the other stool and lit a fag as he shook his head. "The first day they didn't even let me in," I said softly. "Every few hours, someone would walk out and try to get me to leave by insulting me. Some of them even resorted to physical violence." I paused to take a drag. "They let me in and gave me food. Told me to curl up in a corner and sleep. I was treated like an unwelcome stray dog.

"At sundown the next night, I had to fight for a position in the pack. Because one man became impatient and didn't like how easily I was winning, he attacked me. I beat him and earned his rank. I became second in command after a _day._ That's unheard of. The only person who could give me orders was Romeo.

"But because of my quick ascension in the hierarchy, I didn't have the respect others earned because no one knew me well enough to respect me. Fear me, yes. Idolize me, yes. Respect me? No." Another pause, another drag. "I faced challenger after challenger for a week. Then the women came along. They all wanted to fuck me. The men wanted to kill me. At first I tried to be nice, but then I was just pissed at the whole lot of them. I nearly killed one woman, Apokolypse, because she practically raped me one night.....

"Then came the full moon," I whispered, setting my fag in the ashtray and holding my head in my hands. I felt Sirius' hand on my knee and I nearly fell off of the stool trying to get away. "Don't touch me!" I nearly screamed. "I'm _shit_, Sirius!" I yelled. "I'm worthless fucking _shit!_"

Sirius stared at me in utter shock as I slid down the wall to the floor. "I remember the entire night," I said with a voice thick and high with emotion. I hated how weak I sounded. "I killed a woman," I said before I broke down in sobs. "I ripped her fucking throat out and I _ate_ her! I'm a fucking monster!"

Sirius was on the floor in front of me, holding me as I sobbed. I clung to him because he had been my lifeline for so long that I didn't want to face this alone.

"You're not a monster," Sirius whispered. "A few bad deeds doesn't make you a monster."

"Only one has to make me a murderer," I thickly replied.

"That was the wolf," Sirius said, trying to calm me down.

"There isn't a fucking difference anymore!" I shouted, pushing him away. He stared, eyes wide. "_I_ am in control now. Or at least I was with them, I don't know what the next full moon will be like. I've lost my chance to be human again, Sirius," I whispered. "I don't deserve to be with you...."

"What about what I deserve?" Sirius asked, sounding almost angry. "I have put up with a lot of shit from you recently and then _you_ left," he said with a shaking voice. Tears fell from his eyes. "Don't _I _deserve to be with the person who makes me happy?" he asked. "Don't I deserve some fucking recognition for what I've given up too? Don't I deserve to be with the man that I love?"

"I'm not a _man_, Sirius!" I cried. "You deserve a _person,_ not a beast!"

"Do you enjoy the fact that you killed someone?" he asked, his voice thick with emotion.

"Of course not!" I cried. "But—"

"Do you want to do it again?" he asked, cutting me off.

"No!"

"Are you sorry you did it?"

"Yes!"

"Do you still love me?"

"You know I do," I nearly whispered.

"Then stay with me," Sirius said softly. "Don't give up because you did something Dumbledore asked you to do. He knew what would happen if you accepted the mission. _You_ knew what would happen if you accepted the mission. It's bad, yes, I freely give you that, but there were extenuating circumstances, Remus. What would they have done if you'd refused?"

"Killed me," I whispered.

"Exactly," Sirius said. "You did what you had to do in order to survive. We still need you, Remus. The Order as well as me. I was going crazy without you, without knowing if you were alive or dead, if you were ever going to come home... James tried so hard, _so_ hard, to bring me back to my old self, but...without you, it just wasn't worth it. I am a wreck without you, Remus," he said softly. "Stay with me, _please._"

I nodded. How could I say no? "You and me until the end," I whispered.

Sirius gave me a small smile. "Until the end," he repeated.

I hadn't realized how much I had changed in the last month until I was back home with Sirius. It was nearly the end of November and I had left toward the end of October. Being able to eat a meal and get enough without having to take it from those weaker than me was almost something I had to relearn how to do. I was eating lunch, hunched over my food and almost expecting an unwanted hand to try to swipe something from my plate when I realized what I was doing. I was suddenly reminded of Muggles who got out of prison after long stays. Fred had a brother who had been in prison. From what I understood, the majority of his current habits were ones he hadn't had before serving his time.

Sirius, I knew, noticed, but he never said anything. I was grateful for that. I didn't think I'd have been able to explain myself anyway.

After lunch that day, I went back to the bedroom, closed the door, and sat down on the bed as per my now-usual routine. That woman's face haunted me. The fear in her eyes, the heat of her blood...the memories alone were almost intoxicating and I finally, _truly,_ understood why wizards were so afraid of us and why we were classified as _dark_ creatures.

I laid down with a heavy sigh and stared at the ceiling. The tree outside cast odd shadows against it. Somehow, it seemed to spell words, calling to light the darkness inside of me. _Murderer,_ it said. _Monster._

Sirius knocked on the door and slowly opened it. "I'm going down to the Broomsticks to see if anyone knows anything," he said, "do you want to come?"

I shook my head. "I'd rather stay in," I said.

"Would you like me to bring you anything?" he asked.

I sighed. "Chocolate and Firewiskey," I said softly.

Sirius smiled. "Firewiskey's in the freezer," he said. "Chocolate's in the nightstand on your side. I figured you'd want it when you got back."

I nodded. "Thanks," I said. If I couldn't get her face to stop haunting me, I could at least drown my sorrows in alcohol and chocolate.

"Is there anything you need before I go?" he asked.

I shook my head. "No," I said. "Thank you." I tried to make sure I said those words more often at least.

Sirius nodded and started to close the door again. He paused and stepped into the room. He needlessly closed the door behind him and walked up to the bed. After a moment, he sat down. "How are you?" he asked. "Any pain?"

"A bit," I said. The wounds still hadn't fully healed. "Overall, I suppose I'm okay."

"I'm worried about you, Remus," Sirius said softly. "You've been home almost a week and all you do is lay in here.... You've hardly even spoken since the night you came home."

I sat up and gave Sirius a weak smile. "It's hard to readjust," I said. "After a month of life in the pack...."

"That's not why you're distant, Remus," Sirius said. "I can see it in your eyes. Tell me what's wrong, please."

I shook my head. If he could see that I was lying, he should have been able to see the truth as well. "I can't," I said, getting out of bed. I met his eyes and sighed. "I need a smoke," I said, leaving the room. Sirius followed, as I knew he would. With the cigarette in my hand, I relaxed a bit, but the tree that had rightfully accused me of being a murderous monster taunted me, putting me on edge again. I turned away from the tree, which meant I was face-to-face with Sirius. At that moment, I wasn't sure which one bothered me more; the tree accusing me, or the man accepting me.

"Why is it that you keep running when the conversation gets difficult?" Sirius asked.

"Because I'm not ready to talk about what happened," I said. "I'm not even ready to face it myself, Sirius, and you're supporting and accepting me, knowing the things I hate myself for right now. I despise myself and you still love me. Not only do I not understand how you can still love me, but I don't understand why you're willing to be with me still. I don't think I'd be able to do it if our positions were reversed."

"You loved me after attempted murder," Sirius said with a shrug. "After exposing you. After cheating on you. After pulling away and losing it all... You've put up with more shit from me than I've had to from you and you shouldn't have had to go through it all. I hated myself for the longest time after what I did to Snape and again after what I did when you went to Italy."

"That's not even close to the same as what I've done, Sirius," I said. "Don't compare it."

"I"m not comparing what I've done to what you've done, Remus," he said. "I'm saying that even though you believe I shouldn't, I still love you, just like when I believed you shouldn't, you still loved me. At least you didn't know her."

"That makes it better?" I demanded. "I _killed_ and _ate_ a woman in cold blood, Sirius!" I cried. "I don't know if she had a family or a life that was worth something. I don't know what her name was or how old she was or if she was going to help make this world a better place!"

"And where would you be if you did?" Sirius asked. "You'd hate yourself a hell of a lot more if you had known her. What if she was a serial killer?" he asked. "Or a pedophile? Maybe she stole everything she owned. Maybe she was a _bad_ person, Remus!"

"She was still a _person!_" I cried. "She didn't deserve to die like that!"

"And if she hadn't died, she'd turn into a werewolf on the next full moon," Sirius said softly. "You did her a favor by making sure she was _dead_. And if it wasn't you, it would have been someone else. You're always saying 'better me than someone else'," Sirius said. "I know that you still think like that. Would you rather some other fresh werewolf with no thought that life could be different go through what you're going through and believe there is no other way?" he asked.

I sighed. "At least that werewolf could get over killing someone easier than I can," I sighed. "They wouldn't know any better."

"So, for the first time, you would truly wish your torment on someone else," Sirius said softly. "You really have changed."

And there it was. The moment I realized how different I had become. The moment I realized that I could become Greyback. It shocked me to the core and I was so shaken, I had to sit down on the steps and think about what Sirius had just said. It was true, that I had always said better me than someone else. How could I honestly wish my pain and torment on an innocent person? What if that woman had been allowed to live? What kind of monster would she become on the full moon? What kind of beast? How many would she have killed or turned?  
"Do you want to know why I hate myself so much right now?" I nearly whispered.

"If you want to tell me, yes," Sirius replied, sitting down next to me. He pulled out another cigarette and lit it before he reached for my hand and held tightly, lending me the strength to say the words.

"When I killed her...I enjoyed it," I confessed, clutching his hand like it was my last lifeline. "Going through everything, learning how to do what only the most powerful can do, I became one with the wolf," I said. "I finally accepted it in a way I never had before. It changed so much of me. I'm not the same bloke I was seven years ago. I'm not even the same bloke I was seven _weeks_ ago. I fought against it my whole life," I whispered. "I did everything I could to not be like those werewolves in the packs. Now I feel like I've lost every ounce of humanity I've ever clung to. I feel like going down to the Ministry of Magic, telling them what I did, and letting them put me through everything I've been terrified of since I was eleven because I don't feel like I deserve to go on living after taking that woman's life."

Sirius was silent after I finished speaking. The wondering what his next move was going to be, the anticipation that came with not knowing what he was thinking ate at me like some sort of virus.

"And that's what makes you human," he said, holding my hand just a little more tightly than before. "That's what keeps you from becoming Greyback." I wondered if he knew that thought had crossed my mind. "It's what separates you from the monsters."

I sighed and rest my head on his shoulder. "Thank you," I said softly, taking his cigarette as I rest my head on his shoulder and took a drag.

I handed it back to him and he took a drag before slowly letting it out. "What for?" he asked.

"Being the most amazing man in the world," I softly replied.

Sirius smiled and kissed my forehead. "You're welcome," he said.


	21. Chapter 21

The year went by fast. It seemed one moment Sirius and I were celebrating Christmas with James, Lily, and Peter and the next spring had arrived. There were battles and the occasional full moon I spent with the pack. Dumbledore came to me with the Wolfsbane Potion in the summer and I had my first quiet full moon that July. I worked mostly as a liaison between the Order and some of the packs. In September someone decided to challenge Romeo for leadership of the pack. I made sure that didn't happen. Romeo and I both knew I was stronger than he was. It benefit him to have someone stronger directly below him who wasn't trying to take over. It benefit us to have him on our side.

In October, Lily found out she was pregnant. She was overjoyed and the party didn't stop for a month. James wanted her to stop fighting, but she wouldn't have it. She'd stood up to Voldemort himself twice. She wasn't about to let a pregnancy keep her from continuing to do that. Everyone knew who she was. She was the Muggleborn Voldemort couldn't subdue. Even though it was risky, she kept fighting.

It was November when Sirius and I heard the screams. We dropped the plates of dinner we were carrying to the table and ran for the front door. James, Lily, and Peter were with us for our weekly dinner and got to the door just before we did. Lily wrenched it open and we stared in silent horror. Hogsmeade was burning.

The five of us poured out onto the front lawn. Sirius cast the spell to alert Dumbledore and the Order and we ran to the fight. Death Eaters swarmed the main road, breaking into the shops and coldly killing everyone around them. The five of us glanced at each other before James and Lily ran toward Voldemort at the mouth of the road. Sirius, Peter, and I scattered, finding Death Eaters.

I attacked the first Death Eater just outside of Zonko's Joke Shop. After throwing a few spells back and forth, I finally stunned him and he fell. A moment later, I felt my entire body seize before I turned against my will. I saw James and Lily fighting Voldemort and was pulled toward them. When I got there, I pulled James away and tossed him aside like a rag doll.

Then, as I seemed to watch in horror, I reached for Lily. She saw me coming and moved away.

"What the hell are you doing, Remus?"

_I don't know!_ I wanted to scream.

"The werewolf is mine to command," Voldemort said, causing my heart to skip a beat. "As are all dark creatures."

"Remus, _fight him!_"Lily screamed as I grabbed her and held her arms with bone-crushing strength. She cried out in pain as her wand fell from her hand. "Don't let him win!" she cried.

"NO!" James yelled. I let go of one of Lily's arms as he came up behind me. My hand found his throat. He clawed at my hand as my fingers tightened around his neck.

Suddenly, I was tackled from behind. I fought and eventually ended up on my back, staring up at Sirius, apparently pinned. I knew I had the strength to throw him off of me. "Don't you dare give in," he said, pinning my arms above my head. I growled and broke his hold on my before I pinned him to the muddy road beneath us.

I raised my hand and felt it become a claw. It had been so long since I'd done it that it felt like a foreign thing to me. Poised to strike and silently screaming, I realized that Sirius' death would be what finally turned me into Greyback.

Sirius met my eyes. There was no fear. He was calm, accepting. "I love you," he said softly, knowing that if he didn't have the power to break Voldemort's hold on me he would at least die trying. "Don't ever forget that."

My hand suddenly went for his heart. "NO!" I screamed, feeling something break inside of me. My claw stopped as I touched his chest and suddenly became a hand again. I looked up in enough time to see Voldemort disappear. The moment he was gone, his Death Eaters started leaving. I collapsed, sobbing, onto Sirius. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and sighed heavily.

"I thought I was a goner for sure," he said.

I felt the shock was through me before I suddenly remembered. "James!" I cried, scrambling away from Sirius to the still body of our best friend. Lily knelt next to him, crying. I was suddenly terrified that I'd killed him too.

I rolled him onto his back and checked for a pulse in his neck. It was weak but it was there. Sirius, who had followed me, pulled his wand out and muttered a few healing spells. James started coughing and Lily and I helped him sit. She threw her arms around her husband and he held her tightly.

"I'm sorry," I said thickly. "I had no control over anything...."

Sirius placed his hand on my shoulder. "It's not your fault, Remus," he said.

"Yes it is," I whispered. James and Lily both stared at me. "I opened myself up to it," I whispered. "I allowed the darkness to take me over. I became the creature he wanted."

"You are a _man_, Remus," Sirius said. He put his hand over the very heart I had just tried to rip out. "I know it in here," he said. "I Know what monsters look like and they don't look like you."

"Sirius is right, Remus," Lily said softly. "You're too pretty to be a monster."

I chuckled, which was what she had intended, and the four of us stood. I looked at James. "I am sorry," I said.

James shrugged. "It's fine, Moony," he said. "No harm done."

I tried not to look at the bruise on his neck or the bruises and scrapes on Sirius' body. I tried not to look at their torn robes or wandless hands. Harm was done. Not all of it by me, but harm was done. I had hurt the three most important people in my life. I thought about what James had asked Sirius and I when he and Lily found out they were going to have their son after all. _I want you guys to take care of him if something happens to us,_ he'd said. _Sirius, you'll be his godfather. Remus, if something happens to Sirius too, promise me you'll take care of him._

"I can't take care of him," I said softly. "If something happens to you two and Sirius, I can't do it. I'm not going to endanger your son."

James nodded. "I understand," he said softly. "But I have faith in you, Remus. You wouldn't hurt him."

"I'm not taking that chance," I said softly.

Should we have noticed that Peter was absent then? Should we have paid attention to where he'd gone and who he'd fought in that battle? Should we have realized that he wasn't helping put out the fires like he would later tell us when we asked? Yes. We should have.

It was the middle of the night in January when the five of us were called into Dumbledore's office. The storm was bad enough that Sirius and I wished whatever the headmaster had to say could wait until morning, but we knew better than that. If he was calling at two at night, it was important and couldn't wait.

Sirius and I, despite living closest, were the last to arrive. We walked through the deserted halls of Hogwarts and remembered the hundreds of nights we'd snuck in and out of the castle for whatever reason. Now we were headed for the Headmaster's Office and we weren't going to be reprimanded for being out of bed after hours. That security was kind of nice, even if being back did make us feel like we were kids again who didn't have to worry about a war that was out of our hands.

Dumbledore sat at his desk with James, Lily, and Peter on the other side. The look on his face was grave, as though someone had died. Either that or Voldemort had just found a way to win the war and we weren't likely to stop him.

Dumbledore looked at each of us for a moment after Sirius and I sat down. Finally, he looked directly at James and Lily. "Someone is going to betray you," he said softly. I felt my heart skip a beat and Sirius' hand tightened around my own. "You two, and one other couple, have defied Voldemort three times and your children are due in July. Whoever is born at the end of the month will have to live with the knowledge that their son is going to be attacked. This boy, born to parents who have thrice defied Voldemort, is going to be the only one who can bring about his end."

"What?" Lily asked, nearly choking on the word.

"A prophecy was made a few short hours ago," Dumbledore said softly. "I was there to witness it but I was not alone. A Death Eater sat right outside the door and overheard a large chunk of it. How much, I am uncertain, but even a small amount is more than we can afford to risk Voldemort knowing. It states the circumstances of the birth of the boy who will defeat Lord Voldemort."

"And you believe that it may be our son?" James asked.

Dumbledore nodded. "Indeed I do," he said softly. "You have personally fought against Voldemort three times and survived. Whether or not this is the actual meaning of the words, I also know that you defy him every day by merely being a part of the Order and continuing in the efforts against him. Both you and one other couple who fits that description are due to have a son in July. And, seeing as Voldemort has, for some reason, signaled out the five of you, I believe it is safe to assume that he will have kept track of how many times you've fought him and survived. Especially with your reputation, Lily," Dumbledore added.

"What do we do?" James asked.

"The only thing you can do," Dumbledore said. "Keep fighting."

James nodded and glanced at Lily before he looked back at Dumbledore. "If it's our son that does him in, I'll be the proudest dad alive," he said. "If not, at least I'm not running for the hills."

Lily nodded. "Agreed," she said softly. "We can't afford to be scared."

"Be that as it may, it is a good idea to practice a bit more caution," Dumbledore said.

"You said it yourself a moment ago," James said. "Voldemort's signaled us out. If we have to die for this, better us than someone else. Lily's been learning a lot of pretty amazing shit in the Department of Mysteries and with that, we might just stand a chance. I'm not saying we're happy to die, especially not with a kid on the way, but if it's not us, it's someone else and I don't know who the other couple is, but I can't imagine their kid'll have the three greatest uncles to look after him."

I was touched by that last statement, even if I had taken myself off of the list of people to take care of their son when or if the time came.

Dumbledore nodded. "In that case, I hope all goes well," he said softly.

January faded into April. April suddenly became June. When July rolled around, we knew who the other couple was. The Longbottoms. Alice and Frank, friends of James and Sirius from the Auror department, gave birth to their son on the twenty-ninth. Lily was still pregnant at that point. We were suddenly fearful that Lily wouldn't deliver by the end of July and it would be Frank and Alice who suffered. Though none of us wanted James and Lily to come to harm, and we didn't really want Harry to be forced to be the only person in the world who could do what we've fought so long and hard to fail at, but we didn't want them to suffer either. James and Lily had accepted the fate of their son. All that was left was for Fate to decide which boy it was going to be.

Lily went into labor on the thirtieth. She spent the afternoon with contractions tearing screams from her and the night in hard labor. Sirius, Peter, and I waited anxiously in the waiting room of the Maternity Ward at St. Mungo's until, finally, at three in the morning, James came walking out with a happy but tired smile on his face. "Come meet Harry," he said before he led us to Lily's room. She was half asleep and looked like hell but she glowed the way new mothers glow. She had Harry in her arms and, even from a distance, it was easy to see that James was his father. That messy black hair didn't come from just anywhere, you know.

Lily smiled up at us as we entered the room. We crowded around her and James practically crawled into the bed with her. She moved just enough for Harry to open his eyes and I was shocked at how clear and green they were. He had his mother's eyes. His father's looks and his mother's eyes.

"You did good," Sirius said looking at the happy new parents. "He was worth all that effort."

Lily nodded and smiled at her son. "My little miracle baby," she said softly. "We didn't think we'd ever get to meet you," she said to the baby. He looked up at her for a moment before he started crying. Lily started the laughter with a chuckle and the rest of us chimed in. James kissed her before he got up and shooed us all out of the room, promising a party by the end of the week. While it was nice to think about, we weren't actually counting on there being a party.


	22. Chapter 22

Lily convinced James to wait a month before he invited nearly everyone he had ever met to their house in Godric's Hollow for the party. The champagne was poured and passed around, everyone held little Harry James Potter, and all of the gifts they'd never need were opened and piled up on the kitchen table. Even Elissa managed to be at the party. She stayed by Lily for most of the night, having grown close to her over the years, and even helped her when Harry cried. Her mother had been convicted of being a Death Eater almost six months ago and she'd been living with our father ever since. It was a relief to know that she was doing better.

I slipped outside as Lily decided it was bed time for the baby and pulled out a cigarette. I never did do well in large crowds and the house was full enough that I wondered if the walls were going to burst. As I lit up, Elissa stepped out behind me.

"Hey, Moony," she said with a smile. She had taken to calling me that every chance she had. They even still called her Moonette in school. "How's it going?"

I smiled. "Good," I said, feeling that the response was true for the first time in a long time. "You?"

"Great!" she said happily. "Dad totally spoils me rotten," she said with a wolfish grin. I wondered, for the first time, if that was hereditary. "All's well except that my mother keeps sending me letters from Azkaban," she said. "She's trying to convert me."

"I hope you're not listening," I said softly.

"Nope," Elissa replied. "Not a chance. If the war's not over by the time I graduate, I'm totally becoming an Auror. I've heard about some of the things You Know Who is planning on doing if he wins the war and I don't like them. Evan's pissed that Mum got arrested and convicted, but she deserved it. I tried telling the Ministry that he's a Death Eater too, but they won't listen to me."

"I'm sure they'll figure it out eventually," I said.

"So..." Elissa sighed and glanced at the grass beneath her feet before she looked back up at me, "is the war going to be over any time soon?" she asked.

I sighed. "I don't know," I said, knowing that it wasn't likely. Both Harry and Neville Longbottom were only a month old. Surely Dumbledore's _Marked Man_ had to be able to use magic. Surely a _baby_ couldn't defeat the darkest sorcerer ever, could he?

"Then are you and Sirius going to get married any time soon?" she asked.

I felt the blush rise on my cheeks and was glad that it was getting dark and it wouldn't be seen. "Probably not," I said, wishing I could be lying. "If one of us was a girl, I'm sure it would be different, but the odds of two men getting married are slim to none."

"That's stupid," Elissa said. "You should be allowed to marry whoever you love."

I smiled. "I think so too," I said softly, sighing before I took a drag from my fag.

"How long have you guys been together anyway?" she asked.

I sighed. "Almost three and a half years," I answered.

"Wow," Elissa said. "That's a long time. Da was only with my mum for eight years."

"He was with mine for eight," I said.

"Six more years and you'll have him beat," Elissa said with a smile. "Then maybe you can go out of the country and get married or something."

"Sometimes marriage ruins relationships," I said. "Besides, I kind of like the way things are right now. It's comfortable. There're are no huge and drastic changes, and if something breaks us apart, we don't have legalities to worry about."

Elissa waved my response off with a scoff. "You want to marry him and you know it," she said with a smile. "If it were me and I was with someone for more than three years, I'd want to marry him too." She looked up at the sky. "I have to go," she said. "Da made me promise to be home before it got fully dark out."

"I'm going to head home," I said, "do you want me to Apparate you there?" I asked.

"You're leaving your best mate's party early?" Elissa asked. "Isn't it like your job to help clean up?" she asked.

I smiled. "I don't do well with large crowds," I reminded her. "They know I won't stay for the whole thing. It'll probably be close to midnight before things really wind down anyway."

"Well, in that case, sure," Elissa replied with a smile. "Let's go tell James and Lily bye."

"And Sirius," I said as I flicked my cigarette toward the street. "I can't leave without telling him I'm going."

"And you say you're not married," she said.

I laughed as we walked back into the house. "Technically we're not," I said.

Sirius was home by the time I got back. He greeted me with a hug and kiss. "I thought you were staying," I said as I hung up my cloak.

Sirius shrugged. "I figured I'd rather be home with you," he said.

I smiled. "And that's why I love you," I said.

He shook his head. "No, you're going to love me for an entirely different reason here in about five minutes," he said with a smile.

I gave him a curious look. "What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Let's eat some dinner first," he said, taking my hand and leading me into the dinning room. I stopped as soon as I entered the room. On the table was a candle-lit dinner for two complete with red wine and a white rose. Sirius had always insisted on white roses because they reminded him of moonlight and, above all else, I was _his_ Moony. He was the one who actually gave me the nickname after all.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Eat," he said, pulling me toward the table.

I didn't want to tell him that I wasn't hungry so I sat down as he pulled the not-silver silver covers off of our plates. On the plates were slices of chocolate cake. I chuckled as he sat down next to me.

"I didn't think either of us were actually all that hungry, so we're skipping the actual meal and going straight for dessert," he said.

I met his eyes with a smile. "What are you planning?" I asked.

He smiled. "I found a loophole in a certain law the other day," he said. He reached for a small velvet box I hadn't noticed a moment ago and got to one knee on the floor. My heart started racing as he opened the box and I saw a pale gold band inside. "Remus John Lupin," he said softly, "will you marry me?" he asked.

I gaped. "How?" I asked.

He smiled. "For once, you being a werewolf works in our favor," he said. "Since werewolves can marry and aren't technically classified as human, there's no gender restriction."

I felt my jaw drop. "Really?" I asked.

He nodded. "So?" he asked. "Will you?"

I nodded. "I will," I said as he pulled the ring out of the box and reached for my left hand. He slid the ring onto my finger and I pulled him up for a kiss. Dessert was skipped in favor of other activities.

We fought the Ministry for the right to marry for more than a year. They kept coming up with reason after reason to deny our application. Finally, after countering each and every one of them, they gave us permission just after Harry turned one. As we started making plans, Dumbledore informed us that he had an insider and that Voldemort was looking at James and Lily as the parents of the boy who would take his life. He suggested the Fidelius Charm.

The moment the words left Dumbledore's mouth, James looked at Sirius. "Pads?" he asked.

Sirius nodded. "Of course," he said without hesitation. We knew the way this would play out. Sirius would become their Secret Keeper and we would pretend to go on with our lives as though nothing had changed.

Dumbledore didn't like that idea. "I will gladly take on this responsibility," he said. "We cannot risk someone betraying you."

James met Dumbledore's eyes. "No offense," he said, "but I trust Sirius with my life. I don't trust a lot of people to keep my family safe and I know Sirius will never betray me. He'd die before he did that," James said. "Would you?"

Dumbledore sighed. "I would not have to," he said.

"That's the point isn't it?" James asked. "The Secret Keeper's put at risk. Whoever does this is likely to get captured and tortured until they give our location. I know you could get around that, Dumbledore, but if they get you we've lost. I want to make sure the secret goes to the grave if it has to."

He had to put it that way, didn't he? "I need some air," I said before I left the room. I sat outside of the Order House's back door and pulled out my cigarettes. Would he be captured for this? Would he be killed for this?

The door opened and Lily stepped out. The fear came off of her in waves. "You okay?" she asked. Lily, as usual, putting other people first.

I shrugged. "James kind of scared me a little," I confessed. "Talking about Sirius dying..."

Lily nodded. "I know," she said.

"I'll bet it's nothing compared to what you're feeling," I said softly, taking a drag from my cigarette.

"I don't think what either of us is feeling is all that comparable," Lily said softly, leaning against the porch's post. "They really are different. You feel the fear of losing a husband," she said. "In that we're the same. I also fear the loss of my son and my own life. It's a bit more acute now that we know Voldemort has singled us out. I know we've said from the beginning that we'd rather it be us than the Longbottoms, but for the first time I wish it wasn't." She crossed her arms in front of her. "But with you around, Sirius will be safe," she said. "You'll protect him as he protects us. Some day, when Harry's ready, we'll be able to come out of hiding."

"If Voldemort can't find you, he may go after the Longbottoms after all," I said softly.

"Dumbledore was talking about having them go into hiding as well, just in case. He doesn't want to take any chances."

"That sounds like Dumbledore," I sighed. "Looks like we'll have to put the wedding off until you can be there," I said. "It wouldn't be right to get married with out the best man and best woman around," I said with a forced smile.

Lily smiled. "Nope," she said. "I'd say let's all get together and have you married right now, but Dumbledore is pushing the spell. He wants it done as soon as possible."

I nodded. "I figured," I said, taking a last drag and tossing the butt into the nearby can. There were enough smokers in the Order that there were cans for the butts now. I looked up to the cloudy night sky and sighed, remembering that Voldemort could control me if I was close enough. Perhaps I wouldn't be able to protect Sirius after all. I didn't voice that concern.

After the meeting, I went home alone. Sirius went to Godric's Hollow with Lily and James to perform the spell. I sat on the sofa, curled up with a pillow, until he came home. He gave me a wry smile before he handed me a piece of paper. I recognized his handwriting as I read Lily and James' address. I handed it back to him and he tapped it with his wand, burning it up instantly.

I almost wanted to ask why he didn't just tell me where they were, but I knew. There was no way of knowing if we were being watched, even in the comfort and safety of our own home. Anyone who heard him would know where James and Lily were. If that person was a Death Eater, then they would be lost.

We went to bed after that, holding each other late into the night. Before we finally drifted off to sleep, I whispered, "Promise me everything will be alright."

Sirius sighed. "I promise," he whispered.

Liar.

**Come on...review... Please? I'm gonna start crying if i don't get some reviews soon! T_T**

**AN: Finally figured out where I messed up with Harry's age. Chapter reposted with the fix. Sorry about that! (Updated 2010)**


	23. Chapter 23

Fall was a blaze of color. Halloween rolled around and Sirius and I brought Harry candy. He was dressed up like a Quidditch player and even floated around on his little toy broomstick. Though Peter had been expected, he hadn't shown. Sirius and I left just before nightfall. No one wanted to be out after dark these days.

When we got home, we realized that I was out of chocolate. The full moon was just three days away, so Sirius offered to go out and get some. I tried to tell him it could wait until morning, but he wouldn't have it. He walked out the door and I sighed before turning on the wireless.

The hours ticked by and I paced the house. Where had Sirius gone? Why wasn't he back yet?

At a quarter to midnight, the song playing on the radio was interrupted and a man's voice came on the air. "Folks, I have some amazing news for you," he said. "You Know Who is DEAD!" he cried. I whipped around to the radio and stared in numb shock. "Reports are still coming in but witnesses in Godric's Hollow report that there was an explosion and 'an ungodly scream'." I fell to my knees, my heart skipping beats here and there as I realized what had happened. "People went to investigate and found the bodies of James and Lily Potter. You Know Who's body was found and has been taken care of. They say that the Potter boy, Harry, survived the attack and has been taken to a safe location. While the deaths of James and Lily Potter are indeed tragic, a miracle has taken place in Godric's Hollow tonight. You Know Who has been destroyed and Harry Potter is the Boy Who Lived!"

I held my face in my hands as a sob forced its way out of me. The only way Voldemort could have killed James and Lily was if he had gotten a hold of Sirius and he'd talked. Sirius would have died before he gave up their location.

Unless he betrayed them on purpose....

Oh my god....

The door opened and I turned to see Sirius standing there, looking haggard. He stared at me for a brief moment before he stepped into the house and closed the door. "You heard," he said softly.

I stood and pulled my wand out of my robes. "How dare you!" I cried. "You betray them and you come back here like _this?_" I demanded.

"I didn't do this!" Sirius cried. "I would _never_ do this!"

"Bullshit!" I yelled. I pointed my wand at him. "Get out!" I shouted. "You fucking killed them! Get out!"

"It wasn't me!" Sirius shouted. I threw a curse at him and he dodged. My curse exploded the door. Sirius looked at me. "I'm going to prove to you that it wasn't me," he said.

"You can't," I said. "It was your handwriting for the address," I said. "It was you who handed me the paper. It was you who went to James and Lily's and did the spell. Get out or I will."

Sirius met my eyes and I briefly wondered why I couldn't smell that he was lying. Maybe he lied so often that it was impossible to tell any more. Maybe his truths smelled like lies. "Fine," he said with a rough voice before he walked out through the hole I had created. I watched him walk down to the street and Disapparate before I repaired the damage I had caused. I fell to the floor and started sobbing.

It was three days later when I heard the rest of the news. Sirius had caught up with Peter on the streets of London and killed him along with _twelve_ other Muggles. All they could find of Peter was his finger. Sirius was carried off to Azkaban laughing. Either he had cracked or he knew something the rest of us didn't. Was Voldemort really gone? Was he coming back? Had a year-old child actually defeated the darkest sorcerer to gain so much control? Would the questions ever stop?

I spent the full moon completely alone. Dumbledore continued to send me the Wolfsbane Potion and it continued to work. I curled up on the bed I had shared with Sirius and slept the night away, waking up to tears and reality and wondering if I would ever be able to piece my broken heart back together. My three best friends had been brutally murdered and my fiance had killed them all. There was a baby out there living with Muggles because I wasn't man enough to take care of him. A baby living with Muggles because Lily knew something the rest of us could only guess at.

The letters piled up around me. Condolences, questions, words of hope and comfort from those I had known from the Order. They all went unopened and unanswered until December when a knock on the door finally made me get up from the sofa. Sirius was right, the bed was too big for one person. I hadn't slept in it in more than a month.

When I opened the door, I was surprised to see my sister on the other side. "You haven't answered any of my letters," she said, pushing her way inside. She took one look around the house and her eyes widened. "Holy Merlin, Remus!" she cried. "You need to get out of this house," she said, turning back to me. "No protests. You're getting into the shower, shaving off that horrid beard of yours, and you're coming with me to the Broomsticks for Butterbeer and pudding."

"I am?" I asked.

She nodded once and pushed me to the bathroom. "Get a move on," she said. "I haven't got all day. I have to go back to school, you know. But Christmas vacation is coming up and if you're still ignoring my letters, I'm dragging you to London with me. Shower," she said. "Now."

I sighed as she closed the door, essentially locking me in the loo. I turned to the shower and figured it couldn't hurt to actually bathe once in a while. Why should I let my life turn to shit because he ruined everything I had ever wanted? I showered, shaved, and scorgified my clothes before I opened the bathroom door again. Walking out, I saw Elissa had kept herself busy by cleaning up after my massive mess.

"You didn't have to do that," I said.

She shrugged. "Clearly you weren't," she said. "Someone had to."

I gave her a weak smile. "Thanks," I said.

"Come on," she said. "I meant what I said about the Broomsticks."

She took my hand and led me to the door. As we started walking down the road, she looped her arm through mine. We walked to the main road in silence and sat in a booth at the back of the pub. Elissa left me there to go get our drinks and the chocolate cakes we saw on our way in. I realized I could have escaped, back to the comfort and agony of my own home but stayed. Elissa smiled as she came back to the booth. I think she half-expected me to just leave.

"You haven't left the house since that night, have you?" she asked.

"Once or twice to get food," I said. "Other than that, not really," I confessed.

"So why haven't you answered your mail?" she asked.

I shrugged and took a drink of the Butterbeer. It had been a long time since I'd actually had any. It brought back a lot of memories I didn't want to face. "I can't face it," I said softly. "I don't want to open letters and read how sorry people are that everyone I was close to is either dead or in prison. I almost killed him that night..." I nearly whispered. "He came home and tried to tell me that it wasn't him that betrayed them."

"There's actually a magazine printing stuff proclaiming Sirius' innocence. _The_ _Quibbler_ or something. They're saying that someone else was Lily and James' Secret Keeper."

I shook my head. "It was Sirius," I said. "It was his handwriting on the paper he gave me to let me know where they were and it was him that James turned to when Dumbledore told us it was time."

"What does that mean?" Elissa asked. "You all knew about what was going to happen in advance?"

I nodded. "We knew about six months before Harry was born," I said softly. "It was going to be either Harry or another boy who defeated Vol...You Know Who," I said. For some reason, now that he was gone, I couldn't say the name. Not now. Not after James and Lily. Not after Peter. Not after Sirius.

I felt tears burn at my eyes and decided to light a cigarette. Elissa reached for the pack and looked at it for a moment before she looked up at me. "These'll kill you, you know," she said softly.

"What's your point?" I asked. "I don't see much reason to stick around."

She threw the box at me and I let it fall to my lap unhindered. "You're a foul git, you know that?" she spat. "Has it ever even occurred to you that other people might still want you around? Have you even stopped to think that maybe I can still use a brother even if you aren't going to get your happily ever after?" she demanded. "You aren't the only one who lost them, Remus. Lily was like my sister. James was like another brother to me. So was Sirius. You are _not_ the only one who lost them. And how do you think Harry's going to grow up?" she asked. "He doesn't know who they were and he's never going to. Don't you think you should stick around and maybe help him understand _why_ his parents died for him?" she asked. "There is life after Sirius Black," she said. "There is life after Lily and James and Peter. You owe it to them to keep going and make sure Harry knows the truth."

She was right but that didn't make it any easier to keep going. I picked the box of cigarettes up from my lap and looked at it. "Maybe someday I'll quit," I said softly, tucking the box into the inside breast pocket of my robes. "Not now. Not for a while."

Elissa sighed. "I suppose that's better than you saying that you should start smoking two at once," she said. "Though I suppose it doesn't really effect you the same way it does us lowly mortals," she said. "Not with your regeneration."

"It's the complete transformation of the body, not regeneration," I said. "And the stress of going through that every month makes me look older than I really am."

"Doesn't that Wolfsbane potion help you?" Elissa asked. "Professor Snape was telling us about it last week."

I stared at her. "Professor _Snape?_" I demanded. "When the hell did that slimy git become a teacher?"

"Professor Slughorn quit just before the start of the term," she said. "We've had a substitute since then. Snape became a professor in late August."

How had we not known this? I felt the shock wash over me and knew the world really would never be the same. Nothing was ever going to be right again.

"It's weird," Elissa said softly, "having a teacher I was in school with...."

"I imagine so," I said softly, still trying to recover from my shock.

"See?" she asked. "If you had opened my letters, you would have known this. You wouldn't be shocked to hear it."

I nodded. "You're probably right," I said. "What other developments have there been inside of Hogwarts?" I asked.

Elissa shrugged. "Nothing really," she said. "A lot of the Slytherins have been moping about the castle since You Know Who's downfall. Dumbledore's talking like he doesn't believe he's gone for good. He keeps telling us that, now more than ever, we've got to unify or else history will repeat itself in the future. I kinda believe him. It seems a bit too easy that You Know Who could be defeated by a toddler."

I couldn't help but agree with her. "I know what you mean," I sighed.

"So when was the last time you talked with your mum?" she asked.

I was slightly startled by the abrupt change in conversation. "Since I graduated and moved out," I said. "With my stepfather around, it's just easier to stay away."

"Maybe you should drop by and say hi," Elissa said. "It's Christmas after all. Now that the war's over, it might be a good idea to let her know you're alive."

"Maybe I'll send a letter first," I said. "Just dropping in might not be the best of ideas."

Christmas eve rolled around and I found myself standing in front of my mother's house. Letters had been exchanged and she had basically demanded that I come home for Christmas for once in my adult life. I sighed as I walked up the stairs and knocked on the door.

It opened and I stared in shock at my younger brother. In past few years, he had grown up a _lot._ He stared at me too. "Remus?" Russel asked.

I nodded. "Holy shit," he said, opening the screen door and giving me a hug. "Man, it's been forever!"

I chuckled as I hugged him back. "Yeah it has," I said before I pulled away. "You got big," I said as we walked inside.

Russel looked over his shoulder and smiled. "You've been gone," he said. "Mum!" he called as we walked to the kitchen. "Guess who's here!"

My mother walked out of the kitchen just before we got there. She and I stared at each other for a moment before she rushed to me and hugged me tightly. I was engulfed in what could only be called the 'mom smell' and suddenly felt like a child again. I almost started crying on her shoulder because I didn't want to go through my first Christmas without Sirius. Eleven Christmases were too many to suddenly not have him around. Even if it was just his cloak....

My shoulders shook of their own accord and I realized that I was crying. "He's gone," I whispered.

My mother held me like a child until I calmed down. She kissed my cheek and I followed her back into the kitchen. She opened the refrigerator and pulled out a jug of eggnog. Before she poured it, she reached into the cupboard above the fridge and pulled out a bottle of rum. She held it up and I nodded. I was going to need alcohol to get through this Christmas.

She handed me the spiked eggnog and I took a large drink. "Slow down, poppet," she said. "You don't want to get too drunk too fast."

I let out a bitter chuckle as I sat down on the bar stool. "Says who?" I asked, turning the cup in my hands.

She stared at me for a moment before an egg timer took her attention away. She opened the stove and pulled out a large turkey. "The soldier comes home from the war in time for Christmas," she said softly, turning around to look at me again. "How are you?"

I barked out a laugh and drained my glass. I set it down hard and held my face in my hands. "Three best friends murdered in cold blood and a fiance in prison?" I asked. "How do you think I am? It hasn't even been two months yet...."

"Hiding from your life isn't going to bring them back, Remus," my mother said with a hand on my shoulder. "I've met James and I don't think he'd have wanted you to wallow in your misery. You have to get out there. Do something with your life, Remus," she said. "The world did _not_ end when they died or when Sirius was arrested."

"He said he was innocent," I said, meeting my mother's eyes. "That night...he said it was someone else who betrayed them."

"And you didn't believe him?" my mother asked.

I shook my head. "The evidence is stacked against him," I said in a low voice. "The spell that they used to hide...only one person could have betrayed them and that was their Secret Keeper. If it wasn't Sirius, who was it?" I asked.

"They wouldn't have named someone else their whatever it was?" she asked. "They wouldn't have changed their minds without telling you?"

I shook my head. "I can't see how," I said. "It was Sirius' handwriting on the note he gave me with their address on it," I said.

"They couldn't have spelled it to look like his handwriting?" my mother asked. "With everything your people _can_ do, I wouldn't be surprised if they can do that too."

I stared at her in shock. The first seed of doubt had just been planted. Could that have been the case? Could that have been the reason why I couldn't smell a lie from Sirius when he told me it wasn't him? I wanted those answers to be yes, but I couldn't figure out how to believe it. I wanted him to be innocent more than I wanted James and Lily to still be alive.

I woke up Christmas morning in my mother's house, listening to a fight I didn't want to hear. Fred and my mother were arguing in their bedroom. I'd slept the night away in my old bedroom and the walls were paper thin. I sat up, trying not to listen. When I heard a loud smack followed by a thud, I jumped up from my bed and left my room, wand clenched tightly. I slammed their door open and saw my mother on the floor, her hand held over her face and Fred moving in to strike her again.

"Don't fucking move!" I shouted, pointing my wand at him.

Fred turned to me and I saw his eyes narrow on my wand. "You think you can stop me with that twig?" he demanded.

"I think I can kill you with this twig," I coolly replied. "I've done it before."

"So that school of yours turned you into a murderer, did it?" Fred asked.

"No," I said. "A war did that. Now get the fuck away from my mother before I do it again."

"And what happens when you do it?" Fred asked. "Don't they take your wand away?"

"I'm not a kid any more," I said. "I don't have to worry about expulsion. And prison or death would be worth it. I'm willing to take the risk. Are you?"

Fred backed away from my mother. I smiled coldly. "Good choice," I said.

He turned his back to me and opened the top drawer of their dresser. When he turned back around, he had a gun pointed at my chest.

"No!" my mother screamed. She got to her feet and I saw the decision in Fred's eyes. He took a step toward me and my mother ran to me. I heard the gun go off as I tried to get her out of the way. I could survive a gun shot wound. She might not.

She screamed and I realized I wasn't fast enough. "Mum?" I asked, my voice shaking. She took in a ragged breath and I slowly lowered her to the floor. "Mum?" I asked again, tears clouding my vision. Please, God, if you're out there, not my mother too....

She coughed and blood flecked her face. She met my eyes and held my face in her rapidly cooling hands. She smelled like death. My heart stopped for one of those eternal moments. "I love you, Remus," she said softly. "And Russel too...and...your fath...father..." she whispered before her eyes closed and her hands fell to the floor.

The world was becoming static around me. With a scream of rage, I pointed my wand at Fred and I have no idea what curse came out of it. He flew backwards, into the dresser behind him, and then down to the floor limply.

I screamed again and held my mother's body to me. I didn't realize Russel had been standing at the doorway the entire time. I didn't realize he was even in the house until he fell to his knees and stared at the scene in utter shock.

**So...yeah....review okay? (Remus, please forgive me....)**


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